Dream Theater
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“Where the fuck is that pizza!?!?!?!”
“Beware of the Portnoy!”
~ Ill-advised placard outside a Wolverhampton Dream Theater gig
“We disband after the next album ”
~ John Petrucci in 2012 on Systematic Chaos
“This band owns you.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dream Theater
“Who ordered the pizza?”
~ Michealangelo, Ninja Turtle on Dream Theater
The below author has issues with grammar and punctuation!--must be another uneducated teenager who has learned all his "knowledge" from ignorant websites like this!
Dream Theater is known for being the geekiest gay-friendly band on the planet.
Only "claiming" that they have "talent", they are known as the most intense jazz-opera fusion rap band in the world. Songs like Pull You Not Me Under a Glass Prison Moon have won the band the respect of thousands of people around the world. but their original singer Chris De Burg didn't like it, so he left. After Charlie Promaninciallyorinano joined the band he lasted four weeks before he was burnt into the atmosphere by John Petrucci's wikiddd sick ray gun that he so totally got from the year 3009. Promaninciallyorinano's final words were; "...The fuck? Why is the ironing board still out?!"
Three of Dream Theaters members are also well credited for partaking in the Liquid Bear Experiment, in which they accidentally created World War 3. However, thanks to a particular guitar solo from Petrucci, he was able to send the aforementioned war 10,000 years into the future, where (when?) it became the responsibility of Paul Atriedes and the other characters in the Dune saga by Frank Herbert.
In the Bible when Jesus was believed to come back to life, it was just John Petrucci, they went to the wrong tomb. He was mistaken for Jesus when traveling back in time. His directions were off, thus sending him to Jesus's time, not the dinosaurs as planned.
In Peter Jackson's "Lord of the Rings" trilogy, Jordan Rudess was originally cast as Gandalf but he immediately turned it down because there weren't enough keyboards anywhere on set. He demanded that he be allowed to play Key-tar while fighting the balrog so that he wouldn't have to die. Jackson was quoted as saying "ZoMg lawlz, nooeessss cuz u r t00 1337!!!!!eleven!!!11111"
Dream Theater was formed sometime during the ordivician period (488 million years ago), at the time there was only the squid-like James Labrie singing "O holy night" that created a photosynthesis and allowing other life forms to evolve. Soon John Petrucci and John Myung had been fully evolved and successfully mated. Their child was Mike Portnoy. When Mike was three years old, he formed the band. Jordan Rudess stumbled across the newly formed band during one of his time travels and thought "these guys have potential" and joined them. As evolution kept on, the dinosaurs started to interrupt the band 76 hours a day training sessions, and they decied that the dinosaurs could not be kept alive anymore. So for over 400 million years the band worked on the ultimate song of the universe, with a length of over 5 months. Not much is know about the making of it, except that it involved a kitten, catnip and a continuum. When they were done, they held a concert somewhere by the coast of mexico and invited all the dinosaurs of the earth. During the last 5 minutes of the song, John Petrucci ran backstage and soon returned wearing leather pants. The dinosaurs tried to flee in panic. But it was already to late. John Petrucci played a solo of over 5 000 000 000 000 notes per second, thus killing all of the dinosaurs on earth. Since then, they haven't had a single interupted training session. The legendary song has never been played since either.
Contents |
[edit] Personnel
===Current members===Media:Example.ogg
- John Petrucci - He practices guitar 63 hours a day due to his 4 simultaneous 24 hour time reverse signatures. He is capable of playing over 50 billion notes per second, and has the power to travel back in time.
- Jordan Rudess - Possesses the ability to travel through both space and time via keyboard soloing and possibly magic. He is also known to be a professor at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. This suspicion was aroused when the loyal Dream Theater fans saw him in a cape and a pointy hat, although this could just be the Koo Klux Klan in disguise. He was formerly known as Jesus.
- James LaBrie - The band's vocalist who made his debut on Images Of Words, after Petrucci found him on a "Help Canada" time-travel mission.
- Mike Portnoy - Kazoos, percussion and backing vocals. The only drummer in the world to achieve the highly coveted '63/42' time signature ability. His kit has over 300 pieces and he is capable of hitting them all at the same time. This is because he is a squid, and possesses so many limbs. Like Rudess, he used to be Jesus. As a matter of fact, every member of Dream Theater was Jesus at some point in time. Yes, even Myung, god friggin' damn it.
- John Myung - Only recently has it been discovered that John Myung never existed. His occasional appearances were only caused by the hallucinogens the band released while playing on stage. The bass on most of the albums was in fact, recorded by Mike Portnoy who pressed a microphone against his stomach and recorded his bowel movements. Whilst on tour, the highly fragile Myung is kept in a cage, not being released until his A string snaps. He is also known to turn purple whenever a modulation involves more than three flats.
[edit] Former members
- Kevin Moore - Additional commentary
- Domenici - Err... wait, who?
- Prog Jon - Additional shouts on 'until we eat again'- Constant Lotion.
- Tom from Deadweight - All Sweep Picking
- Derek Sherinian - Inventor of the Keyboard Solo
- Lars Ulrich - Groupie.
[edit] Purpose
It is a little known fact that Dream Theater has an overall purpose, that is to write the perfect song. Legend has it that this was actually achieved by accident while Majesty (Otherwise known as Chris De Burghs Progressive Polka Party Band) were practicing one day. Unfortunately for them, John Myung accidentally spilled sushi all over the sheet music, and the song was lost forever. Nine years later, when the rest of the band told Jordan Rudess about this, he went into Super-Angry-Extreme-Destroy-Everything-Rage-Mode!!!!11one, travelled back in time and cursed Myung to a life of eternal silence. Unfortunately, the spell had a nasty side-effect, that would turn Myung into a Grue sometime later, the eventual cause of death for Mike Portnoy. BUT ANYWAY...
The band set out trying to re-discover this so-called "perfect song". They created a Progressive Supergroup known as 'Dream Theater' as a cover story to hide what they were really trying to accomplish. All the songs on their previous albums are actually failed attempts at this "perfect song". Yes, even You Not Me. They came pretty close when they wrote and released Octavarium, even going as far as planning a celebratory live concert (cleverly disguised as a 20th Anniversary DVD), until someone pointed out they had just taken a load of other songs and stuck a Pink Floyd intro onto the beggining.
[edit] Memorable Quotes
“Guys, why dont we get a bassist? ”
~ Mike Portnoy on Dream Theater
“Bah, What were we thinking?!? ”
~ Mike Portnoy on Systematic Chaos
“I wish John Myung would shut the hell up!”
~ Kevin Moore on Awake
“AAARRARARARRARAAGGGGHGHGHHGHGHHHH!!!!! WHERE ARE THE FUCKING CRACKERS!!!!????”
~ John Petrucci on Food Session @ 9:00
“ ”
“Hey Petrucci, I don't mean to alarm you or anything but there's this Asian guy following us. ”
~ Mike Portnoy on Backstage
[edit] Discography and videography
- Albums
| Year | Title | Notes |
| 1989 | When Cream & Clay Unite' | A concept album, argued to be a concept album about Charlie Promaninciallyorinano. |
| 1992 | Images of Turds | Frequently labeled with large yellow stickers as the band's best after the song "Wait For Pee" was written during Dream Theater's "Excrement Fetish" years. Similiar to John Lennons fad |
| 1994 | Asleep' | Kevin Moore's last album with the band, recorded at 6 AM on the 25th day of December. |
| 1995 | 'I Want to Molest Your Mother' | Derek Sherinan eats hair pie in the backfields of the great unknown. In the interim they shag. |
| 1997 | Rising into Zero | The most prominent John Petrucci-influenced album, it features lots of non-wanking. |
| 1999 | Small Towns Pt 3: Acts from a Forethought | Concept album leading to fans' disappointment with future albums. Tasty. |
| 2001 | Six Degrees of Inner Flatulence | New theater album with interesting porn concept. Petrucci and the gang puncture poor John Myung with their hyper penises. Also known by Kevin Moore as "Six Degrees of Inner Flatulence," as he has stated that the album gives him horrible stomach cramps. |
| 2003 | Train of Contemplation | Put out under the name 'Dream Theater', this album was actually recorded by untalented North Korean Dream Theater clones in an effort to demoralize American progressive metal fans with its incredible amount of suckage. It also fails to make use of the legendary 111/64 time signature. |
| 2005 | Cocktavarium | Loops forever, just like an eight. A U2 song was mistakenly included, due to poor planning. |
| 2007 | Random Order | First album with a supportive label. Ghost-written by J. K. Rowling. |
| 2008 | Greatest Hit and 2 Songs That Only Dogs Can Hear | Just "Images and Words" with the tracklist mixed around and 2 tracks that can only be heard by dogs. |
