Duke of Earl

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The Duke of Earl flauntering his beard at the camera.

“I eagerly accepted his new invention of meat and lettuce on sliced bread, but passed up his offer of a three-way with he and his beard. To this day that is my one regret.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Duke of Earl

The Duke Of Earl, real name John-Jack-Julia Jefferson, and his beard were both son, grandson and daughter to the Duke Of York and were born in 1734, 1748 and 1811. He lived his life flauntering his rather large beard to the strangers of the West Virginian Virgins and was a somewhat ambitious type. His early years were spent in taverns and pubs in the Isle of Man whereby he tried to find a way off the island. Unfortunately the entire population of the Isle of Man had the same problem.

One day when John-Jack-Julia and his beard were taking a walk while pondering plans to escape the island he was mistaken for a rather large Kodiak bear by a sailor who just happened to be marooned on the Isle of Man. Fearing the worst, the sailor jumped back into his boat and headed for the mainland. Fortunately for the Duke his beard realized it as a possibility to leave the dreaded island for once and all and jumped into the boat, dragging the Duke with it. They ate the sailor after 2 months at sea and managed to circumnavigate the island 23 times until he managed to make it back to the mainland, but the heavy sea, lack of nourishment and the harbour seals claimed their due - when the ship arrived, his beard was the only survivor.

Another fact of note is that John-Jack-Julia is sometimes accredited as inventing sexual intercourse and the sandwich within the span of the same day (See Citation).

The Duke of Earl has recently been implicated in the Blair government's cash-for-peerages scandal. He is believed to have given a loan of half a pound of tuppenny rice and half a pound of treacle to New Labour in return for being ennobled.