Dora the Explorer
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| Dora the Explorer | |
|---|---|
| |
| Kingdom | Spanishlishous |
| Phylum | Chicolia |
| Class | suckubust |
| Order | Of the Stick |
| Family | Eduardo, Carlos Mencia, Mario Mario, Juan Pablo Montoya, Muvvy Moople Mucky Mack the Dead Possum in the coffee can |
| Genus | Doranum |
| Species | demon child |
| Power Plant | A compound of Refried Beans and Acid |
| HP: | 1 |
| Mana Points: | 61 |
| Strength: | 1 |
| Intelligence: | George Bush-.001 (Boy, that's a boost) |
| Weight | 36 Ton |
| Main Goal | To hop the border and to expand the Dora drug cartel into North American territory. |
| Special Attack | Sonic "¡Lo hicimos!" shou, Backpack song. |
“Kiss my aura, Dora. Would you like some mora? Right here on the flora? And how about you, fauna? Do you wanna?”
~ Frank Zappa on threesomes with Dora and her monkey
“She abuses us.”
~ The map and backpack on Dora the Explorer
“I got so tired of her trying to anally rape me that I had to swipe her things away, I guess.”
~ Swiper the Fox on Dora the Explorer
“All right Dora, tell us the truth! You're a twenty year old man who is persuading innocent little mexican kids to cross the border and get shot!”
~ FBI on Dora the Explorer
“We used to have a thing. But I had to break it off. She only cared about the exploring and the drugs.”
~ The Stupid Spanish Kid on the Bus on Dora the Explorer
Dora the Explorer, a.k.a Chihuahua, born Dorita Lafrita Bandita Conchita Maria Lolapalooza (as she was once known), is a famous archeologist-adventurer and explorer/drug trafficker. She was also the very first mexican to illegally cross the border, and promoted the practice through her informative tele-visual programs aimed at children. The main goals of her television show are to boost the spanish/mexican takeover of the United States of America by forcing children to learn the language of her mother country and to enlist the children in her drug trafficking train. In actuality, the average 4 year old after hearing blue es AZUL! 530 times, when asked what color is azul will typically respond "yellow".
Contents |
[edit] Appearance
- Dora presents herself as a child, yet her (gargantuan) adult sized head is precariously positioned upon a barbie doll body.
- Her eyes are half the size of her tennis shoes and bigger than her hands.
- Her belly shirt is actually a maternity top to encourage children to go into prostitution.
- She has a boob job, to upgrade her to a size AAAAAAAAAAA.
- Her nose is an apostrophe.
- She shaves her eyebrows, eyelashes, and her vag.
- She literally has two right feet.
- Her head is twice the width of her shoulders
- She only thinks that her backpack and other random animals are responding to her commands when in fact, Nickelodeon only has two migrant workers trying to cross the US Mexican border via a backpack and a rolled up talking map.
[edit] How Dora Came To The US
In the back of a pickup truck, under border patrol fire.
She is an illegal Mexican immigrant from Panama(she was originally born in Chile by her mother which was a jalapono on a stick and her father carlos mencia, thus being sent to America for booking.). Also, Dora stole a green card from someone in San Francisco. Rumor has it that she gave a blowjob to a little 10 year old spanish boy for a greencard, but it is unconfirmed whether this statement is true. It has been 5 years since this infamous incident happened and the woman has gotten herself herpes, AIDS, and many other STDs.
Dora has received lots of negative attention from famous or controversial icons in the United states, including Bill O'Reilly, Fred Phelps, and Don Imus. Many of the people who have criticized Dora's show say they did so because of the extreme use of drugs, gang violence, and overly-suggestive themes that the show 'Dora the dealer' has become so famous for. They also criticized her for her wardrobe of belly-shirts.
On june 10 2008 she was caught with boots driving an unvetilated truck through the desert, and she got sent to the everglades immigration jail with señor boots listening to ♪everybody♫ by the backstreet boys and Dora telling him to shove a stick up his vagina and enjoy it. ☺..♣.
[edit] Skills (a.k.a. deadly attacks of torture)
Repetition to a degree so insane one may lose brain cells. An example:
- Dora: "Where's the lake?" (referring to a lake 3 inches beside her)
- Boots: "The lake! The lake! Oo oo ee ee!"
- Dora: "Can you see the lake?"
- ...4 seconds later...
- Dora: "Do you know where the lake is?"
- ...another 4 seconds...
- Dora: "Click on the lake!"
- Boots: "Oh for fuck's sake! Where's the fucking lake, damnit!"(repeat 50 times)
- (After clicking on the lake which takes up 3/4th of the screen...)
- Dora: "The lake speaks Spanish!" (proof that she was smugglin drugs)
Her primary weapon is an endless loop of the viciously repetitive and mind-numbing children's song Backpack which is said to produce comprehensive confessions from Iraqi prisoners after around 15 minutes of torture. Although this violates the Geneva Convention, article XVII, which clearly states - No physical or mental torture, nor any other form of animated cartoons shortened or otherwise, may be inflicted on prisoners of war to secure from them information of any kind whatever. Prisoners of war who refuse to answer may not be threatened, insulted, or exposed to any Dora the Explorer theme song melody including and/or especially consisting of repetitive "Backpack" songs and limited to and not excluding thereby thus said animation theme songs of any kind, sort, or duration., the American public remains unaware of the psychological damage this may cause and continue to purchase Dora paraphernalia at a staggering rate.
[edit] Allies
Boots - Her monkey minion. Taco - A gay squirrel who, although can understand English, speaks only Spanish, in order to confuse people while Dora jumps them.
[edit] Enemies
Her chief enemy is a fox (duh, it's known that foxes are archenemies of explorers) named Swiper the Sniper. Swiper works for the U.S. Border Patrol and the CIA. He is infamous for inadvertently allowing such celebrities as carlos mencia and the Taco Bell chihuahua to cross the border. He later tracked down and killed the chihuahua, preventing him from doing any more Taco Bell ads, but mencia remains elusive. He has since redirected his attention towards Dora, calling her "an annoying spanish talking barbie doll." Swiper carries around a redicously looking cape thinking he is a magician. He has often been heard saying, "oops i did again"
Her other enemy is her Dutch (or German, no one really knows) cousin named Kora the Kreepsplorer. She is a white, blonde, Dora look-alike. She is incredibly famous in Holland(The Netherlands) where she is featured on cereal boxes, eats cereal, and gets her own German (Deutsche) Kora show. In this horror, reality show she kreeps Dora down till the point where she starts crying. Then she yells, "Kora! No kreeping!" at which point Kora obviously stops kreeping and goes back to planning her next kreep. Omigawd! If you see a white, blond, girl that looks exactly like Dora, except with horribly kreepy bloodshot eyes, you have found Kora!
The most daunting and intimidating of Dora's enemies, however, has to be Fred Phelps, who paid Swiper (the equivalent of) $44 Million (in pounds) to kidnap Dora. Fred said that Dora's show was ungodly and was glorifying unrighteous, satanic activities. Dora has only encountered Phelps in person twice, however, but both times, Gramps has blasted Dora's show, calling her such things as 'an ungodly whore' and 'an evil demon child'. Fred was actually nearly arrested the second time he and Dora met face to face.
Border Patrol- She hates the fuckers!!
[edit] Drug Dealing
After Dora got tired of being a prostitute, (thats what she says, but she got something stuck there), she became a popular drug dealer. She and Boots try to go to special locations to deliver the drugs. Because of their severe drug intake they have come to believe that their backpack and map have lives of their own. Swiper the fox goes around and tries to steal the drugs from Dora and Boots and arrest them. Though he has as of yet been unsuccessful at arresting the elusive pair, he has succeeded in stealing the drugs and hiding them, no doubt to go back and use them at a later date. Unfortunately, with the help of Dora's backpack and/or map, Dora has been able to find her hidden drugs every time. Dora has supplied various hallucinogens, commies, blacks, whites, animals, babies, and to many celebrities, including The Wiggles and the entire cast of High School Musical, causing the casts to erupt in song and have untrue philosophical ideas, such as "We're all in this together." Dora has shot her self to many times with the heroin and needs to move on to cocain.
Dora sells cocaine, heroin, pot, rocket, meth, halluciongens, and other drugs. To contact her, please call FILTHY-MEXI for more information.
For help on how to deal with drugs... TALK TO FRANK.
[edit] Wanted Poster Created by the Federal Bureau of Investigation
WANTED BY FOLLOWING AGENCIES: Customs and Border Patrol, SWAT, Canadian Border Patrol (eh?), Apple and Microsoft, Geek squad,Interpol, The Arizona Department of Corrections, FBI, TSA, CIA, DPS, DEA, LAPD, NYPD, INS, FM, TPD, PPD, NBC, KGB, BET, IRS, DSS, MADD, CSI, JAGEX, NASA, NAVY, CNN, DMV, GMC, HDTV, MTV, GMTV, CITV, BBC, M-I6, M-I5, SAS, RAF, NBA, NCIS, RSPCA, NHL, NFL, NRL, NSA, AFL, GTA, MMS, SMS, S&M and of course ABC or any other organization you can abbreviate.
Name: Dora the Explorer (Born Dorita Conchita Martita Paulita Gonzalez Escobar y Alonso)
Age:65 and 3 quarters
DOB: 5/5/5
Height: 2'11" inches
Weight: 29 pesitas
Ethnicity: Tortilla Beaner
Worth: Absolutely nothing. We want her dead! Free taco if brought alive.
Hair: Black
Eyes: Brown (usually bloodshot)
Aliases: Dorothy Oz, Indiana Jones, Michael Jackson
Last Seen: 9/11/2001 (For those with a useful dating system, 11/9/2001)
Location of Sighting: New York City Financial District
Vehicle Last Sighted In: 1992 Ford Fiesta
(Vehicle has been reported stolen)
License Plate: FILTHYMEXI
Hometown: Juarez or Tijuana, Mexico
Wanted for the following crimes: Drive-by, Robbery, Accessory to Robbery, Hostage Taking, Grand Theft Auto, Kidnapping, Drug Running, Murder, Illegal Immigration, Border Jumping, Unlawful Entry Into Another Country, Rape, Fornication, Conspiracy, Hit-and-Run, Pimping/Hooking, Assault on a Peace Officer, Domestic Violence, Possession of a controlled substance, No License, Terrorism, Conspiracy to commit Terrorism, Evading Arrest, Disturbing the Peace, Being Foreign, Activating Ballistic Missiles without Authorization, Armed Robbery, Speaking Spanish. Has already assassinated Bananas in Pajamas. Next target may be Power Puff Girls.
Weapons known to Carry: Nuclear bombs, Rocket Launcher M20A1/A1B1 "Super Bazooka", AK-47, a 2002 dodge mini-van packed with enough explosives to sculpt a mountain, AR-15, M-16, Sniper Rifle, Desert Eagle, M16A4, Automatic Shotgun, Sawn-off Shotgun, Uzi, MP5, 9mm, .357 Magnum, Switchblade, Taser, RPG, Grenades, three minuteman ballistic missiles,a T-72 military Tank,A top secret CIA B-20 vaporizer,a jkhhcgfgxgxgfxgxgfk other wise known as a "fork", a tooth pick, and a banana sword
Is considered armed and dangerous. If seen, DO NOT APPROACH. Call 911 or local military base. Has been known to be extremely violent and has what appears to be an advanced case of schizophrenia. Also known to have affiliations with Mexican or Columbian Cartel. Help us get this criminal off the streets.
African Traslation (yes, she is also a terrorist on her country): Tok tok tok Nok Tok tok tok tok Nok Tick tok nok {Jose Morales) Tok Nok Tok.
[edit] Upcoming Movies
Dora saves the Snow Princess:One day, Dora and Boots returned to mexico. Then, she gets everyone that she knows that are living in mexico to the U.S but, she is told that if she wants to go back to the U.S that she has to save a beautiful but sometimes ugly princess and kill a deadly witch.
[edit] The end
One day Dora and Boots visited the bank in Doraville, Georgia. When a bunch of robbers armed with various weapons swarmed the building and demanded money from the teller, Dora angrily cried "Swiper, No swiping!" - Her bloody end came mere seconds later.
But believe it or not she is was good at math. I learned from her; 2 fools plus 67 bullets equals 0 fools.
