Drunken neighbour

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Social Mannerisms Of Drunken Neighbours: A Comprehensive Study

This thesis is an attempt, and just an attempt, to comprehend the social interactions and activities undertaken by the residents of <ADDRESS CENSORED> (hereby referred to as the drunken neighbours) during the weekend, and to establish some kind of order to the series of events ritually undertaken by them every Friday night.

Their behaviour has been observed to follow distinct patterns that are entirely dependent on what round of beer they are up to, so this study will document the occurrences in measures of time entitled “Rounds of Beer.” It should be noted however, that their conduct is entirely erratic and does not necessarily follow this order every time. For example sometimes they will get stuck on the “Dancing to bad 80’s rock music” phase permanently, to the great joy of nearby residents who find this funny, or skip it all together, to their great dismay.

[edit] Warning

However, before you begin reading, a word of warning. This is a guide only. This study was undertaken by professionals who risked their lives in the field. Do not under any circumstances approach the drunken neighbours, you risk disrupting the delicate natural balance and order that is their habitat.

[edit] Phases

First Round of Beer: Idle Chit-chat Phase

While waiting for the alcoholic effects to take control, conversation is dominated by stupid topics, such as “Which football player do I look like most” and “Which latest celebrity is gay”

Second Round of Beer: Gossup About Friends Phase

As the cheap liquor begins to take its hold, conversation drifts towards friends who are not present, with the usual exclamations of “Oh my god she’s gotten so fat!” and “Awwww they’re so cute together!” It is often hard to distinguish when this phase begins and ends, as it often runs on throughout the stupid joke phase.

Third Round of Beer: Stupid Joke Phase

As the collective intelligence of the group begins migrating south for the night, the stupid jokes come out of hiding. Characterized by the notorious “Chicken crossing the road” joke, someone usually gets something thrown at them during this phase. Music is also turned on for the first time during this phase.

Fourth Round of Beer: Philosophical Phase

When the collection of stupid jokes has been exhausted, the group begins to become philosophical, theorizing about the universe and how everything happens for a reason. Staring at the sky and saying things like “Isn’t it amazing how the universe is so big and vast and we’re so tiny” become popular. This is probably the closest thing to an intelligent phase during the night.

Fifth Round of Beer: Dirty Joke Phase

This transition from the philosophical phase is almost instantaneous (“Yeah you are pretty tiny Chris”) and begins an avalanche of dirty jokes that lasts until someone receives the business end of a slap.

Sixth Round of Beer: Telling Chris To Put His Camera Away Phase

Everyone tells Chris to turn his camera off.

Seventh Round of Beer: Dancing To Bad 80's Rock Music Phase

The absolute favourite of the author, this phase involves, as the name suggests, dancing to bad 80’s rock music. Infamous dance moves such as the “Robot” and “Stirring the Pot” can be observed to the amusement of neighbours. Music is usually turned up and hilarity ensues. Chris turns his camera back on discretely. This phase goes for an extended period of time, usually until someone gets tired and/or becomes so intoxicated that they fall over.

Eighth Round of Beer: Singing To Bad 80’s Rock Music Phase

While not quite entertaining as the previous phase, the notorious singing to John Farnham and other mullet-sporting idols is a good laugh to anyone within earshot.

Ninth Round of Beer: “I Love You Guys” Phase

As intoxication causes the drunken neighbours to approach the absolute apex of stupidity, members feel the need to spontaneously proclaim their love for one another. “Awwww I love you guys” can be heard emanating from the premises frequently.

Tenth Round of Beer and Beyond: Censored

Involving behaviour that would make any respectable Catholic priest cry, past the 10th round enters the territory beyond reason where hose fights are obligatory and clothing not as much so. For modesty reasons these events have been censored.

[edit] After Effects

First Round of Aspirin: “Who the Hell Are You?” Phase

Awakening the morning after (frequently in unexpected places such as the front lawn) the drunken neighbours ponder who the hell various unconscious strangers are.

Second Round of Aspirin: Piecing Together the Previous Night's Events Phase

By using the collective and severely damaged memory of members of the group, the drunken neighbours piece together the previous night’s events, often adding completely imagined happenings that never took place involving exotic animals.