Dr. Watson

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“Fucking idiot”

~ Sherlock Holmes on Dr. Watson

“The sky is blue! Good Show!”

~ Dr. Watson on the sky

“It's me!”

~ Captain Obvious on Dr. Watson

“Even I think this guy's a little slow.”

~ George W. Bush on Dr. Watson

Dr. Watson discovers that there is an up as well as a down!

1 Early Life
2 Life in Hopeless Little Bastards Orphanage
3 His First Murder Case (Spoiler; Watson accidentally killed the guy then forgot)
4 England Mourns as Watson Returns
5 He is Reunited with Holmes
6 Accomplishments

[edit] Early Life

Many believe that the character of Dr. Watson was a creation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle for his Sherlock Holmes stories. Infact, he was really Doyle's inbred, semi-retarted cousin who would make ridiculously stupid and obvious statements about random shit no one gave a damn about. The real Watson was born in Brixton in 1890 to Mr. and Mrs. Edward Conan Doyle Watson. At an early age, they knew their son was a complete dumbass. While other children his age were crying, shitting, and sleeping, Watson spent age 0-3 hitting himself on the forehead with a ball peen hammer. This sapped the little brainpower he was born with. Shortly after Watson began talking, his parents committed suicide. Watson's constant in-fucking-credible reaction to everyday objects and the fact that he seemed convinced that people wanted to hear a lot about shit they already knew drove his parents insane. At the age of five, Watson moved into a downtown London orphanage. But not before he accidentally burned his parent's life insurance quotes while trying to figure out if fire can burn through a piece of paper. This dumbshit action left Watson dirt poor, as he had previously been the heir to the Watson family fortune. (Edward Conan Doyle Watson had been a celebrated black market trafficker of human organs, a popular delacacy among psychotic British royals at the time.) It was in this orpanage, that Watson met Sherlock Holmes.

Holmes explains why snow is cold and what cold is to a drooling Watson.

[edit] Life in Hopeless Little Bastards Orphanage

The orphanage that Watson and Holmes lived in until they left for colleage was the legendary Hopeless Little Bastards orphanage in downtown London. Many other fictional celebrities had lived their as well including James Bond, Clark Kent, and Oliver Twist. It didn't take long for the staff of Hopeless Little Bastards to regret their decision to let Watson in. Within his first week, Watson broke every toy, shit on every floor, and was arrested for manslaughter when when he attempted to change the channel on the orphanage T.V. and killed nine people. Watson got straight F's on his report card throughout grammar school and he was soon moved to the "special class" which was held in a padded room with all the students in straight jackets. Holmes was the TA of this class. “I had to tutor the dumb fuck in maths. He was so incompatent that he answered all the problems by writing out the entire alphabet five times. What a tool.”

~ Sherlock Holmes on Dr. Watson in school

Watson was held back in Kindergarden an amazing 37 times, as he had failed to learn crucial skills such as napping and block-sharing. Watson finnaly made first grade when he received a D- in art for his clay sculpture. In any other context, it would have been the worst sculpture ever. However, abstract art was becoming popular at the time and Watson's teacher was really sick of his sub-mental ass. Instead of moving on to first grade however, Watson managed to generate enough brainwaves to decide to apply to Oxford University, where mentor Sherlock Holmes was a professor. Watson got in as stupid people often do to Oxford and began a new life.

[edit] His First Murder Case (Spoiler; Watson accidentally killed the guy then forgot)

When he arrived at Oxford, Watson was ready to prove to the world just how stupid he really was. Watson majored in forensic science, since he always wondered who killed Colonal Mustard in the hall with the candalstick. This idea was encouraged by the Oxford faculty, because police often look to hire borderline retards anyway. Watson's roommate throughout his years in Oxford was Sean Connery. The last trace of brain was knocked out of Watson on Januarty 2, 1943 when Connery beat Watson about the head with a crowbar after Watson told Connery's girlfriend that he didn't believe in condoms. This action lead to an even dumber, more incompetent Watson. This new Watson celebrated by jamming a metal fork into a light socket after getting out of a shower. The resulting power surge not only failed to kill Watson, but the current travelled through Watson, and blasted the Oxford professor of forensic science, Bruce Banner.Banner was rushed to hospital and came into teach forensic science the next day in a wheel chair and body cast. Banner had another run in with Watson's stupidity that day when the class was working on using the radioactive chemical X to sovle a robbery. Watson had forgotten that he had tied his own shoelaces together because he thought pain was fun. Watson tripped and spilled the toxic compound all over Prof. Banner. The chemical X combined with the electricity and Banner's anger over Watson's sheer dumbassness caused him to mutate into the incredible Hulk. The enraged radioactive superhero proceeded to destroy the entire Oxford compound. Watson didn't notice because he was busy hitting the floor with a squeakey hammer. The Oxford brass didn't have the funding to rebuild their school because they had spent it all on getting some deacent atheletes so Cambridge would stop making fun of them. They attempted to sue Watson for the damages, but the case was dismissed because Watson kept interupting the prosecuting attorney by staring at a blank dry wall in the courthouse and declaring, "That sir, is a blank dry wall. Good show! However, I believe lime jelly is also a good show. Good show!" The school's legal fees dropped it into even deeper debt. All of the teachers were laid off and all students sent home as Oxford University shut it's doors permanently due to Watson's previously unheard of cluelessness. To avoid further legal problems, the school gave all it's students PHD's in their chosen majors before sending them home. It was at this moment that Watson became Dr. Watson. Dr. Watson wanted to set up his own private detection agency, he was granted a practice in India through the British Commonwealth's "Dumbshits are People Too" program. Dr. Watson's first detective partner was former Oxford history teacher and counsellor for the "special little starshine" students, Prof. Moriarty. It was not long before Watson and Moriarty had established an office in New Dehli. The first night their, Dr. Watson was speeding down the Dehli streets in his new, government issue car when he ran over a slow moving pedestiran. It was Mohandas K. Gandhi, leader of the Indian independence movement.

“You stupid limey cocksucking fucker!”

~ Gandhi's last words

Gandhi attempts to avoid Watson's stupidity, car.

After accidentally killing other influential world leaders of the 20th century including Winston Churchill, Harry S. Truman, Josef Stalin, Nelson Mandela, Rosa Parks, and Russell Crowe with his car, Watson returned to his New Dehli apartment. The next morning, Dr. Watson was awakened by Moriarty.

“Watson, although you are very special, you are wanted for the vehicular manslaughter of Gandhi.”

~ Prof. Moriarty to Dr. Watson

Watson immediately sprang out of bed and vowed to bring Gandhi's killer to justice. Honestly folks, how fucking stupid can you be? Working against time and the Indian police chasing him, Dr. Watson solved his first murder case when he captured himself after a long chase through a warehouse. During the chase, Dr. Watson almost lost the perpatrator, Dr. Watson. But, through sheer ingenuity, he was able to bring himself to justice. Dr. Watson was given 900 straight life sentences. Would you want someone like him on the street in your lifetime? Didn't think so. Anyway, in an incredibly misguided move, Moriarty attempted to spring him from jail. Everything was going fine until Moriarty ordered Watson to be quiet so he could sneak him past several patrolling guards at the front gate. Unfortunatly, Dr. Watson spotted a shiny doorknob before they could get away. “Whats this then? A shiny doorknob? I say! Good show! Good show!”

~ Dr. Watson on a shiny doorknob

Watson and Moriarty were caught and Moriarty was arrested. He swore revenge on Watson for being a complete fucktard.

[edit] England Mourns as Watson Returns

Dr. Watson was able to break out of Indian prison in 1952. Not through his intelligence, oh-no, but through a extraordinary set of circumstances that must have been the work of Satan to let that stupid, stupid fucker back into the free world. Anyway heres what happened: Watson was out in the prison yard with the other inmates breaking rocks, cause thats what they did in prison back then for some reason. Then, Kal Penn (that guy from "Harold and Kumar"), who was running for president of India at the time, entered the prison yard with his entourage. The idea was to address the Indian people on the condition of their shitty prisons and other politician bullshit. So what happened was, all the guards got near Kal Penn to protect him from the evil prisoners, leaving all the exits unguarded (locks hadn't been invented yet. Bit of a problem when you're running a prison). Just then, a butterfly came floating through the compound. Watson spotted it and after a cry of "Good Show!" he was off in hot persuit. He followed the butterfly out the front gates. Non of the guards saw because they were too busy trying to decide rather to vote for Kal Penn or Rudy Giuliani, who was also running for president of India at the time. The butterfly lead Watson all the way to the local shipyards before Watson lost it's trail. His crushing disappointment was almost immediately lifted as his underused brain processed the surrounding area. Being slower than the dullest retard, Watson was fascinated by just about everything, and somthing as big as oh, say, a cargo ship bound for London, is just too facinating to pass up. After another squeak of "Good show!" Watson's fat ass (did I mention he was fat?) hobbled up the gangway onto the England bound ship. At that exact moment, the entire citizentry of the British Isles felt a moment of pure terror.

[edit] He is Reunited with Holmes

The ride to London did not go smoothly, the ship's sailors caught Watson in the hull singing his ABC's, interjecting each letter with "Good show!" Watson was allowed to ride the boat to London until he used the ship's lone map to make a paper airplane and through it over the side. The angry crew threw Watson overboard when they found out. That ship was never seen again. Luckily for Watson, Free Willy happened to be passing and gave him a lift to London. Willy has since been arrested and executed by the British government for crimes against humanity. Upon his arrival in London, Watson began looking for a new building to start a new private eye service. One day while looking into a flat on Baker street, Watson ran into former mentor and Oxford mathematics professor Sherlock Holmes, now an alcoholic hobo. Holmes was so desperate for a job that he agreed to work with Watson at his new P.I. service. The poor bastard didn't know what kind of hell he was in for. Watson purchased the Baker Street flat using internet stocks, which crashed the next day. The realty company went bankrupt and swore revenge on Dr. Watson. They soon teamed up with Prof. Moriarty, who had just been released from Indian jail to form "The Ancient Mystical League of Kill Watson and Maybe Holmes." Holmes' and Watson's practice still exists today, as does the League. The fact that the League has not killed Dr. Watson yet means humanity is doomed.