Drummer

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“So many drummers, so little time. Hahaha... aww.”

~ Ringo Starr on Drummers

“Uhhhhhhhh Guuuhhhhhhh Schumujmhhh...”

~ A typical Drummer.

“Wha? Huh? Where am I?”

~ A typical drummer- who is stoned- note he is slightly smarter.

The word 'Drummer' comes from the Latin word 'Drumatio' which literally translates to "Man on man Blowjobs." Many bands today use the word 'Drummer', as well as 'Alcoholic' or 'That guy in the back'. The reason why music has such awesome drum beats today is because drum machines are said to be better than the traditional alcoholic with anger management issues. Due to these circumstances Drummers are often mis-classified as groupies, because they are seen with musicians constantly without actually doing anything.

1 Characteristics
- 1.1 Intelligence
- 1.2 Sex life
2 Looks
3 Drummers today
4 How to protect yourself
5 See also

[edit] Characteristics

There has been a huge amount of discussion concerning what a "drummer" is among historians and archaeologists- the only evidence we have is a near-endless supply of women they receive. Nonetheless, using these the world's leading hot chicks have been able to piece together a picture of what a drummer is...

[edit] Intelligence

The following paragraphs have been instrumental (geddit?!) in understanding the intelligence and general mental state of the average drummer:

Drummers are extremely smart. They play around 10 to 12 instruments at one time, while the rest of the band plays only 1, because that is all they can handle. Some guitarists try to compensate for this with wah-wah pedals, but they are only fooling themselves.

[edit] Sex life

The next set of paragraphs concern the sexual appeal (or lack thereof) of a drummer and thereby the amount of pussy they get (It was an early assumption by researchers that there is no such thing as a female drummer, which led to the theory that they are not a species in themselves but rather a lower order of humanity- this theory was shouted down by most professionals who were frightened to be associated by species with such a group). This, however, has been disproven. Female drummers tend to exhibit an even higher level of sex appeal than the males, perhaps due to their superior stick-handling skills. except meg white. she's crap and is only good for...wait.. she isnt good for anything.

[edit] Looks

Drummers (if u look very hard) you can just about see because they are imagenary. But those that are not of the imagenary type if u look at them when they are "banging" their drums (you can hardly call it playing can you?)they always have the look of constipation... i mean concentration. Drummers have no dress sence and seriously need help!! for example Bob Bryer of My Chemical Romance like to wear yellow trainers well i neednt even mention Dave grohl! just remember if you become a drummer make sure you have enough money for a stylist or a very stylish girlfriend if you have one.

[edit] Current

It can be assumed from these that drummers were a genetic evolution, able to procreate due to their complete overdose of sex appeal. This would, of course, conveniently explainwhy they (apparently) are literally beating out everyone else, although there is a radical field of thought which maintains there are descendants of the drummers still licking ass today in society... a comforting thought.

[edit] Musical ability

This final grouping of paragraphs concern the ability of the common or garden drummer to keep a pulse as well as their general flair for music etc.

Drummers must keep the beat because guitarists are too busy dancing terrible whilst playing, even though the drummer told him that he would suck more if he did. Complaints that drummers speed up come from the fact that the rest of the band slow down.

The only logical conclusion to be drawn from this is that the rest of "the band" are even bigger idiots than the drummer supposedly is; given that the position of keeping the pulse is probably the most important one in any musical ensemble, WHY THE FUCK DON'T ONE OF YOU SMUG BASTARDS TRY DOING IT IF YOU HAVE SO MUCH FUCKING TALENT?! Given it a go? Was it difficult? Yes? Well stop taking the piss and buy a goddamn drum machine if you're going to complain about every person you put in the spot; then, when you think it's speeding up, there will finally be proof that it's you slowing down, you bastards!

[edit] Life Expectancy

Despite drummers being kick ass, their lives are usually cut short by freak gardening accidents and spontaneous combustion. Bands always have to deal with the death of a drummer after it got drunk and then break up instead of finding another alcoholic with anger management issues to smash a drum kit since it is inevitable. Scientists believe they live forever because God is smart.

[edit] Some Praise

We are proud of that last section, a manly drummer or some form of percussionist on the computer to lay down the word. Good.

Though it is worth mentioning that the drummer in question may have been randomly hitting letters on his keyboard, causing it to come into existence.

[edit] Drummers today

A modern drummer, demonstrating proper use of drumsticks. This particular drummer prefers to use one each of the "ice cream" and "chicken" varieties.

There is, of course, no proof that there are any drummers disappearing today. However, conspiracy theorists often claim to have killed off drummers in the vicinity of nightclubs and other areas where music is performed and sex is had... as such scientists rarely stray into these areas. As a contingency against the eventuality of actually encountering a live drummer a set of protocols have been compiled to defend yourself against them