Donkey Kong

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“I know that monkey! His name is Donkey!”

~ Philip J. Fry on Donkey Kong

“Donkeys can't be monkeys! Stop trying to confuse me!”

~ Hubert Farnsworth on Philip J. Fry

“DK, Donkey Kong. He's got a small brain but he wields a big dong!”

~ Donkey Kong on his huge penis

“He's... not a donkey...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Donkey Kong

Donkey Kong is the arch-enemy of Mario Brothers, and the second biggest Ape in Earth, surpassed only by his brother-in-law King Kong.

1 His Early Life
2 The Filmstar
3 The Tragic Ending
4 Complete Filmography
- 4.1 Worked with
5 Weaknesses

[edit] His Early Life

Born Alan Spackhurst in High Street Kensington, Donkey Kong was a chipmunk London to American parents on a sightseeing trip, he almost failed to survive his own birth when the open-top bus stopped suddenly, catapulting him from his mother's arms and into oncoming traffic. Fortunately he missed the road and fell into a pile of debris where workmen were repairing a burst sewage pipe. The damp soil cushioned his fall and it became the first of many lucky escapes for young Alan.

After graduating high school with straight A grades, he went to Harvard to study Law, but soon became addicted to kittens and ended up dropping out after three weeks. In order to avoid disappointing his parents, he lived a false life, working as a gigolo by night and making short films of himself walking around campus by day, to send back home. It was when he accidentally combined the two that his true calling in life was revealed to him (and, incidentally, his parents). The tape eventually made its way to porn baron Shigeru Miyamoto and Alan's life changed forever.

After being cast out of the family in shame, a court order was taken out preventing him from using his family name. This often happens to blue movie stars, hence he required a Porn Star Name under which to do business. His new producer, agent and co-star Shigeru devised a convenient name based upon Alan's unnaturally large genitalia and his propensity to climb tall buildings and lash out at passing biplanes, and Donkey Kong was born. Subsequently, a phrase was coined in his honor. "It's on like Donkey Kong" is used when pain is about to be administered.

[edit] The Filmstar

Donkey Kong starred in his own movies, Donkey Kong 1, 2, 3, which all featured similar plotlines revolving around mustachioed plumbers (often played by Ron Jeremy) and building sites, which were really just excuses for gratuitous hardcore sex scenes. Some of the dialogue, written by non-native English speaker Miyamoto, have been often quoted as amongst the funniest lines in any film, ever, including Dude, Where's My Car?.

Then came Donkey Kong Jr in which a midget resembling Kong was cast as his long lost son. A brief respite followed, and afterwards the classic CGI-enhanced Donkey Kong Country series was produced, but its superposition (and, for the climatic last scene, combination) of hardcore pornography and poorly rendered 3D computer graphics couldn't prevent it from becoming the lowest grossing hardcore porn / computer animation crossover film in the history of the genre.

[edit] The Tragic Ending

The poor reception of this series of films led Kong to consider retiring from the business. Sadly his kitten habit proved to be his undoing when a particularly feisty siamese clawed his eye out, resulting in gangrene. His head had to be amputated, and he was declared dead on December 34th, 1983, only one year after Pac Man Fever (featuring the infectious Do the Donkey Kong) began its legendary marathon on the Billboard charts. However, Diddy Kong later sold his soul to the devil and revived Donkey Kong. Since then the two have been best friends, and recently revealed in the tabloids, lovers.