Dorridge
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“In Dorridge, train catches YOU!!.”
~ Russian Reversal on the day-to-day trivialities of the average Dorridgian
“I went to Dorridge once, alas! I asked if they had any Porridge, but they told me to shut up and leave, however, I couldn't find a way out of the place...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dorridge
“THIS IS DORRIDGE!”
~ King Leonidas stating the blindingly obvious upon arrival in Dorridge
“Dorridge is just like Porridge but with better access from the M42.”
~ Dorridge Tourist Board
Contents |
[edit] An Introduction to Dorridge
Common introductions to Dorridge include:
- This is Dorridge.
- Please meet Dorridge.
- I am ashamed to introduce you to Dorridge.
- Welcome to Dorridge. Emergency exits can be found at the railway station and the motorway.
Dorridge is a large city within the town of Solihull and is the gay capital of the world. It is in the West Midlands area of England, it was badly hit by the Tsunami, and has a large badger population.
Dorridge's motto is Wastus Spacus (Latin) Translated it reads Waste of Space. This is most likely because Dorridge features some of the biggest wastes of space in Britain. These include St Phillips church, Footware (A shoeshop which closes at 3PM), Elagence nail salon and Chavs.
Perhaps the biggest waste of space, though, is the bloody badgers. During the great depression in the 1920s badgers finding living off the land to be increasingly difficult begun to move to more developed areas. Dorridge, notable for its wastes of space was a natural choice for many Warwickshire badgers, themselves wastes of space. Most urban areas experiencing massive badger influx immediately set up shaving brush factories. However, Dorridge was slow to respond -- in part because of superior brushes already being manufactured in nearby Solihull -- and so the population went un-checked. Despite by-laws banning beards (in particular for the women) the denizens of Dorridge have been unable to reach the critical mass of shaving brush consumption required to control their badger population which thus remains a problem to this day.
Many people claim to have entered Dorridge by car, or even by foot. However, cartographers now generally recognise that the only way to enter or leave Dorridge is by its train station. It is the only building in the area which people use more than once a year.
[edit] Dorridge at the present time
Dorridge is fast becoming the chav wannabe capital of England. Dorridge is also full of ancient people. According to the Guinness Book of World Records the oldest living man is in China, this is understandable as the oldest resident of Dorridge has recently moved to China.
“The babes were shit, so i moved to China.”
~ Oldest man in the world on Moving from Dorridge to China
The mayor of Dorridge is Jon Sharp. Also known as 'Barry Scott' from the Cilit Bang adverts on TV. Burgess' first words as mayor were 'Bang and the Chavs are gone'. This was directed towards the Ancient people of Dorridge as Neil wanted to convert them to Emos to scare away the chavs. It turned out that emos were exceedingly weak, thus the population of chavs increased.
[edit] Ancient dwelling habits
Between 9:00AM and 3:30PM the ancient people of Dorridge roam the streets in search of a mate. They do this by doing their mating calls. these sound like someone screaming slowed down by 100% They also play Hip-Hop music insanely loud this is why they protest to it at all other times as it is not bveing played loud enough. Like Dorridge, Hip-Hop is shit and should be bulldozed.
The local means of transport in Dorridge relies is cars, bikes, feet, buses, trains, Penny Farthings and badgers..
All though trains are a very popular means of transport in dorridge it is such a shit village that Virgin trains see Dorridge station and just go straight past it. This is known as the Dorridge train pass. It is customary to push old people infront of passing trains so the driver has is vision obstructed and the old person gets a free ride to London. People also do 'Ancient Bowling' to lower the population of Dorridge, which is 22.
Nightlife in Dorridge is very vibrant, a sport most of the population of Dorridge (which is old people) do is sleep until 11:30 the following morning. Also the chavs which are to thick to go to Collage tend to stand on street corners eating fish and chips.
[edit] Shops
In Dorridge there are a variety of charity shops including Oxfam and Acorns. The residents in Dorridge are also very charitable as they are all very old. They donate food to many third-world countries. Unfortunately the people that live in the third world got sick of all tea and biscuits. So they started to believe that Dorridge was a third world village and believed that tea and biscuits was what they lived on, so they started sending it back and even sending their own food.
[edit] History of Dorridge
When Dorridge was born its first word was "shit". This explains why there are so many 'shit' shops and restaurants in Dorridge. Dorridge was born in 1960 which explains why all the buildings in Dorridge are so rubbish- they were designed by hippies for old people. Dorridge was made when the evil genius The Wicked Bitch of the Nest mixed potassium and oxygen there was a Huge exsplosion which left a little pile of rubbish which today is dorridge.Happy Days!
[edit] The Parks
There are two parks in Dorridge: Dorridge Park; and Dorridge Park for the Elderly. The latter is the most popular, however it is not the biggest. The park features a duck pond, some grass and a bin over looked by lord of the park and chief dog walker william hursey. The residents of Dorridge have recently complained that there is no bench for them to sit on in this park. The council replied, “The people of Dorridge do not need a bench at the current time, they are so old that by the time we had fitted the bench, they would all be dead - this would be a waste of money.”
~ Some guy from the council on Park bench complaints
[edit] Facts & Trivia
- Dorridge is infamous for the unreliability of its drug dealers. One resident complained it took him 4 weeks and 56 phone calls to arrange for the simple pickup of an underweighed £20 bag of cannabis, spiked with dog shit.
- Dorridge is the only place in Britain where over 90% of the population are Aston Villa players.
- According to the 1997 census, the average age of a Dorridgian is 128.
- Statistics prove that 80% of people who enter Dorridge only do so because they were trying to find the Birmingham NEC.
- Further to this, half of all the people who enter Dorridge never leave. Although some Dorridgians veherently maintain that these people stay because they enjoy the picturesque scenery and quiet surroundings, most people know that they just can't find a way out of the place.
- Dorridge was the site of the historic Battle for Middle-Solihull in 1412, some 15,000 Dorridgians died defending the village from an invading force of half a million Chavs invading from nearby Chelmsley Wood. Even today, the village is a popular site for archeologists who vistit the local station in the hope of unearthing an ancient Nike hoodie, a fake Rolex or if they are lucky, a Burberry cap.
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