Dundee
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“And lo, you will raise all cities of the infidel, for they are unclean. Save only Dundee, for living in Dundee is punnishment in itself.”
~ Allah on saving Dundee
Dundee is built on the banks of a greyish-green luminescant Tray on the east of Scotland. Dundee (Great Cesspit in Garlic) is actually 67 miles south of the Parker Dam at Aberdeen and was accidentally given the wrong name by the first ever Lord Provost Maurice Malpas. It is more widely known in Aberdeen as Scumdee (as it is allegedly populated by scum), as they have taken a disliking to the lack of sheep. It has also been called Dumpdee (as it was Scotland's first rubbish dump, until Glasgow and England took the job). After its' neighbour, The Kingdom of Fife, it is probably the most inbred and decrepit corner of Europe.
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[edit] Geography
Dundee iz in scotlund it is sichooated neer sum watur cald the tay. Local people claim that it is the most doss city in scotland, everyone else knows it to be a place of smellyness and scummyness, hence the name scumdee or dumpdee. Dundee has two football teams, dundee utd who are crap and dundee who are the biggest lot of pish on the planet as each member of the side carries out gay acts. Example of this are the big hefty gnag bangs that they have on the centre circle with many of the match officals. Dundee FC also like to give referees oral as they claim it is very yummy having a big dripping winky in their mouths. Built on the sides of an extinct volcano, the original name "Duntay" led to the hill being called Duntay's Peak. The original settlers of Duntay then emigrated to the United States in search of a volcano that actually worked, naming their new village "Dante's Peak" with a slightly different spelling to keep up with that annoying American habit. Surprisingly, Dundee is Scotland's only south-facing city, which would make it one of Scotland's sunniest cities, if the sun ever shone there. However, puzzlingly, it remains the skin cancer capital of the country.
Despite this excellent position, Dundee's position as the skin cancer capital of the world status is assisted by the proliferation of sunbeds. Recent estimates have suggested that tanning beds and other Solarium devices outnumber the human population by 3.141 to 1.
Dundee is surrounded by the flat, rolling fields of Angus to the North and Peter to the East, with the even flatter Victoria Beckham to the immediate West. This raises the question, "Why would the first settlers build a city on the region's only steep hill that happens to run into the sea to the South, that separates the city from the Kingdom of Fife and the glorious Principalities of Tayport and Wormit. Dundee, and is connected to Fife by two bridges (one of which (Tay Rail Bridge) has already fallen down as architect Thomas Bouch never took into account the extra weight of nesting seagulls)?".
As things stand with the Tay Road Bridge, it is free to drive into Dundee but you must pay to get back out again, meaning that Fifers must drive 20 miles inland and back again where they had to set up a motorway service station called Perth at the halfway point. After the Dundonian engineer's embarrassment after the Tay Rail Bridge disaster, they didn't do much better the second time around as the second bridge isn't even flat - a mistake that Fifers have to pay for by cycling a mile uphill to take their shopping home, at least they don't have any money to buy anything. The bridges were built after a series of ferries never actually brought anybody back, giving the terminal the name Broughty Ferry. It was later discovered that the missing people travelling south had either been trapped in Scotland's Secret Bunker or had moved to Scotland's nightclub capital St Andrews.
[edit] History
Dundee is Scotland's bonniest city, hence why it has the title Bonnee Dundee. Some may say it is the greatest city in Scotland, but they tend to be among the large number of methadonies (like teletubbies, but scruffier) who hang about outside the various pharmacies.
Originally built during the 1960s when a local man going by the name of D.C. Thompson started up the Beano. His instant success made him a local hero and it was not long before the Dandy was written up, so successful that a statue of comic star Desperate Dan was erected next to the one of Viz's Biffa Bacon in the city centre. The city is also famous for the 'Three Js'; Jute, Jam and Jewellery theft although the last one is more associated with glasgow. More recently, Dundee has become a world centre for software development, it's greatest export being Rockstar North who created Grand Theft Auto in Edinburgh and persuaded children worldwide to murder their grandmothers.
Dundee's economy is now heavilly dependent on a large Olympia swimming pool complex,
neighbouring Gala casino and a a large frigate boat with a dead unicorn's head stamped to it's front.
Dundee was also the birthplace of Wm. Lows, a supermarket chain named after the inventor of milk which was later bought over by Tesco who currently have an average of 3.2 supermarkets in the city per Dundonian.
The city council has also recently started a city centre facelift to make it look more scenic and reduce traffic conjestion by "bringing the city closer to it's seafront", presumably by flooding all roads along with the Overgate shopping centre, allowing the Seagate bus station to live up to it's name.
There are local yearly events that happen in Dundee which are now known world wide such as the -
Search for clean needles in Templeton forest on easter sunday Annual find a body part on Snobsville Beach - then use it to play volleyball - and the winning team gets to eat it after. and the local dogging trips to various places such as Camp park and NoHope Hospitol grounds where they take there dogs to fight each other for pleasure.
[edit] Education
Dundee boasts many a secondary school, the most prominent of which is Grove Academy. Grove is headed by his gingerness Mr Hunter, who they say is a third cousin twice removed of Albus Dumbledore himself and direct offspring of a potato. The student body is 61% middle class and 39% muscle, most of whom are obsessed with nu rave and Primark. This is testamount to the neon rave which took over the common room on March 6th 2008 - unofficial records claim nobody was killed, though Mr Masson took a glowstick to the eye, which was washed out successfully with his infamous eye cleaner. Famous former students include Othello, Jennifer Aniston and Robbie Forsyth.
To this date not one Dundonian has ever grasped the skills of redading and writing, though hopes remain high that thebaby-boom which the city perpetually goes through will throw up plenty of Jordan's, Britney's, Kayleigh's, Beyonce's, Caitlin's, Leigh-Annes and other ned-weans able to grasp the challenges of learning to walk upright on two feet and stringing letters the gether to make words, then hopefully moving onto literary basics.
A distant cousin of the derelict Dundee Schools (mabye not Grove because it is then Ferry and is being converted into an over expensive office block) is Monifieth High School. Often famous for it's pointless feud with Grove Academy Industries, Monifieth High School is mainly full of the middle classes with many attempting to achieve the rank of lower class, much like the majority of other school is Dundee these people are commonly known as "Cheuchters"*pro. waang-kers*. Monifieth departed to Angus at some point during the Industrial Revolution because that's where all of the slave keepers and posh folk lived in all those big houses which have are now obsolete due to Angus Council errecting equally huger houses. Although the school is situated in Monifieth the inmates mainly hail from those bits of Dundee you never even knew about e.g...Birkhill? Newtile? where?-mathematically 77.5% of people are bumpkins, this is a constant strain as due to Monifieth's lack of young people it leaves it being boring as... Monifieth High School attempts to hold back a fair share of renegades and mavericks but it just can not be done.
In stark contrast to Grove Acadamy, stand Braeview Academy. This pitiful excuse for an educational cesspool churns out more impregnated students every year than it takes in in first years every August. The typical Braeview lassie has 4 bairns to 6 laddies (impossible you say? Nae! Nothing be impossible be you nearith the Tay!). Braeview has spat out number of well recognised citizens including the jakey in town heading to Blairgowrie, the jakey in town who steals your kebabs, your mum, Margaret Thacher and roughly 345,698 benefit cheats.
Dundee is also famous for it's two universities. The University of Dundee, the aborted lovechild of The University of St. Andrews and Baghdad Technical College is renowned for producing top quality medical graduates, including the world famous Dr Harold Shipman; the University of Abertay is often referred to as the University of Whitfield, it is known to teach the alphabet and the three times table. As Bell Street Technical College it had a standing in the world, now it's just another poor man's Uni.
Rivalry to attract students is fierce between the two institutions. Abertay claims to be supreme over all Scottish universities due to having 'more computers per head than any other university', by ploughing the most money into advertising and having the highest percentage of students acquired through the clearing process and by the fact no sod wants to go there. It is also the only Scottish University not be named after a real person or place. The word 'Abertay' is in fact derived from the German words aber, meaning 'butt' and tay, meaning 'hole'.
Most Students residing in the city absolutely shit themselves when venturing out into the local's country. This is due to the high proportion of them being pompous, smug middle-class bawsacks with a high percentage having had their folks pay for them to go to school. All that money frittered away on Callum's and Sophie's education and they decide to go to Dundee!
[edit] City of Discovery
In 1987, local Dundonian Ivan Golac discovered genuine alligators in the sewers of Dundee that had been orphaned after their owners had died after going into Ninewells Hospital to get their ingrown toenails checked. Originally the town was dubbed 'Crocodile Dundee' although this coincided with a large influx of Australian film pilgrims after Mr T's blockbuster film of the same name. However, after discovering most of them had emigrates to Australia from Dundee in the first place, a last minute attempt to rid the town of moaning Ozzies suggesting Scotland's sunniest city just wasn't sunny enough was put into action. They were all banished and sent back to Oz on the ship 'RSS Discovery' which was thrown off course by a Monsoon in the Indian Ocean.
The ship's crew finally admitted they were lost when they became trapped in Antarctica after taking a wrong left at the Maldives and were forced to eat each other to stay alive. This was also made into a film, although apparently it was easier for the Hollywood film crews in Los Angeles to film in the South American Andes than fly equipment out to the South Pole. Discovery Point was later built on Dundee's seafront as a lasting memorial to the ships crew and is now a popular museum. More unusually, on the 12th September every year, cannibals from around the world meet here where a randomly selected prisoner from nearby Castle Huntly prison is sacrificed in memory of those that died in the tragedy.
Had a series of the ITV hit show "Club Reps" set in it. To watch this go to - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0EqpH12-a0.
Another aging relic in Dundee is that guy who always needs 10p for a cup of tea. You know that guy, puts on the stupid voice, jingles his cup, gets a bus from the bus station with his mate and talks perfectly normal and cowards away when you shout him and demand you chuffing 10p back...prick
[edit] Sport
It has never occurred to Dundonians that they may do better if a small city only had one main senior football team. To make matters worse, both football grounds are across the street from one another and punters can save £15 a head by watching the games from the top of Dundee Law free of charge. The two Scottish Premier League teams are known as Dundee FC and Lochee United, with fallen junior side Dundee united opting to play for a place in the OVD Cup. Dundee FC have had such superstar signings like Fabrizio Ravanelli, Barry Smith, Diego Maradona and Eric 'Sinky' Sinclaire. Dundee United, known as the Dirty Arabs after fans once amputated a players leg for missing a penalty kick (and for their love of molesting camels). Dundee FC were the first Scottish team to reach the european cup semi-finals in 1963, the only way United got anywhere near europe at this time was by entering a song in the well known contest.Which got nil point 'Morris Morris WE love you' didn't go down to well with the Latvians. In recent seasons however the trend has been reversed, with the dirty Dens horde now stuck with the liability of having the Kray twins in charge.
Once the Kray's had set about turning Dens into a rubbish dump by day come strip and poker club at night they had their heart set on biggers things, including a property in Brighton. So retiring the left the club look for a new Pimp master. Along Came Dee5Death an organisation set up from local dole money to get the local drugged up and father of four already teenagers to play football on a saturday for nothing. To great success they now have a creche and methadone shop.
Needles to say during this time Lochee United beat Rangers to win the League and The lower rate United team (Dundee) got to the final of some cup by singing yet another song this time being more optimistic unfortunetly it came down to a sing off between them and The local Proddie team who won in the end.
Dundee's fighting culture has also produced a number of rising boxing stars including world welterweight champion Joe Dundee and Jim McLean who, after defeating Muhammed Ali, mistakenly punched BBC Scotland reporter John Barnes, thinking he was Jimmy Hill.
Not only is it the city of discovery but also holds the title of sunshine capital of scotland, accounting for 3 enitre hours of sun every year. Dundee also holds the record of "Most Underage Pregnancies" in, perhaps, the whole world. As many as 7 out of every 8 teenagers give birth to a screaming little Dundonion runt every year. This poses the problem of whether it should be classed as the city's official sport but the Lord Province can really be arsed.
The "women", if you can call them that, of Dundee have also recently discovered that taking it up the poop shoot does not lead to an unwanted pregnancy!!
[edit] Evolution in Dundee
recently there has been a large amount of evolution in Dundee. Some of the neds have now evolved into what is known as "Emo's", of couse the wannabe emo's are not yet human but are still higher ranked than the average Ned.
Neds or the Lynch family in Dundee will usually be heard saying the following phrases;
- "Moshpot"
- "Oi mister gonna get me a carry oot"
- "Meh goad i nivir done nuttin"
- "Eh well meh big cussins awa' tae batter yih"
- "Eh dingies"
- "Omg i'm pregnant"
- "Eh yih wir pure steaming"
- "He/Shes pure raging"
- "Ehm gonnae pahn yer windies"
- "Dinna you ever!"
Identifiying a ned: Neds of Dundee can usually be spotted by; (if Male) wearing tracksuits, nike trainers, burberry clothes, with a joint, chucking fireworks or by there oary voices. (if Female)has an Orange face, is pregnant, or is anorexic, and usually wears short skirts, or just long tops with footless tights, they are often seen wearing coats that are similar to bin bags.
these neds are evolving into "wannabe emo's" Wannabe emo's are supposedly individual, and are known as "Weemos for short by real emos,moshers,goths,skater etc" although most have black hair, lip rings, wear vans and sit outside the steeple, they are not quite normal in the head and all have emotional breakdowns a few times a week. These people usually cry over an ex that they never likes in the first place, want to commit suicide because they get slagged(allthough they only get slagged for constantly trying to commit suicide), Emo's have a tendency to sit inside places like mcdonalds spit balling people, chucking napkins on the floor, sitting in the kidies party area and randomly slaggin neds at every opportunutiy.
Evolution is set to soar in Scumdee, as it has the highest teenage pregnancy rate in Europe, oprobably through inbreeding. There is hope that this behaviour will eventually wipe out all Scumdonians.
[edit] Local Cuisine
- Pehs (also known as "pies" in all other English-speaking parts of the United Kingdom)
- Bridies
- Other Dundonians (canibalism is still rife in Dundee)
- Pork - snack favoured by Dundee born Allah
- Greggs Steak Bakes and Irn Bru for special occasions
- The legendary lunchtime special served at the bread basket
[edit] Famous Dundonians
- Allah - inventor of the Pork Chop.
- Mr Dowson - bald funnyman
- Oor Wullie
- Yer Maw
- William Low
- Jim McLean
- William Topaz McGonagall
- Poet Guy, The winner of Radio Tays "Are you worse than McGonagall" Competition
- Ronald Reagan's auntie Betty
- Dennis the Menace
- Fabrizio Ravenelli
- Fray Bentos
- The [yorkshire ripper], who was M.P For Dundee East the last two elections.
- The person who created FAKE TAN
- Along with the person who made wearing sensible clothing illegal and penalised by fixed penalty fine of £40
- The person who created double yellow lines
- It is rumoured that Osama Bin Laden once had sex with a donkey at the top of Dundee law
- John "The Pratt" Letford a.k.a. Lord Asshole of Dundee
- Eddie Thompson, owner of Morning Noon & Shite
- Eddie Wong, 'proud owner of douglas's best chinese the Sumer Palace situated in huntly square'
- The View, are a band whose members are neds. An insult to Dundee, it's not really as bad as they are... honest.
- The Rise, are a band marginally better than the View, also made of of Neds.
- The Korovas, have tom cruise lookalike guitarist called andy !!! good tunes too.
- The Law, are a band named after the hill not the polis
- The Daze, a band who decided to copy the naming trends of the above bands
- Page 6, R.O.L.O., Blinshall, Magdelan Green, The Leve Breakers and Gav fae Magdelan Green. Are bands that receive no attention due to the worshiping of crap bands whoes names start with "The" despite actually being rather good.
- The Don
- Hagrid
- It is also rumoured that Mahatma Gandhi was actually born somewhere in Dundee's Hilltown Area and not in Porbanded in India.
- The guy that invented The Dole
- The Iron Sheik, He breaks the backs of Neds and makes them "Humble".
- The guy on the Irn-Bru cans.
- Pac-Man, WAKA WAKA WAKA!
- Sean Glashan, Tha Straight Up G Thang!
- Big Tony Cousins.
- The Red M&M, MMMM YUMMY!
- You
- Mark Allan, the ninja-pirate-vulpine.
- Tony fae the chippy
- The Ardler pirates, YAP totaly rules likes(technical problemm- all YAP members are actually junkies,minks or are only 11 and are pregnant)
- ali lynch's massive forehand (he is also known for being gay)
- The Prophet Mohammed
- Luigi
- Janek and all his friends from Polski
- Mad Alfie!!!
- Francis Quinn - the only man from Lochee to hold down a full time job.
- Ross Greig
- That guy who asks for 10p
- Smithy
- Mad Robert that sells the Tele (or who you meet on a bus where he will sit next to you and blether)
- Ali lynch and his amazingly small penis
[edit] Quotes
“Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Tay! Alas! I am very sorry to say, that ninety lives have been taken away, On the last Sabbath day of 1879, Which will be remember'd for a very long time, but then, one supposes, that's what happens when you let a FEB build a bridge..”
~ William McGonagonagonagonagonagall on the Tay Rail Bridge Disaster
“Dundee is indeed an armpit. Leave, at all costs... ”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dundee
