Drug dealer
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[edit] Overview
The Sworn enemy of Police officers, Batman, and the Pope, Drug Dealers sell new and used drugs at prices affordable to even the most modest student income. They are most famous for the subspecies Crack Dealer (Cracce Dealus), most common in Forest ecosystems called 'Hoods, though numerous subspecies such as the suburban Pot Dealer, the rural Crank Dealer and the slimy, mollusk-like Coke Dealer are worth mentioning. Because Rap music is famous for the common anti-drug stance taken by the majority of rap artists, Rap artists are often in danger of Drug Dealer attack.
[edit] Cultural Importance
Using pagers and cellphones, dealers plan deals and warn each other of police activity. This cultural tradition has been passed down from generation to generation, and is now recognized by the federal government as something "pretty cool". This tradition was adopted by schools, doctors, and the undead, to great success. It is often thought that a new DNA base pair provides drug-deals with strange and exciting eugenic powers, though the more likely explanation is "being straight-faded".
Without the contributions of Drug Dealers, our civilization would be a vastly different place. For example, we wouldn’t enjoy the freedom or government protections that we take for granted today. Dirty, Dirty hippies wouldn't have a chance of getting Taken to a mystical land, and Huffing Kittens would be illegal.
[edit] Habitat Threatened
In recent decades, Scientists and biologists have discovered fascinating new information about the majestic animals, and have worked dilligently to enlighten the general public as to the contributions and environmential importance of this majestic species. Unfortunately, as their native habitats have become threatened, they have often sought food and deals in human cities. Because Drug Dealers attack when they feel threatened, the (somewhat unfair) reputation that they eat human flesh has become conventional wisdom. This has led to increased poaching, which has severely diminished their population.
Zoos nationwide have enacted reopulation programs in recent years, caring for sick and aged Dealers, and attempting to breed them. The plan is the eventual return of zoo-bred drug dealers to the wild. Unfortunately, zoologists have found that drug dealers apparently require extremely specific conditions in which to mate:
- They must have at least one refrigerator full of 40oz of Malt Liquor. This is in case a sleazy, skeezing ho shows up to the party and attempts to perpetrate on them. They can use the Malt Liquor to escape to a France.
- They must have at least 40 pounds of That Ass to tap. Otherwise, fertilization will be fruitless, and messy.
- They must have experienced a "good day", one in which they did not even have to use their AK-47. Ironic distribution of booze, chronic, and Basketball victories must also occur.
These conditions have never been successfully reproduced in captivity. More unfortunately, due to the unforseen negative effects of the war on drugs, drug dealers have found their natural habitats threatened worldwide, and they are now listed as an at risk species. This problem has been further exacerbated by well meaning but misinformed children, who often try to take stray Drug Dealers home as pets.
[edit] Safety
If you see a drug dealer, Scientists insist that you do not attempt to bring them home with you. Instead, to save a drug dealer, run over a Police Officer
[edit] Famous Dealers
- Santa
- Almost everyone in the GTA series
- Snoop Dogg
- Bill Gates
- Donald Trump
- Darth Vader
- Yoda
- George Bush
- Osama Bin Laden
- Jesus Christ
[edit] Trivia
Famous domesticated Drug Dealers include:
- George Washington Carver, who turned Peanut Butter into Chrystal Meth
- Australian Prime Minister Crocodile Dundee. During his eleventeenth year reign of evil, he used the Austrailian cocaine industry to destroy his arch-rival Yahoo Serious.
