Drew Barrymore

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Don't let Drew Barrymore's innocent looks fool you...

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Drew Barrymore.

Drew Barrymore is an American actress, film producer, director, Academy Award winner, breast flasher, supervillain, hypnotist, coke whore, drug addict, former child star, secret agent, and alien ambassador. Born in February 22nd, 1975, she's been acting since she came out the womb. Her first ever role was playing the baby that was being born in the 1975 film titled 'Some Woman Having a Baby'.

1 Early Life
2 Adolescent Years
3 Adult Years
4 Prominent Acting Career
5 Family Guy
6 Drew's Best Friends
7 Filmography

[edit] Early Life

Drew Barrymore was born somewhere in California in 1975. Her Great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents invented acting. Thus, Drew Barrymore had to become an actress to follow in the family profession, as well. Also, her great aunt married Winston Churchill. Her godfather is Steven Spielberg. She once met ET. And Drew Barrymore also was genetically engineered to have superpowers from birth.

Drew Barrymore's breakout role came in ET, when she was just a baby. Apparently, ET taught her how to speak his language and she went on to use this talent to takeover Hollywood by use of alien subliminal messages (Ever see "The Wedding Singer?").

[edit] Adolescent Years

Because her father was a Fame Whore, Drew Barrymore grew up rapidly. By the Third Grade, she was the tallest and largest-breasted student in school. Eventually, Drew decided that school was for no-talent losers who didn't have the gift of Nepotism in Hollywood, so she dropped out and started hanging around grown men in the famed "Studio 54" nightclub. By age nine, she was smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol, and by age ten, she had upgraded to Marijuana, and finally, by age thirteen, she started snorting cocaine. (this is actually true!) Drew Barrymore was the Offical Lindsay Lohan of the 80's, but unlike that trashy skank, Drew had started before she became a teenager! In 1990, she wrote an autobiography that detailed her wild pre-teen parties and told a cautionary tale about doing blow before the 7th Grade. Her book, however, doubled as a cocaine tray.

[edit] Adult Years

At age 17, Drew Barrymore finally left rehab. Seeing her body fully develop, after ten long years, she used her new found boobage to become a Professional Whore, like today's Paris Hilton. Drew posed in Playboy seven times in 1994 (along with Pamela Anderson posing the other five times). Steven Speilberg got all horny over his goddaughter's nudie pics.

During a taping of "The Late Show with David Letterman," David Letterman's hair caught on fire under the bright lights, and so, Drew, using her superpower to squirt milk from her breasts, put the fire out. What the camera had seen though, was Drew flashing her bare breasts to Letterman. Well, needless to say, this had all of America up in a Tizzy!

This incident caused a ton of controversy throughout America, in a time, when people were actually of average intelligence and had a Christian-like level of morals. (nowadays, Americans aren't smart or thin enough to give a shit about nudity.) This "Drew flashing Letterman" incident caused the California riots of 1995, that was only settled down, and eventually ignored, by the "O.J. Simpson" thing.

However, this incident had long-reaching scars on Drew's career, that last to this day. As punishment, the State of California (and it's western island neighbor, San Andreas) had ordered Drew Barrymore to star in three bad movies to every one mediocre to good film, for the rest of her career.

[edit] Prominent Acting Career

[edit] 1995-1997

In 1995's "Batman Forever," Drew first served her crappy movie requirement. Next, was another laughably bad film in 1996's slasher-update of "Scream." Her third bad movie in the lot was "Wishful Thinking" before she finally got a break with "The Wedding Singer," which could probably be best described as "Meh."

[edit] 1998-1999

Drew's next series of bad films came with 1998's "Ever After," 1998's "Home Fries," and 1999's cheesy romantic comedy, "Never Been Kissed." She then made a cameo role in Ben Affleck's "Phantoms," which many say was awesome.

[edit] 2000-2001

Then, came 2000's "Skipped Parts." However, the next two crappy films Barrymore would be in would be amongst her career worst. Her next movie came to be known as the classic film starring Tom Green, (Drew's lover at the time. No, I'm serious!) "Freddy Got Fingered." Next, came Drew's abilities to show off her naturally given superpowers and experiment with an all girl threesome in "Charlie's Angels." This film has been one of her more lucritive box-office bombs. Drew rounded out 2000 by making another cameo role, this time in the smash cult hit, "Donnie Darko," a boy who can make a lot of Emo British Teenagers adore him.

[edit] 2002-2004

From 2001 to 2003, Drew Barrymore was sentenced to such films as "Riding in Cars with Boys," "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind," and lastly, "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle." It wasn't until Adam Sandler came along again that Drew was able to once again get a mediocre film in 2004's "50 First Dates," which true to her real life situation, Drew played a woman with no short term memory. It was in this film that Adam Sandler married Drew Barrymore in Hawaii. The two would stay married until Drew divorced him, over Sandler's infatuation with the WWE's The Great Kelly, who he had come to known while shooting "The Longest Yard" remake. Fortunately for Drew, she did not have to be in that movie by her contract.

[edit] 2005-2007

In her later years, Drew decided to take some time off from acting and started directing and producting some of her own films. And while not too memorable, at least none of them were as dreadful as "Garden State," starring Zach Braff.

Because of her newfound aspirations in directing, Drew Barrymore only starred in as many contractually obligated movies as she could. These include, 2005's "Fever Pitch", 2006's "Curious George", and 2007's "Music and Lyrics." Drew would then finish off the year with November's "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman III", as Regina Snow, a brilliant scientist and biologist, and also, the film's antagonist. This also makes the second time Drew has worked with Demi Moore, the star of "Attack of the 50 Foot Woman III." Drew was also forced to work with her in the 2003 Charlie's Angels sequel.

[edit] 2008-2029

Drew began a long, inexorable march toward sweet, sweet death. Also, her cans sagged to her belly button.

[edit] Family Guy

In 2007, Drew Barrymore was finally able to do something that the majority of people care about! She was able to get a role on "Family Guy!" On the show, she plays herself, only her name is "Jillian" (for legal reasons). Her role currently requires her to come up with "memorable" Jessica Simpson-esque idiot girl quotes every episode, and to have sex with an anthropomorphic alcoholic dog named, "Brian Griffin." Drew claims to be having "the best time of my life on this show!"