Drumnadrochit
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Warning! Once you read this page you can't unread it and may be left with disturbing knowledge of the seemingly innocuous village that is Drumnadrochit!!!
It smells of shit.
It's true, for at least 9 months of the year Drumnadrochit smells largely of cow crap. This is not the fault of its local people but merely a natural problem caused by the high amount of cattle they keep. However, the piles of human faeces found in the streets is indeed the locals' fault. The primary export of Drum is actually shit which is used for a variety of purposes: manure, bedding, decoration, electricity and its "mayor". It is also a local delicacy when mixed with an alcoholic beverage which leads us to Drumnadrochit's second biggest export - drunks. The majority of people in Drum are drunk for at least 27 hours a day and those who are not are considered outsiders, freaks and witch-like, often resulting in their being burned at the stake, usually either on November 5th or at Hogmanay, though there are sporadic outbursts of witchburning throughout the year, to the delight of tourists in search of local colour. The government initially tried to combat this problem fearing the alcoholic fumes from Drum may have an adverse effect on neighbouring areas but realised their efforts were futile and accepted they would have to work around this problem instead. To do this they increased the demand for Drumnadrochian shit to increase the work force and immprove the economy of Drum. This shit they then reproccesssed and refined until it became an alcoholic liquor which they sold back to the town. This means the people of Drumnadrochit are able to maintain both their economy and drinking habits without causing others pain (much pain).
Drumnadrochit isn't exactly a place, it's more of a state of mind.
The picture to the right is Drumnadrochit's most famous cow shit which strongly resembles Urquhart Castle.
Contents |
[edit] The History Of Drumnadrochit
Drumnadrochit was initially founded by the great Roman commander Homodrunkess Colonius. One of the few Roman battalions to make it past the border found itself stranded on the shores of Loch Ness. In exchange for his freedom, Colonius agreed to construct a road from Inverness to Fort William as the crow flies. Of course, following a Scottish crow, particularly one living so far North, the crow could not fly in a straight line for long, so in contrast to the usual form of the Roman road, the winding road along the Loch resulted. When the road was eventually finished Colonius decided he had become rather attached to the Scottish countryside and so he built a tavern along the road for weary travellers. Settlers, excited about the prospect of alcohol only a few yards away, built houses around the tavern. The population grew and soon the settlement became a town. And thus Drumnadrochit was born.
Since then Drumnadrochit has seen good times and bad. It was the site of the 1756 battle between the English redcoats, with a vast army all wielding top of the line guns and protected by the best armour available, and the smaller army of Jacobites, armed with swords and wearing no underwear. After the English had been given a thorough licking, the people of Drum had to rebuild the town but chose to change the layout by building more than one road, being careful to ensure that no one still lived further than walking distance from the pub.
[edit] Where Is Drumnadrochit?
Don't ask that question. On the grounds that you may choose to go there, it has become illegal to reveal its location.
Many have ended up in Drumnadrochit, foolishly believing it to be a site of tourism paradise but none of these people have left. Those that were not burned for being sober became so drunk it was not possible for them to walk straight long enough to physically leave; they usually spend the rest of their lives walking in circles. For this, and other reasons, locals in the know, and temporarily sober, sometimes refer to Drum as "the largest openair lunatic asylum in the world", a title which, perplexingly, is not frequently advertised to the general public.
It is rumoured that the only way to find Drumnadrochit is to down an entire bottle of whisky at which stage you are transported there by the government's alcoholic over-consumption response unit.
A long asked question is whether Drumnadrochit was built in a valley or the government built the valley around Drum in order to keep the obese population in by forcing them to walk uphill to escape. Recent evidence does show that it is the former but nothing has yet been confirmed. This of course is another reason why people struggle to leave.
Drumnadrochit was originally marked on various maps but was blanked out when it was described as being "Quite simply a disgusting little village populated by disgusting little men and even more disgusting little women who all seem to take great delight rolling around in their own, or other peoples'/animals', excrement." Since that statement was delivered to the Prime Minister, Drumnadrochit has been replaced on all maps by a large black dot labelled "unknown". Satellite Navigation systems also no longer work in Drum, though not through an Act of Parliament. If any sanav should pass into this area first the screen will turn to static and a high pitched noise shall come on. Then appears the face of Scary Kev (see below) on a repeated loop saying in that slow, flat, drunken tone "Aye, any change, aye?"
[edit] Religion
The people of Drumnadrochit (if you can really call them that) worship one God, Nessie the Loch Ness Monster. Every Friday night the entire population honours her by gathering in the local pub and drinking till they can all see her. She has not been known to surface often and has a distinct hatred for tourists but when she does the whole town rejoices and is graced by hot weather, fertile fields and water turning to whiskey. However, the great monster does not always bring good news. In order to reap the benefits of her appearance the locals must make a sacrifice. Nessie actually has such poor eyesight due to alcohol related brain damage that she cannot tell the difference between a virgin girl and a sheep. Sadly, the womenfolk of Drumnadrochit are actually less attractive than sheep and so many are sacrificed purely to lessen the strain on the eyes for the Drumnadrochit males.
The sacrifice is made by a group of five town elders. They alone can speak to the great one. They gain their position of power through the ancient art of drinking. Any of the elders can be challenged at any point to a drinking contest: if they win they can offer the loser to Nessie; if they lose they are burned, hung and neutered, not necessarily in that order. The five elders spend their time anointing new children with the finest whiskeys, blessing the fields with their own "Holy Shit" and of course, drinking.
Over and above these five is a Head Druid. He is Desmond. Desmond is all-knowing and older than time itself. He has a beard, also older than time itself, to hide the fact he doesn't have a chin. He has four livers, gills and the ability to lay golden eggs. He is a slow walker, in fact he moves at -32mph, but he is unbelievably powerful and old, older even than time itself. He is carried around on the back of an lemelerhiger - an animal of his own creating made from the most powerful beasts known to man: an elephant for its intelligence, a rhino for its temper, a tiger for its stealth and a lemming.....because they are pretty darn fearless and Desmond thinks they are cute and cuddly. And possibly related to him. To the right is the Mark 2 Lemelerhiger which is 20% Rhino, 40% Elephant, 30% Tiger and 10% Lemming. The initial design was discarded (eaten by the townsfolk) as it was 97% Lemming and wholly impractical. The Great Desmond is permitted a number of privileges. He oversees the actions of the five elders and talks to Nessie in her native tongue. He is also the only human to ever talk to John Barr and live, though the conversation aged him even more.
The worshipping of Nessie or "Nessieism" is not local purely to Drumnadrochit. Much like the bogus scientology Nessieism has actually spread beyond the village and into the hearts of many celebrities. Fat Boy Slim was found seranading the great monster at a pagan gathering called RockNess. He was followed by Elton John and every member of Runrig. Tom Cruise is currently spreading the word of Nessieism as opposed to scientology, also known as "a load of bull crap".
[edit] Drumnadrochit And Politics/Current Affairs
Despite the obvious cultural problems in Drumnadrochit, the town is very influential in politics. George Bush, once considered a great politician, spent one night in Drumnadrochit for a benefit appeal. The following morning Iraq was invaded. Only one member of Drumnadrochit has served in the war and he caused 144 fatalities. Sadly all of these were on his own side, caused by a number of drinking games and the resulting injuries.
Drumnadrochit is now discussing starting its own space plan and Moon Mission, all they are asking for is a 50ft whiskey bottle for the base structure of their rocket. The Government is sceptical.
[edit] John Barr
John Barr is the greatest man ever to walk the earth, apart from Chuck Norris, to whom he is related on his mother's side. He rules over the people of drum with his Titanium skull and flaming shinty stick of death and pain. Through his control of this tiny villiage, John Barr is able to control the rest of the world. He has been known on several occasions to Kick Your Ass. John Barr, who usually resides in Hell, comes past the flaming gates for three reasons: to conquer the world of shinty, to breed, and to Kick Your Ass. In fact, John Barr has a PHD in Kicking Your Ass. John Barr's shinty skills are renown around the world, especially his ability to hit a shinty ball so hard all the women within a thousand mile radius become instantly pregnant with twins. John Barr then takes these twins back to Hell and eats them. John Barr came to be ruler of Hell when he traded his soul to Satan in exchange for his strength, intelligence and speed. Using this John Barr Kicked Satan's Ass. Irony being the one true weakness of Satan, he was then forced to serve under John Barr. His shadow is the only known gateway to Hell and if it should stand on you, you will be instantly transported into the firey caverns. When it comes to breeding John Barr is very selective. He chooses only the hottest, smartest, angriest women but he does not consider it sex if both women are alive at the end. Having sex with John Barr is a lot like riding a bull. If you don't use both hands prepare to be thrown off.
Mr T once challenged John Barr to a game of hopscotch which he won. Not to be easily beaten, John Barr invented racism. John Barr was shot seven times in the head four years ago, Death is just too afraid to tell him yet. Who do you work for? I'll tell you who - John Barr. In fact, should any question be asked anywhere ever the answer can
John Barr would like to interrupt me here to Kick Your Ass!
That is all.
only be John Barr. If you should see John Barr crying he will grant you one wish, if your wish is dying! John Barr is currently sueing the producers of "Law and Order" for stealing the names of his knuckles. Both Law and Order have a separate talent: Law has the ability to punch you into the next race, you turn around and you become Asian; Order can hit you in the DNA and alter it - years from now your descendents will stop, clutch their face and scream.
John Barr is also a great addition to the Drumnadrochit economy. He has made the village millions by bottling his piss and selling it under the label "Red Rooster". John Barr is so strong he can compress your skull into money. He has been known to increase the wealth of Drumnadrochit by eating lumps of coal and shitting diamonds. His chief export however is PAIN!
[edit] Other Famous Drumnadrochians
- Scary Kev (otherwise known as Crazy Kevin) who is the product of magic mushroom overdose. Now known for his affair with Tennants and public peeing.
- Sandy the Schizophrenic, affectionately known as "Psycho Sandy". Often enjoys a pint of strong 10 year old Ribena and has an affinity for Russian Cossack jackets.
- Santa! Yes Santa lives in Drum, often seen riding on his blue mobility scooter which transforms at Christmas into a sleigh. He is known to tell terrible jokes which can last up to three hours without a punchline, and somehow is able to lose his scooter on almost a daily basis. In order to retain the use of his scooter, Santa has to eat at five minute intervals throughout the working day. He sometimes dresses up as "Highlander" with a plaid and feather bonnet to disguise the fact that he is Santa Claus and retain his mystery. This has, so far, been a very successful ploy.
- Optimus Prime. Originally a caravan until John Barr had sex in it.
[edit] Drumnadochit Trivia
- Drumnadrochit's population comprises more foreigners than Scots,due to all those foolish tourists who came to see the Loch but never managed to leave.
- Drumnadrochit (Driuimhnnnadhrochaidhaidh) in Gaelic (Gaedhlighdghghghg) means "village of signs". Or, according to some, "village of cow ordure"
- Drumnadrochit can alter your state of reality.
- Drumnadrochit has a PHD in Kicking Your Ass.
- All Drumnadrochians have an extra liver, just in case.
- When people say they were born and bred in a village they mean they were born in a hospital in a city and brought up in a village. When a Drumnadrochian says that they mean they were actually born in the village.
- It is impossible to get away from Drum. No matter where you go, where you hide, how many times you change your name, they will find you. One day you'll get that knock on your door, you know the one that sounds like someone tried to punch it but missed, and you'll know they've found you!!!! Open the door and BOOM! There's Scary Kev asking for some change!
- People of Drumnadrochit have over a hundred words for shit i.e. poo, turd, crap, patty, Richard the Third, thick coffee cream, chocolate toilet fish and little brown friend!
- The people of Drum are not, as popular legend holds, actually inbred. However, most of them are the hybridspawn of a human and some kind of farm animal. Usually a cow; their surname indicates which cow.
