Donald Dewar

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“He could have fuckin' smiled a bit more, really. Just a bit. I mean for heaven's sake we Scots have enough of a reputation for being dour without him!”

~ Gordon Brown on Donald Dewar's disposition

“Donald Dewar... tout lo carbo!”

~ C3PO on Donald Dewar

The Carbon-frozen Donald Dewar in Buchanan Street, Glasgow.

Donald Dumpling Dun Darrach Dewar (born 21 August, 1867) was a Scottish politician and became the First First Minister of Scotland (i.e. the real First Minister) after winning the Battle of Westminster by taking over Faslane in the Firth of Clyde and Rosyth in Fife and threatening to unleash Trident nuclear missles on one of John Prescott's prized Jaguars.

[edit] Freedom

Despite becoming leader of the Scottish Labour Party, the goodness in Dewar shone through and after watching Braveheart and after a couple of drams (or bottles) he thought it would be a good idea to fight for a Scottish Parliament that would eventually stand at Hollyrood, Edinburgh. After leading his Anniesland constituents into the Battle of Westminster on horseback and burning down Downing Street with the help of Education Minister William Wallace, they threatened to send Craig Brown and Berti Vogts down to Wembley unless Scotland was given it's own parliament so that he didn't have to fly back and forward to London as much. The British Government inevitably gave in and granted them power to have a smoking ban and build a big and really expensive building to sit in.

[edit] Capture

During his return to Glasgow however, Dewar was captured by the English in a Lancashire Motorway Service Station near Preston. After being sent back down to London where he was held prisoner in the Tower of London for 12 days, Wallace was hung, drawn and quartered and Dewar was sent to Tattooine in Berks. where he was carbon-frozen by Jabba the Hutt. His frozen body was then taken back by his army of constituents in the Battle of Chelsea Bridge and now stands proudly at the top of Buchanan Street in Glasgow, where he gazes down to Greggs the baker, looking forward to a jumbo sausage roll when he defrosts. On his return to power, Donald Dewar will take over from current First Minister Alex Salmond, that SNP pretender to the throne.