Doctor

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“Doctor doctor give me the news...”

~ Robert Palmer on Doctor

“You've got cancer.”

~ Doctor on Robert Palmer

“It's always LUPUS!!!”

~ Doctor Gregory House on Doctor

“Don't die!”

~ Doctor on the best way to save a patient
The friendly sign at the doctor's office, indicating a Ph.D.
The friendly sign at the doctor's office, indicating a Ph.D.
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Doctor.
Herr Doktor ist in.
Herr Doktor ist in.

A doctor is nothing more than a drug dealer with a college degree (Note: Since Dr Dre has finished his degree, he should now be referred to as Dr.Dre, Ph.D. - not to be confused with Snoop Dogg, who has the title Pc.P.). It should also be noted that doctors are frequently torture hobbyists, who like to poke people with sharp objects, administer nasty tasting medications, give enemas, and do other things that cause previously normal people to look like trees and feel like potential violent criminals. A doctor has to say a "hypocritical oath," which means that they can nag you about your own eating habits while being a lardass him/herself. 

"Doctors are sadists who love to hear poorer people scream"

So, forget about anatomy and forget about diseases - if you're really ill, don't waste your money; pop some DayQuills and a GinTonic and you're far better off. Doctors should ONLY be consulted when you need to get high. So, now to the essentials - how to get cheap dope from 'em.

Contents


[edit] Doctor's Origins

The word DOCTOR comes from the Greek dokein meaning decent, as in "I thought I was going to make a decent living doing this sh*t."

[edit] How to get rrrreal drugs from your doc:

Ask. Then pay your bill, deadbeat.

[edit] The doctor is in

  • DOCTORS HATE THEIR PATIENTS. [[You need to understand and embrace this concept. I have personally referred to my patients as "hoopleheads" and "that A-hole out in the waiting room." The sooner you come to terms with this the quicker you will understand the concept of "the rectal exam" as well as other painful medical procedures. You really don't think we know how much it hurts? We've gone to school longer than you've been alive, you schmuck, of course we know it hurts. Thats why we do it. Plus if you have noticed as much as everyone else that whenever you miss appointments and don't go for several days you get charged millions of pounds/dollars.]]

[edit] The doctor is out

....of his mind if he acts like he actually cares about whether or not your 8 year old eats his vegetables or if your husband can't get an erection when you drag your bloated, stretch marked belly into bed at night and expect him to service you like a gas station attendant from the 1950's.

  • Also please note that "The doctor is out" is exactly what the slime bag who wrote the first paragraph of this article is going to hear when he shows up at 3:00 am in the emergency room with a foreign body stuck up his rectum. Just a word to the wise.

[edit] The doctor is high

....on making you feel better. Or Laughing Gas. Honestly. Pay no attention to my dilated pupils and uncontrollable drooling. And yes, it is normal for you to bleed that much every month you stupid cow, so shut up and get your legs down out of those stirrups before I kill myself.

[edit] The doctor will

... prescribe needlessly painful medications (eg. rectally administered anti-psychotic medications) so we won't have to see your bipolar ass again. Go ahead be manic, be depressive see if I give a rat's ass if your mommy did not hug you enough

[edit] The doctor is dead

RIP Dr. Conley. You will be missed brother.

[edit] The Doctor Is Hot

This is rare, but can be very hot. Doctors know a lot about the body, and therefore can do a lot of interesting things to, yes, your body!!! The two ideas simply go hand-in-hand.

This doctor is female, a sure sign of sexual attractiveness.
This doctor is female, a sure sign of sexual attractiveness.

If you can, get a boo-boo on some place he/she can just kiss better. That, if we've learned anything from porn, leads to hot sex! Woot!

[edit] Vampire doctors

Vampires are a myth (except for Dr. Acula), just like the chances of you ever getting better if you don't pay your bill.

[edit] Famous doctors

[edit] Questions about doctors

  • 1. Why is it that doctors always say "this won't hurt" just before they hurt you
  • A. To catch you off guard.
  • 2. What do doctors keep under their white coats
  • A. Whiskey

[edit] See Also

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Doctor"
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