Dodgeball
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“You're about as useful as a cock flavored lollipop!”
~ Patches O'Hoolahan on dodgeball
The history of Dodgeball dates back to prehistoric times, when cavemen would throw rocks at each other, playing until one died from brain hemorrhaging. Since then, the popularity of the sport has taken off, especially in Germany, where it has been declared the national sport. The German national sport used to be starting wars, but they quickly realized that they suck at it after losing to France twice, England ten times and the United States 60 million times. Dodgeball is a sport of violence, exclusion and degradation. So remember, when you're picking your team in gym class, pick the bigger, stronger kids for your team. That way, you can all gang up on the smaller, weaker ones.
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[edit] History of the Sport
Ancient Dodgeball was played by opium-addicted Chinamen, who threw severed human heads at each other, instead of the A.D.A.A. approved balls that we use today.[[]] The heads were mostly harvested from white people, who were disgusting and an anachronism anyway[[.]] Back then, the objective was not so much to dodge the head as it was to catch the head in one's mouth before flinging it violently back at the opponent. The object was not only to peg the other player, but also to hit him with such ferocity that the human head would literally explode, causing a flurry of skull and brain material to shower the loser and forcing much shame and dishonor upon him. More often than not, the loser would then decapitate himself, thereby regaining some honor while also allowing the game to go on. Afterwards, the winning team would eat the heads they played with as a sign of honor.
Modern Dodgeball was invented by Augustus Hagerson in Africa in 1832. However, all Hagerson did to "modernize" it was to give teams funny names, like "The Dodging Squirrels". The popularity of the game soared, as did the popularity of those kinky rubber balls found in elementary school gym closets around the world. According to a recent international poll, dodgeball is one of the most popular sports around. Even the stuck-up pansy Queen of England is on record as saying "dodgeball kicks arse." Indeed it does. It is not, however, an Olympic sport.
[edit] How To Play
The game is played on a large rectangular court, called the bed. A line in the middle of the court, called the shaft, divides the bed into two halves. All of the balls that will be used in gameplay must be placed along the shaft before play starts. An even number of players, called playas, are divided into two teams, and stand on opposite sides of the bed. When the game starts, the playas charge the shaft, grab the balls, and proceed to hit the playas of the opposing team with the balls. If a playa is hit, he is considered "out" and must leave the bed. When a team has lost all its playas, they lose and the game is over. The winning team is declared the winner.
[edit] The Principles of Dodgeball
There are many principles that all good dodgeball players must know. The most vital are known as the Five D's of Dodgeball:
Dodge the ball so you don't get hit by it.
Duck so that the ball misses you and you get that great painful feeling when you fall on the floor. Don't whine about it, it builds character. Or use a duck for cover.
Dip... no idea.go down a little or Maybe you're supposed to... dip stuff in sauce when you eat it? But how will that affect the game... nobody cares.
Dive as in skydiving. Only applies when playing the extreme "get thrown out of a plane" version of dodgeball.
Dodge the ball so... you know this already.
That's um... lets see one, two, three, four, five... yeah those are the five D's of Dodgeball. There are also three other rules that will be invaluable through training:
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball: Dodgeball teachers, please throw wrenches at your team if they don't pay attention. It's fun for you and it builds character for them.
If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball: The element of danger will make sure you suddenly become good at dodging. Unless you really aren't that good so... moving on. It builds character.
If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a firearm: just look for the target.
[edit] Fundamental Player Stereotypes
- The Jock: The person that can throw the ball at over nine thousand feet per second, thus making him win every single game. If you are a nerd; run they feed on your pain.
- The Prep: The one who throws the ball just because she wants to hold something shiny or pink. There is more a threat from Magikarps than the Prep.
- The Nerd: He will use his superior knowledge of physics and math to calculate your doom, unfortunately, they all lack any physical skill.
[edit] Variants On Gameplay
Over the years, many people have come up with different ways to play dodgeball in order to make the game more interesting. Here are a few of the most popular modifications.
- Dodgeball with Sharks: This variant is played in a pool, with one team made up entirely of sharks. The game usually decomposes into chaos, as the sharks tend not to follow the rules and the humans tend to get eaten.
- Dodgeball With an Angry Gorilla: This variant is played with an odd number of players. One of the players is an angry gorilla. The gorilla is placed on the shaft along with the balls at the start of the game. Then the fun times begin.
- Dodgeball With a Bomb Filled With Knives: Like regular dodgeball, except one of the balls is actually a bomb filled with knives. The game usually ends when the bomb explodes.
- Dodgeball With Cars: Dodgeball with cars instead of balls. This is fairly pointless, but it gives me an excuse to use that stupid picture on the right. You'd better F***ING enjoy it.
- Boys vs. Girls: Normally played in elementary school and middle school gym classes. One team is made up entirely of boys and the other team is made up entirely of girls.
- Super Dodgeball: A variant based in Japan and in underground circuits in small parts of the world. It's like normal dodgeball, except players continue playing until the a team's members fall over and die. It is highly regarded as a "bloodsport" by activists and fans.
[edit] Getting the Most Out of the Game
Making the game even better is easily accomplished. Just do some of the following to make it more enjoyable:
- Fill balls with hydrogen. Bring matches.'
- Practice dodging wrenches.
- Practice dodging responsibility, commitment with your boyfriend or girlfriend's help.
- Use a shotgun to dodge balls.
- Practice dodging a firearm.
- Practice dodging traffic.
- Aim for the fat kid.
