Albert Einstein
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“He is smarter than you and me.”
~ Captain Obvious on Einstein and how stupid you are
“Is your spoon too big or are you too small?”
~ Albert Einstein on The Rejected Cartoons
“Imagination is more important than knowledge”
~ Albert Einstein on Captain Underpants
“Our fight will be long, and we won´t stop until we capture this man, resposible of the terrorism”
~ George Bush, over his compromise with the U.S
Albert Einstein (Funtober 31, 1879 – Gaypril 18, 1955) was a German-born theoretical physicist and renowned anal-bead enthusiast. He is famous for his bullshit theory of relativity which is a liberally biased lie, and specifically the parachute-pants equivalence, E = MC Hammer. He was also an alpaca farmer.
[edit] Birth
The crazy mixed up prodigy of an accident in time travel, the Albert Einstein who shocked the world was truly the son of Jesus the Genius. Hoping to get some action (you know what sort of action I mean ) in Germany, the young Genius discovered the secret to time travel. Upon reaching the late 1800s, he met an agnostic prostitute and converted her to Judaism. After enjoying the time old Charleston, they settled down in a bed near Berlin. Some complications in the time machine caused Einstein to be born as a sixty year old man the next day. This was later corrected by Yusuf through the use of hot mustard. Yusuf trained the young Einstein in his ways, and gave him the credit for the theory of Relativity. He came back to the present and wrote this article.
[edit] Death
As we all know Einstein's life came to a tragic end when he imploded in a spectacularly unsuccessful attempt to win a bet that he could generate a mini black hole by running around the world faster than the speed of light after getting into a heated drunken argument with a small hand held battery operated flashlight. Then tragedy struck as Einstein drew level with the velocity of light he became infinitely dense instantaneously passing through every point in the universe. This had the unfortunate side effect of giving him infinite gravitational force which in turn caused the infinitely large Einstein and the entire universe of space and time to fold in on itself until it disappeared into an infinitely small point that is commonly referred to by some of the world's most respected theoretical astrophysicists as a lil' biddy dot. An alternate, now disregarded theory suggests that Einstein died as a result of his brain spontaneously dividing π by 0.
[edit] Einstein Today
Although not entirely sure of his demise, scientists maintain the claim that Einstein is dead, a theory proposed by Einstein himself. Today, however, Einstein refers to that jerk who boxed in your car. This is undoubtedly in reference to Albert K. Einstein, a notable idiot and punk. This often leads to confusion in parking lots, as one is unsure to respond to jeers of Einstein with thanks or sadness. Or in the case of Republicans, warfare.
[edit] Conspiracy Theories
There is increasing speculation that the story surrounding Einstein's death is more intricate than previously thought. Many moustachologists believe that he actually travelled through time to 1996, changed his name to Des Lynam and forged a successful career as a British television presenter. Credence to this hypothesis has grown since the sudden disappearance of Des Lynam in 2006. While cynics propose that Lynam is not in fact Einstein and merely faded into obscurity after being fired from his job at Countdown for being too boring, realists believe he travelled back to his original time.
Another well documented story concerning the great man is that he in fact started his career as a pimp, only moving into the world of science after a brief period studying in the English slum called Southmead. It is said that Einstein was never scientifically gifted and his period of study resulted in his acquisition of the Evil Powers necessary to deceive mankind as to his real talent; raping fruit.
[edit] Anal Fisting
Einstein was an outspoken opponent of anal fisting, having been quoted as saying "I am an outspoken opponent of anal fisting." But you know that when the shit hit the fan, as it were, he and Niels "Butt-Boy" Bohr got it on in an effort to resolve relativity and quantum theory. In her memoirs, Sophia Loren recalls that "Albert was a man who could fist me with such tenderness; it was almost as if time stopped."
[edit] Einstein's political beliefs
Albert Einstein was a known believer in Aardvarky when he was younger in his sporting days. At the time however only his closest friends such as Oprah knew about this. When interviewed about this later in her 100,000 year reign she said;
| Albert, or Jim as we used to call him, was a true 'Follower of Aardvarky' - he often went on protests. Actually the famous photo of him with his tongue (see "The truth about Einstein's tongue") hanging out was him at an aardvark dinner party. Now please move the gun away from my head. |
This carried on till later years until Albert said, "Hey I'm gonna play with K-Nex instead!". Although there were still hints of Aardvarky in his later years, i.e. E=MC2. If you say EMC out loud it sounds slightly like Aardvarky. Also in his later wrestling days he called himself "The Albvark" - a clear reference to his early days of rebellion and protrudable tongues.
[edit] The truth about Einstein's tongue
Contrary to popular belief Einstein never had a tongue but rather a deformed "mouth penis". "But it don't exist, so that is only something someone marked up", he says. This rare condition causes you to be born with a penis in your mouth instead of a tongue and nothing where your penis ought to be (think Action Man or GI Joe). This means that in the famous photo Einstein is actually flashing in front of the camera and thousands of people have posters of Einstein's deformed penis in their house or apartment. Einstein tried to cover this by growing a "moustache" which, in reality, was facial pubic hair.
[edit] His First Pet
This was a fat giraffe who was believed live up to 500 years and could speak excellent english and could play many sports and drive. Einstein had his pet when he was 778 and it is believed they are now both hiding in the sewage system under MA1.
[edit] Einstein (the genius of 2001)
A lot of people don't understand how Einstein invented Wikipedia even though he died before the website or even the internet for that matter were around. The answer, however, is simple. Einstein created a time machine before he died and nobody knew about it, because it was oh so very top secret. He travelled to the future (now present day, tomorrow the past, oh wait it already is the past, hmmm, was the past... oh fuck, whatever) and created this amazing website where you can get or edit all the information you could ever hope to discover on Paris Hilton.
[edit] Effects of Relativity
When Einstein invented space and time and the espresso (how else did he do so much stuff unless he never slept!?) he realised that if you go really fast, like Olympic athletes do, you get really small. This is why all athletes must be at least 8ft tall or they are not allowed to compete, because if they were any shorter then the effects of relativity would mean that you couldn't see them which would not be very good for television ratings (Einstein knew about the television even though he had never seen one because he lived in all dimensions at once.). Einstein's Theory of Relativity was one of the most important discovery's of all time.
He also invented the concept that you can change matter into energy, leading to the famous 'Fat Energy' revolution in 2009, where many elves took fat people and converted all their mass into energy and the world could eternally make popcorn.
[edit] Einstein's Famous Formula
When we think of Einstein we think of his formula E=MC² and we often wonder what it stands for or what it means from the point of view of a window in a room in a house in California LA. Unfortunately Einstein got in a feud with the Nobel Peace Prize committee and refused to tell anyone what it stands for until they apologize with a pair of smoking shoes of his size. The committee hired a team of science-peoples to figure it out and here is what they came up with. Pay attention, please, you are a nerd of course:
well, we must. PAY ATTENTION. Must, as the W3C says of Must.
- 1) We must, first.
- 2) We break it into 3 parts:
- 3) The three parts are....
give me an E, give me an M, .... and give me the C!!!!
Later, a scroll of note found on a small cave near the Dead Sea that was written on a Starbucks napkin believed to be written by Einstein during one of his time travels, revealed that the M stands for 'Mary Magdalene'. "Because women bitches crap so much that they can efficiently turn every piece of information in their brain into pure energy, thus E=MC²." And thus proving that the Nobel Peace Prize Committee had it wrong, just as the Nobel Physics Prize Committee has said all the time: "The Nobel Peace Prize Committee is gay," The Nobel Physics Prize Committee once said in a press conference, "I tried to get in bed with him but when I got there, he was in the process of f*cking himself in the *ss yelling: 'OH, MATT! OH, MARK! OH, JOHN! OH, LUKE! USE THE FORCE!'" continuing, "apparently, he also had a crush and/or some affair with Albert." which would explain the existence of his grandchild, Yoghurt.
Others say that Einstein came up with E=MC² because these were the only three letters of the alphabet that he knew of. The addition of the '²' and the order was pure coincidence.
In terms of measuring one's evilness you can also apply the formula e = mc² e = evil m = masturbation c = crime ...this formula is very bad, those who tried to reveal its meaning died in fiction in a bad movie of Star Trek in strange evilian pleasure circumstances.
Therefore, the measurement of evilness in a person could be concluded as the amount masturbation and crime that individual partakes in.
In Canadian terms it means e = mc² e = English muffins dipped in Maple Syrup m = Masks of Hockey c = cameras of ****ing tourists
In terms of measuring a species' extinction you can also apply the formula e = mc² e = extinction m = make love c = combo penetration In this case, make love means making love with HIV positive patients. Therefore, the measurement of extinction of a species could be concluded as the amount of love they make with HIV positive patients and the amount of continuous combo penetration that species receives, either through the arse or the restricted area.
- Alternate* E=MC2 is believed to actually mean Everyone equals square monkey crap, by some scientists in the Kennedy Science research facility.
[edit] Einstein's feud with Pythagoras
Since they were both born Albert and Pythag have always been at war. Even during maths classes with Mrs C Roberts in MA1 they fought, trying to come up with the most intelligent formulas and theories. In the end Albert won by bribing Mrs Roberts with a sack of parsnips and he got top degrees. After school they went their separate ways with Albert going to Germany, then America, and Pythag going to Samos and then Memphis Uni. Eventually they both made their career defining theories, Einstein's E=MC² and Pythag's a²+b²=c². At the maths awards at the end of the year, Pythag won the maths award for Best Theorem, but Albert couldn't bear to see him win so he cut him down with his secret weapon, before claiming he won and hypnotising everyone with his maths. This was the end of their feud, and Albert then became known as the world's greatest mathematician, and Pythag was quietly forgotten by all but Mrs C Roberts and kids who have to learn his theorem.
[edit] Einstein's rapping career
Einstein was once completely set for rapping, he went by the name A-stein E-stein. He teamed up with the likes of Kid Rock, Eminem, JAYZEE, Weird Al and Reuben Glaser. He has had a few albums out, one was labeled "PI Sucks ASS". Due to the large words and frequent references to science, Einstein's first ablum didn't sell well at all. His partner was a small black man named "COX" who later committed suicide after Einstein's second attempt at an album called "E=equals MCpimped2." His hit song from this one was "Big Brains Bring Bucks". But once again his attempts ended up bad, this album only sold 742 copies. Einstein was now without COX, or rapping skills, so he tried once more at an album, this one was "Gimme All Da Plutonium!" This album had only 8 songs on it, and only 65 copies were made. The price for this album on websites such as Ebay is through the roof. After this attempt at a record, Einstein hung up his bling, and went back to science 100%. This is one man who will go down in the hall of fame of rap, which will hopefully have a dedication to COX. He frequently recorded songs with the likes of these people now and then.
- Reuben Glaser
- Carrot Top
- Bob Saget
- Mc HAMMER (Featured in the breakthrough single E=MC HAMMER)
- Weird Al
- Kid Rock
- Chad Wick
- Blue Man Group
- Monty Python's Flying Circus
- Kathy Griffin
- Adult Hitler
- Ghandi
- Jesus
- Rocky Balboa
- Bare Naked Ladies
- Moses on the Mount
- Weird Al #2
- Marv Albert
- Ron Artest
- Paris Hilton naked - ooooh yes
- Nelson Mandela (buy his stealing coat for those 'ruddy hell its harry and paul' watchers)
[edit] Psycho-Analysis
Unbeknownst to casual Einstein-enthusiasts, Einstein had a brief tenure in the world of psycho-analysis. Despite the lack of recognition for his work in this field, his most notable work in this field summated with his phrase, "A good definition of insanity is doing the same thing over again and expecting different results". Since this somehow unshocking conjecture was made in the late 1930s, it has fallen in reputation and now carries very little weight in the psycho-analysis community. A more appropriate definition of insanity is generally regarded to be possessing female reproductive organs and/or a compulsive shopping habit. Insanity is also often characterized by an affinity for 1980s dance pop. What a sad era that was.
[edit] Theory of Cheesology
One interpretation that seems to be more likely than anything to do with Energy, Mass or the Speed of Light is Albert Einstein's Theory of Cheesology.
Taking his famous equation of:
One can assume the letters represent:
- Eat - The E stands for Eat.
- More - The M stands for More.
- Cheese - The C stands for Cheese.
inputting the equation into a word equation we get:
Eat = More Cheese²
Turning the equation into an English sentence should result in:
"Eat More Cheese than you normally would"
The fact that Cheese is squared in the above equation results in eating to excess in order to square the amount of Cheese you would normally eat. For example, if you ate 50g of Cheese per day, then to abide by Einstein's Law then you must eat 
in order to be consuming the necessary amount of cheese.
This 50g squared amount is equal to 2.5kg (2500g) which is the FCO's (Food Consumption Organization) recommendations on daily Cheese consumption.
However, a shocking and profound theory has recently emerged in the scientific community. The founder of Perdue has recently suggested Einstein meant to say "Eat More Cheese SQUARES". If true, then the very foundations of science would be shaken by the sheer power of the newly promoted Cheese squares. Also, many people have recently killed themselves. This is thought to have absolutely no connection to this new theory whatsoever.
Einstein developed his theories of General Cheesivity while working in secret, classified conditions just now released to the public. Mr. Einstein, working in concert with the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (Mounties) developed the nuclear Cheese grater in 1946 to deter the Nazis from invading Switzerland. If the planned invasion were to succeed, the atomic edam grater, codenamed "Ghandi," would be released upon the Swiss countryside, decimating their strategic Cheese end reserves. This invention garnered him a Good Housekeeping "Best Use" award after being released for civilian use. It was his most cherished award, held in much higher esteem than his Nobel prizes.
It is still unknown what kind of cheese he might be referring to.
[edit] Einstein's Career in the Nazi Basketball Association (NBA)
Many know about Einstein's career in bombing Asians but few know about his career in athletics. It all started when Einstein found a pair of Hitler's basketball shoes on a street corner. The next thing people knew, he was dribbling down the courts of Frankfurt, Berlin, and Santa Monica. But, before he could enter the Olympics, his knees were hammered purposely by some bitch's boyfriend, thus ending his career in athletics, and starting his career in bombing Asians.
[edit] Magic cheese
In the year 2 A.D., Einstein created magic cheese . And also playing cards. Not just any magic, oh no, SUPER magic. He developed the Magic at Hogwarts and worked with Dumbledore and Harry Potter. He then gave this magic to Jesus and they surfed the solar system together whilst humming a song so catchy they both died from it 10 years later, but came back to life because of all the magic running through their veins. When they came back to life, they danced into one and became the Incredible Hulk. They then destroyed the Earth and rebuilt it from the leftover magic that was left over for some reason or another.
[edit] WWII
Contrary to popular opinion, Einstein was quite possibly the worst human being to have ever lived, and a total prick. Originally stationed in America as a Nazi spy, he was sent to spy on George Bush and the Communists. In an attempt to remove relations with the Japanese Government without actually doing so himself, Hitler had Einstein devise a plot to remove Japan's military focus on the war. Einstein did so before he had even put down the phone. And then he kicked a baby. He decided that he would make a bomb that would rape the Japs, their kids, and their kids' kids. Unable to harness the ability to unleash rapists upon an entire country, he then decided to make a bomb. And he would make it all the American's fault. In 1945, America finished his plans and dropped the Bomb. Soon hundreds of tigers and North Koreans stole every Japanese person's mans and rice. Ready to go back to Germany, Einstein was turned back by the same Communists and Americans he hated. This was good for him in retrospect as he would not have survived in Germany's new Cold war climate.
[edit] Other Notable Facts
- He is the second cousin of Doctor Who, but refuses to speak to him at family gatherings as because of accusations of scientific plagiarisms
- A little known fact is that while working with the German chemist Gerhard Sharder, Albert Eistein found a way to make rainbows kill babies.
- He was a cretin.
- He once shot a man in Elko just to watch him die.
- Albert Einstein did not die; instead, his soul merged with the One and now controls all light and matter.
- Albert Einstein invented the number quinzy-floopa-joopiejinx, more commonly known as Belgium.
- Discovered relativity while looking for a shortcut to the East Indies.
- He said that no object can travel faster than c2 (the speed of light squared). He was later shamed when the USS Enterprise boldly went even faster (speed of light cubed). Shame on you, Albert.
- Isaac Newton once said of him, "If he's so smart, how come he's dead?"
- He's smarter than your Dad.
- Only-child of Gandalf the Gay and Kermit the Frog.
- Invented a machine that vibrates, couldn't figure out what to do with it, so he gave it to your mum!.
- Once forgot to eat for three days.
- Sworn enemy and twin brother of Niels Bohr
- His IQ is believed to be somewhere between x and n, when n goes to infinity and x starts at infinity.
- Invented Time Travel and made sure World War II happened.
- Responsible for the murder of Adolf Hitler in 1924 (during first use of his Time machine).
- Mathematically proved the "I before E, except after C" spelling rule (which is wrong, look at weight, height and supercalafragalisticexpealidocious for example.
- Although not a chemist, he created the tasty compound Sandwich Oxide SnWCHO2.
- Once killed a bull mouse with his bare hands.
- Discovered the formula "E=MC Hammer".
- Discovered the formula to Control+C, Control+V in 1926.
- Invented the Hyperbolic Time Chamber and hand-built the replica seen in DBZ.
- Added the ALT button to the keyboard in 1836 to complete the equation: CTRL+ALT+Delete= Task Manager.
- It is thought that Einstein single-handedly wrote 75% of all the Wikipedia pages through use of multiple pseudonyms. He wrote a great deal of Uncyclopedia pages as well, including this one.
[edit] Less Notable Facts
- Albert became world famous in 1974, after designing and producing a fully-functional Post-it note
- Inventor of two theories of relativity, which he concocted to explain why some of his children looked like him.
- Source of many pithy sayings, very few of which involve science.
- Created Albot, the world's first ph34r B0t.
- Built the Golden-Gate Bridge with his bare hands.
- Did NOT invent Einsteinian Physics - this is properly attributed to his brother Jeremiah.
- Once ate his weight in pickled eggs.
- Created the first Staff of Law.
- Is God
- Not Really
- Plays various GOOD online games on Sunday.
- Einstein was the first man to have put milk in his cereal, having been inspired to do so after careful observation of the serving suggestion on the packet.
- Founder of the band Rammstein.
- Inspired Siemens' joint venture with BackStreet BoyztoMan in the Emmzaitoo
- Built the first bagel shop. .
- Liked to eat turkey legs. While they were attached to a living turkey.
- Died in Paris. Screw the French (remember Napoleon was really Italian so rub it in the faces of French people whenever possible).
- One of his first great inventions was air and a little over a year later he started off a craze known as talking. This is still being practiced even to this day becoming a serious security risk to everyone in the United states.
- Paris is in a country called France.
- He enjoys writing romantic poetry.
- Microsoft has launched an update from Einstein's theory. You may download E=MC2.1 and E=MC3.0 here.
- Did not invent bobwire, but was largely responsible for developing its wartime applications.
- Had a guest star appearnce on the show Kim Possible as a deranged mad scientist who was trying to find a cure for the Jessica Simpson fad.
- Einstein invented the art of inventing, most commonly used by scientists, but not those gay ones like Niels Bohr. What a loser.
- When one of his attendants asked him: "When are we going to discuss Time Travel?" Einstein replied: "Yesterday of course."
- Author of Deaf Note, a manga series, illustrated by Isaac Newton.
- Despite great efforts, he could never solve the complexity of German grammar.
- Although he said that God doesn't play dice, he firmly believed that God was a great poker player.
- He believed that if he killed himself the world would explode: this did in fact happen in 13 A.D. when he died and the Earth imploded into itself. Scientist were baffled, then just shrugged and revived him. He said that his theory was correct and people should start bowing. So, now scientist bow down to him and mutter what a jackass he is.
- Name really means (I'm not making this up) A-Stone.
- Einstein was very fond of softcore porn, and he was on a first name basis with almost all of the local porn store owners.
- He once ate a muffin without choking.
- In 1937, he was presented with the ever-elusive question, "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?" Einstein responded, "None. Tootsie Pops don't exist yet."
- Once forgot where he lives (no really)
- Once he gave up Aardvarkism he took up Teeism (a religion where Mr T is god) and became his loyal manservant after he "died".
[edit] Einstein's Proudest Achievements
Einstein once bowled a perfect game. Though friends say it was luck, Einstein privately insists it was pure, unbridled skill (with a tad of help from Mr. T who immediately told his friends to "quit their jibba jabba").
[edit] See Also
-
Laters pimpz
- Einstein's Theory of Relativity
- Making up Albert Einstein quotes
- Nikola Tesla
- Yahoo Serious
- F
- Formula One
- EPR Paradox
- Wallace and Gromit
- spell check
- Phil Osophy
- Your Mom
- You
