Dungeons and Dragons
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“This is better than porn!”
~ Typical gamer on Dungeons and Dragons
“I'm Consérvator Meadowstar, a level 20 paladin elf. Now to go kill democrats”
~ Bill O'Reilly on Dungeons and Dragons
“I am a shaman! I can shoot fireballs and kill people! I play D&D when I'm not doing that.”
~ William Shatner on Dungeons and Dragons
Role-playing game.Dungeons and Dragons, originally Dorks and Dice, was developed in 1974 by Gary Gygax when he was really drunk and decided it would be fun to throw dice at other dorks. Other dorks retaliated by throwing their school notebooks at him, these were filled with random numbers related to Mind-Fuck Calculus and dork depictions of girls (these were horrible skewed and were mistaken for elves, since most dorks have never seen girls in their life and don't actually know what one looks like).
The current version of D&D is 2d6+3 (revised). In May 2007, Dungeons and Dragons publisher, Wizards of the Coast, announced that a new addition would be released within the year. When asked why, the CEO responded, "Lisa needs braces."
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[edit] D&D and Satanic Worship
Dungeons and Dragons was first suspected to contain Satanic references during an interview with Vagina Aleister, the game's running mate. He was asked by Jerry Falwell, on the talk show, I Said Good Day Sir, if D&D contained such references. Gygax responded "What? This is absolutely slanderous!", and immediately reported that the quote was taken way out of context.
This vague and often misquoted reply was twisted by the media to suggest that there was a connection between Satanic worship and role-playing games (including but not limited to D&D). To address the evils of financially supporting foul companies and products, Satan-hating soccer moms across the world bought thousands of dollars of RPG merchandise for the purposes of burning it.
Evangelicals claim that this game was first created to distract American soldiers and return them to the devil-worshiping ways most people abandon in the fifth grade. Last year, the Israeli Defense Force adopted Dungeons and Dragons as their official training mechanism, in lieu of more traditional methods such as Playstation.
Gary Gygax was considered the United States of America's second most dangerous Satanist prior to his death. He is now considered the single most dangerous Satanist in the US. Before his death, this title belonged to Bob Hope.
[edit] The Truth
Your child is taught to assume a person what they would have realized anyway is very, very bad! Often these characters are violent, disrespectful atheists who relish destruction of orcs and Mind Flayers - clever analogies for good-moralled authority figures in everyday life (soldiers and clergymen, respectively).
Other characters have magical powers, invoked through things such as incantations in unintelligible languages (Latin is popular). They are taught to chant and enter coma-like trances.
The Dungeon Master is a figure kids come to regard as a godhead who offers blessings and damnation as He (or worse, She)sees fit, like a modern day Jesus. Children learn to seek the approval of Him and only Him, obeying His commands without question, and accepting what he says as fact. For example, "crack cocaine is an acceptable weight loss solution," "heroin will get rid of your sinusitis," and "marijuana is no worse for you than smiling." He also uses positive reinforcement to increases his control, rewarding a player's sacrifices of money, food, drugs etc. with "in game experiences" and "phat lewt."
As your child progresses through this unholy journey, he acquires levels, learns to cast spells (witchcraft, an abomination and incontestable proof of Satanic influence) and faces ever more subjects of Satan, starting to encounter and even learn to interact with undisguised minions of hell, such as demons.
This Satan, however, demands your social life soul. In return, he promises to give never-ending virginity life.
Dungeon Master worship can be considered the worst(note: not morally, but magnitudinally) type of demonic activity possible, as instead of bowing to three-headed dragons or some other thing that angsty, friendless teens make sure to let everyone know they follow, it involves bowing to an acne-ridden 20-something loser who has never had a girlfriend and is either massively underweight or overweight.
[edit] A Brief Overview on the Game Play
For those of who don’t know what exactly Dungeons & Dragons is, it’s probably best to just say that it’s a game that just basically requires you, the player. No plugs or outlets needed. (If you were invited to a gaming session and such things were needed for a game that would require just your imagination, GET OUT.) One person, the Dungeon Master, (Sweet name… lolz) sets up the adventure for his friends to follow. He writes up this adventure, and the game is then played out using just paper, pencil, and various sided dice. You roll a die to decide an outcome of an event, and your imagination takes care of the graphics. And… that’s it. Nothing else. Nothing more is needed to play this game. Just the Dungeon Master and the character and species of your choice that you created, like Briglok, the Ork, Dirk, the Knight, Manaray, the Wizard, or Mark Foley, the Cave Dweller to thwart the demons in the dragon’s lair. As one can imagine, this game is very intense on numerous levels, such as boredom. Oscar Wilde plays a variant of D&D that has less to do with ginormous reptiles or dark subterranean chambers, and more to do with huffing the DM's kitten.
[edit] Classes
Warriors
- Fighters: This is the noob class, where you get big fucked up guys on steroids with massive swords and low intelligence. They typically think that you float on acid. Noobs.
- Monk: They can fight with their hands - but not even as well as a Wizard. Their main purpose in life is to carry stuff around.
- Barbarians: Barbarians like to yell really loud and are even buffer and stupider than fighters (in that they can't read, mostly), having taken even more powerful steroids. A "special" kind of warrior that you can only find in the wilderness. They have more skill points though, so I wouldn't really actually know. They like to bash people's heads in even harder than fighters. They can also run faster. Why choose fighter when you can choose barber? Oh right, more feats. Because feats pwn everybody. Silly me. Fighters are more noob! I will stick to that claim.
- Rangers: A pussy class that thinks it's cool to take out enemies with arrows, and then run away because they're scared their mums will tell them off. Alternatively, they think that fighting with two weapons is more awesome, because they get to whack people with two swords instead of just one. Anyone who plays a ranger is probably also a king-in-exile with a legendary broken sword.
- Paladins: Doped up people that believe they've seen a god, and must spread the word by bashing people's heads in, because that's what peace-loving god would tell them to do, isn't it? Their main ability is based on smiting evildoers, but for some reason they don't get to do it much. They also get a few spells, a weak turn undead, and a bit of healing. All in all, a distinct improvement from fighters.
- Knight: Kinda like paladins but without the god stuff. They also have more hp and armor than paladins, but no spells. Why choose them? So you can do nothing all adventure and just take hits. What other games allow that, I wonder?
- Crusader: Kinda like knight but with less armor and hp. They have these things called stances which are supposed to be sorta like spells but not really. They're really not worth mentioning. It's considered unwise to multi-class crusader and paladin simply for RP purposes, even though this combination can pwn fighters.
- Whirling Dervish: If you choose this class, you become a crazy dervish that loves to whirl around whilst masturbating. People who choose this class must convince the DM (through cajoling and pleading) that it'll help in combat somehow. If it does, then they're hands down the best class of all for twinking - that is, if you browse the WoTC boards for 30 hours speccing all the appropriate feats here and there and multiclassing at least 4 other base classes and 8 prestige classes.
Mages
- Wizards: Another pussy class chosen by nerds who want to think that they have actual power. They are strange loners who like wearing long cloaks and getting boys into their cars. They fire magic missiles and fireballs at everyone, including their party. They are all gay and fuck other members of their party in their sleep with a Dildo +5.
- Clerics: Also known as "Heal-Bitches." 'Nuff said.
- Druids: When players got fed up with Batman dominating the game, WotC created Druids to counteract him. Druids have an animal companion that fights as well as a regular warrior, can change into an animal that fights as well as a normal warrior, and can blow people up as well as a wizard. Marketed as a "buy one, get two free!" deal.
- Warlocks: The ultimate in angst style classes. STAY AWAY AT ALL COSTS. Seriously, these guys are creepy. They love to spam hellditch blast, a maneuver invented by some dude lying in a ditch in the afterlife plane of hell. Warlocks know how to perform this maneuver endlessly as they have consulted with dark beings. In other words, they can suck at will. If you want to do that, you might as well be a fighter.
- Sorcerer: Even more nooby than the wizard. Great for if you want to cast all the spells wizards can cast but without having to study all day, or write all day, or have any sort of intelligence. Sorcerers also tend to be very attractive to the opposite sex and will typically get laid along with bards while the other members can do nothing but commit suicide when there's no adventurin' to be done. Sorcerers alternatively "negotiate" with NPCs, also known as ripping the NPCs off, and are burned as devil worshipers by the same NPCs, probably because they didn't want to be ripped off anymore. Go figure.
Thieves
- Rogues: Weird people who also wear long cloaks, but use it to show they can look cool, because they are not. They have a tendency to backstab the enemies, take their gold, and run away before their party members can torture them; then turn around and backstab them all at the same time. Rogues need a lot of equipment for when the rob people, and it includes: Grappling hook; loot bag; dagger; strap-on dildo; tactical nuke. They're the best to class to backstab their teammates with. In D&D online, you're not cool unless you backstab your group. Everyone hates them but pretty much needs them because their wizard is always too much of a noob to open doors/climb/untie rope/make shit/reconfigure the nether for them.
- Bards: The only way to score with a girl (at least in-game). Suck so much in everything so that they become the best, since bestness is not a line from worst to best, it's more of a circle, and if you go to far in one side, you end up in the end of the other, and the bard sucks so much that he ends up at "The Best", if that makes sense at all. Bards can do anything, since they are Jackasses of All Trades, but performing music and being social are their specialties. (it's a Fantasy game, being social and popular is more unrealistic then magic for nerds.). In addition, female Bard characters get bonuses to their perform checks if they don't wear underwear or clothes and masturbate (latter optional). Typical bard instruments are the glass harmonica, Theremin and the one-man band. Bards would be a lot better if they had electric guitars, but unfortunately those don't exist in the middle ages, so like you can't rock out or anything. Sucks!
- Ninjas: Everyone wants to be them. Except people who haven't heard of them, and they usually choose to be rogues. Ninjas can turn invisible right in front of their enemies, leap really really far, and throw shit really fast - as long as they are the only ninja in view. They have many many skill points and more hit points then rogues, and are pretty much all around uber. Unless you want to toss spells everywhere or pretend to be all buff, this class is your best bet.
Hookers
- Sexard: Half-naked woman usually played by the fat lonely nerd who wants people to look at him, these are very commonly found in video games. The succubus is the worst race to choose in combination with this class.
(more will be added)
Turkleton
- Commonly referred to as The Turk. this class is unatainable through normal means. It has been referred to as "the Arcane Asymptote" by its original player, whose name is unknown. Playing this class grants immunity to Disease (especially when partied with the Hooker class) and Stuns. The racial enemy for this class is the Reisz, which is a primitive humanoid monster that usually dwells in caves, rarely venturing out to the sun (it will not attack females, for it does not know what they are). When approached, it will constantly badger the player with undending insults, often involving the player's maternal parent, or their comparative genital size. The Turk recieves an exclusive mount called a The Turkmobile, which guarantees "satisfaction" when partied with the Hooker class (provided that both players are mounted on it).
[edit] D&D Facts
- When faced with a critical decision in life D&D players roll a d20 and decides what to do after roll.
- Players sometimes throw a d4 at other players during down time because they become bored.
- Rarely players have been known to bet on a roll of a d20 while LARPing.
- When a Nerd is found to be by himself he will just roll d20 to see what to do next.
- For a Nerd to ask out a non-nerd girl he must roll at least 300 on 15d20.
- The DM rarely does anything except make up stuff and replenish the Hot Pockets
- There has been three deaths relating to D&D, five of which were thought to be murder.
- D&D was created by two people who were experimenting with a mixture of cough medicines.
- The D&D Core Rulebook is sometimes actually the Communist Manifesto and/or Mein Kampf in disguise.
- Most people who play D&D never score with a girl, in real life, or in the game.
- It is impossible to 'win' at D&D. Your character will die eventually no matter what you do.
- The most famous DM of all time is Jimmy Wales.
- D&D is highly addictive; withdrawal symptoms include rolling 4d6 in your sleep.
- Banned in Utah.
- Most players rolled a critical miss on life.
- Playing D&D might cause you to take 2d4 damage from wedgies.
- It is almost impossible to break addiction. One reason is because now there is a D&D online computer game. Thus making it even harder to quit because when someone finds themselves alone and with no one to play with. They just hop onto their computer and boot up their D&D storm reach account. Another reason is that Sony is supposedly going to have a version on their PSP and said version will include the Yellow Dragon, Blue Dragon, Red Dragon, and their bastard sibling Puff.
- D&D isn't flare proof.
- Playing D&D will reduce one's charisma points by 20, and your strength by 15.
- The average D&D player cures their virginity "in-game," 1,000,000 years before they cure their virginity "out-of-game"
- Oscar Wilde discourages the practice of huffing Nerd, which can lead to asthma, diminished sight, acne, and even chronic virginity.
[edit] Social Rituals
A typical session could begin when the Dungeon Master leans out of his bedroom window and blares a bugle. Any nerds within about 2D6 thousand square miles will be attracted to the DM's call and cease whatever they are doing to heed it. The ritual begins with gladiatorial combat to remove the dice from behind the other combatants eyes. Those who collect four D20's, five D6's, Cheetos, and Mountain Dew will be allowed to play. Cheetos and Mountain Dew are distributed and the game truly begins. At some point players may pick a rule and argue about the size penalty of it, and will alway include the statement "That's bullshit, DM! You show me the rule, god dammit. Show me the fucking rule. You look up the rule and show me, I'm going to go for a smoke." This typically continues until the combatants are eaten by a zombie. After the session the DM then goes into hibernation for another week.
[edit] Decline in Goblinoid population since Dungeons & Dragons began to be played
Since 1974, Multiverse-wide goblin populations have been decimated. Many scientists believe that this is the direct result of the excessive goblinoid hunting by Player Characters. In 2004, American documentary film maker Michael Moore began filming an exposé about the mistreatment of these peaceful creatures. Production of "Rolling for Goblinkind" was canceled after the footage was eaten by a shutter-shy bugbear.
[edit] D&D players and extinction
Now, thanks to introduction of MMORPG's onto the unexpecting public, players of D&D have become an endangered species. Found in their habitats of parents' basements and college dorms, the D&D players are in danger of becoming extinct as their habitats are slowly being destroyed in favor of an Alienware with high-speed Internet.
If something is not done soon, we will lose these beautiful creatures forever. Please, help a D&D player "score" today. You won't regret helping save this brilliant species of animal. In recent years this species of animal is on the rise due to the increasing cost of membership to World of Warcraft, but sadly many new animals are struck down to the older, wiser lvl 69 clerics.
[edit] Variables
At least 80% of the stupid people in the world confuse Dungeons and Dragons with Ducts and Dragons. this has produced several conflicts, and has proved financially devastating to the mothers of all the players in question.
Ducts and Dragons is a derivate of the game that consists of entering a ventilation duct in order to get lost. Though we believe the majority of people use a map, it has been scientifically verified that you get lost, so it's best to be in your school's ducts so that you can skip class for a loooooooooooong time.
The basic point of Ducts and Dragons is to fight against all the wonderful kinds of monsters that you may find, such as rats or cockroaches. Now there are many other things you can do IF you survive, and of course this depends on where you are. You know that if it is a college campus there are women's dressing rooms (we won't assume you are a woman because women have something better to play with than this stupid game). But even there you can take the humiliating damage of slipping on a bar of soap and cracking your skull on an open locker... though I don't give a damn.
[edit] Facts about 4th Edition
- Can cause spontaneous ocular hemorrhaging (ideal for donating blood without needles, not so ideal for life expectancy)
- Keep on the Stormhold was bound in the flesh of an archfiend, thats why it smears
- You can get the same enjoyment from playing WoW as 4e because they're almost the same thing and they cost the same amount per month
