Doritos
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[edit] Doritos
Doritos or NutSack Crackers as they are called in North Korea, are Flavored Chip invented by the Mayan people to feed to there Pagan God, The Sun. After Thousands of Years of Attempts to throw, Shoot and Drive them to the Sun, All attempts failed, and the Spanish Took over anyway and stole all there gold.
Years Later, Cardiologist / Snack Chef / Private Eye M.G Doritani was looking for a new Secret, Heart Friendly Chip Recipe he could sell and make millions off of, When he found on the ground of an ancient Mayan Temple a Chip, He ate it and said "DAMMMMMN BRUTHA... THESE NEED SOME CHEESE!" So, In his Medical Office/ Private Eye Office/ Kitchen (Garage and a can of Cheese) He boiled the chip in Cheese, But to no Prevail. He was just about to go to his Straight Jog as a Tatoo Artist, When Suddenly there was an Explosion, And Out came many many Chips, He Picked one up, Ate it and Died, Because of a Heart Attack / Food Poisoning / Gangster Assassination. His Son, Little Mickey Mo' Sho' Flo' Go' Ho' Doritani Discovered the Dead Body and all the Chips, And naturally ate some, And said it was the most delicious Chip he had ever enjoyed! He told his Mother, Who was a Nurse / DishWasher / Mistress and She was Overwhelmed by the Flavours, so the Family Started up It's own Dorito Factory in Paw-Paw Michigan Where they still Reside to this Day.
[edit] Wild Doritos
While the Doritos bought and sold at your local convenient store may seem tame, they weren't always. They come from a jungle in Peru, and must be caught and drugged, then flavored and bagged before shipped out to stores. this is why you MUST eat the Doritos with in 10 minutes of opening the bag, or you WILL have you innards ripped out and strewn across the walls. In the wild, Doritos live in tiny plastic bag shaped huts in tree tops. they swing on vines and eat sloths. they are quick tempered and shoot a poisonous cheese flavored goo as predators.
[edit] Criticism
Doritos have been Criticized since They were Founded in 1939. By Many Groups.
[edit] The Churchs
The Catholic Church was against Doritos Saying that if You Take two bags Doritos, Put them in a Blender Melt there Dust into a Liquid than Shape it into the Shape of Satan, Depending on your Artistic Abilities it may or may not actually look like Satan, Jude Judy Tried this and she Noticed it May or May not look like a Satan, So Doritos Was Sued for $4000.
[edit] P.E.T.A
Since the 1980's PETA has been undergoing a series of Campaigns to Shut down The Dorito Company Saying That "If you put a Retarded Goat in one of there Factories and open all of the Doors and turn on all the Equipment and Shoot off it's head, It will die, We Tried this on Several different Retarded Animals or Human/Animal Mixed Creations." Judge Joe Brown Found Dorito's innocent saying "BISH I HATE PETA I'LL EAT KFC WHENEVER THE FUCK I VWANT ACUTALLY RIGHT NOW SEEMS LIKE A GOOD TIME FO' KFC! YAH!"
[edit] Children of Jesus Moron Mormon School for Special Youth
In 1992 COJMMSFSY (Or Commie for Short) filed a lawsuit against Doritos Because of a Widely Circulated Christmas Dorito's Bag, Featuring to Boys "Play-Fighting" Commie said that It looked so Much like Two Grown Men (Cobobulating) With There (Firemen) that Their Entire Student Body has become Homosexual. Judge Judy 2.0 Said that Doritos is not to Blame, But the Jews. She was fired 2 Days later By her Producer L'Chaim Bilatsky.
[edit] Nacho Lawsuit
In 2006 The Company "Tositos and Friends" sued "Doritos" for 45.9 Billion-Quadrillion-Pooptillian Dollars (As So put by there Lawyer.) There Argument was: Doritos are not originally, They are Acutally just Nacho with the flavor dried on. Those Buttfananglers with pay wit tuh money dat dey hav in ter poxets!!!!" (Also, as so put by there Lawyer) After 90 sections of a long and Boring Trail, Judge Joe Brown Realised his Homo-Sexuality and decided to Settle this with a Good Old Fashioned Male on Male all nude Wrestling Match, and He would take on the Winner. Doritos Won, But There Lawyer Joe Armstrong will never be the same.
[edit] Inter-national Variations/flavors
- Canada: Moose, Chicken, cheese, Coffee, Caribou and Poutine
- Austria: Sausage, Cow, Baby Cow and TRIPLE CHOCOLATE CHIP
- USA: Tomato, French Fries, Turnip, Pountine, Coca-Cola, Weed, Grass, Cool Original, Oregano, Gravy,
Turkey, Turkey and Gravy, Chicken, Chocolate Chicken Wing, Manure, Ectasy, Motor Oil, Caramel, Cool Ranch, Train Exhaust, Carpet (For Your Particularily Carpet-Muching Friends) and Cucumber. When Asked about the extremely long list Dorito Replied, Dood, Those Americans Eat alot of Random Shizz.
- Russia: Hah! In Soviet Russia, Dorito Crunch You!
- UK: Haggis, Kidney, Brain, Faggot, Salt and Vinegar, Shepherd's eye, Garlic Bread.
- China: ALL WORK NO PLAY MAKES JACK A DULL BOY
- Vietnamese: Cat, Persian Cat, Small Dog, Puppy Dog, Big Dog. Your Dog, Your Cat, Cool Ranch.
[edit] Sponsership
Doritos Has not sponsored any Sporting Event since 1940 in the All-Mexican Olympics in Acapulco, Due to the Fact that "Anyone who eats doritos isn't going to running or Jogging, They'll be at home sitting on there fat American Asses playing Wii! Since than they have only sponsered 2 Events, Big Pimping John's Wet Tee-Shirt Contest 1999 and The LA Video Game Convention Years 1990-2001 and 2006-2010.
