Dumfries
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Dumfries (Dùn Phreas in Scottish Gaelic or Dum Pomme Frite in Latin) is a small Tory town in the Deep South of Scotland located within a dense forest known as Dumfries and Galloway. The town is famous for being the hometown of Scottish poet Iain Crichton Smith and it's buildings which are all built from local Locharbriggs Marble, rocks that aren't marble at all but are old, red and sandstone and can't be named that as the ones in Caithness and Orkney are already called very old red sandstone. These rocks formed in desert environments in the 18th century where remnants can still be found and camel safaris are available at a small village called Torthorwald where according to local legend, Maggie Thatcher once rose from the dead.
"Dumfries is just bridges and heroine"
[edit] About the Town
The Town is pronunced how it sounds Dum Fries. It got its name when they started to make french fries here in the 8th century but the local potatoes filled full of toxins made people who eat fries here dumb so they called the fries dum fries and thats how the town got its name. Nothing exciting ever happened in Dumfries until 2006, from the exception of the 12th October, 1978 when a farmer's tractor got a flat tyre once outside Annan and caused yet another traffic jam along the A75, a road with a bad reputation thanks to local lad Allan McNish for speeding up and down in his Audi. The town was rocked by the Great Earthquake in 2006 that destroyed most of the town (8.9 Richter and hailed as a national emergency by Jack McConnell). The earthquake was so strong that it was felt as far away as Paris and created a 7ft high tsunami that sunk the Solway Harvester and killed a number of Chinese cockle farmers across the Solway Firth. The British Geological Survey claim this was triggered by earth movements caused by Queen of the South fans celebrating a rare goal at Palmerston. Rumour has it that Peter Pan's dad James Matthew Barrie (no, not Rimmer from Red Dwarf) was also born here before he moved to Neverland.
The town is protected from fiendish emo kids by the local gays, also known as 'Civic Pride Dumfries'. This energetic troupe battle against the towns litter problem by threatening to hand out anti-litter leaflets to those who throw their cigarette butts down (ss opposed to the insignificant, national fine of £50).
[edit] Deer Park
Dumfries is reknowned by the locals for it's joyeous park by the river, appropriately named Deer Park as there are no deer there. It is said that there used to be deer there, but one day they mysteriously disappeared.
Allegedly at one time there was also a coup of chickens.
Deer Park is one of the most cultured areas of Dumfries, as there are fewer disgarded junkie needles there. According to recent findings, only 24372 needles are found there each day, only a quarter of the amount found in other areas of Dumfries.
The air content of Dumfries has also been of significant interest to scientists. Regular air is about 20% Oxygen with the other main elements being Carbon, Argon and Nitrogen. The air in Dumfries is actually only 5% Oxgen. Atleast 60% of the air is made up of nicotine. 25% is Heroine.
[edit] Sport
The Dumfriesshire area has an alright football team called Queen of the South that until recently were always in the Second Division and a slightly better one up the road known as Dalbeattie Star from a small town made of Aberdeen granite called Castle Douglas.
There is one team from Gretna (the UK's divorce capital) that will always pump the forementioned but aren't really a team as club owner and keeper Miles Hogarth bought the team himself, making it more or less a fantasy football team, now in the SPL.
