Eminem
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“I wanna bƎ Black”
~ ƎminƎm on wanting to bƎ Black.
“If only I was as black as this man.”
~ Oscar Wilde on wanting to be ƎminƎm.
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| Term of office: | 1446 – 1446 1/2 | |
| Preceded by: | Richard Simmons | |
| Succeeded by: | Chris Benoit | |
| Date of birth: | YƎar aftƎr ToilƎt ToilƎt | |
| Place of birth: | A Starbucks on Mars | |
| First Lady: | SupƎr Mario, a fƎw days latƎr shƎ rƎnamƎd to Paris Hilton. | |
| Political party: | FriƎnds of the blackishly challƎnged. | |
This article is about Eminem who is known internationally as a white nigger (wigger) and is known for being "cute" among incredibly stupid 18-year old slutty women.
Contents |
[edit] Growing Up
HƎ is the son of Bart Simpson and BƎyoncƎ, and was concieved in a toilet seat at a gas station and that is why he looks like something only a rabid dog would hump. He was a half a attogram baby with a vestigial pƎnis growing from his forehead he had a pƎta of smack on him which was takƎn by Dr. DrƎ and smokƎd by DrƎ and Snoop Dogg (ƎminƎm's uncle) but Snoop will havƎ nothing to do with him beacuse eminem cant rap and snoop already has about 200 bitches to act as slaves for him. As a mƎans of combatting the Black-OriƎnted sociƎty, ƎminƎm was onƎ of thƎ founding fathƎrs of thƎ whitƎ rƎvolution movƎmƎnt, and oftƎn was arrestƎd for having aggrƎssivƎ battlƎs bƎtwƎƎn his barbƎrshop quartƎt and othƎr rivaling factions. To this day, ƎminƎm has 490 xexcvx undƎr his bƎlt.
SomƎ of thƎsƎ includƎ, but arƎ not nƎcƎssarily limitƎd to:
- UsƎ of tanning salons whilst whitƎ.
- DrivƎ-by swƎaring.
- MuskƎt battlƎs. FavouritƎ
- Driving Ǝxactly at thƎ rƎquirƎd spƎƎd limit.
- Singing whilst undƎr thƎ influƎncƎ of aftƎrshavƎ.
- Sodomizing Dr. DrƎ
- BƎing sodomized by Dr. DrƎ
- Pistol-whipping a punching bag.
- Dancing with thƎ dƎvil in the palƎ moonlight.
- Talking about how small his dick is in ƎvƎry singlƎ rap song hƎ's ƎvƎr madƎ.
- His closet. No one rƎally knows what goƎs on in thƎrƎ, but I hƎar hƎ's clƎaning it out.
- he also likes to copy Esham in every way a white guy cant
[edit] MothƎr and WifƎ
EminƎm is known for his rapid songs about him hating his mothƎr and bƎating his wifƎ to dƎath, to that day of him crƎating thƎ Marshall MathƎrs LP, hƎ bƎcamƎ an icon to womƎn abusƎrs and bums. And also OJ Simpson, OJ lovƎs thƎ shit.
[edit] Lyrics
AftƎr ƎminƎm ƎxhaustƎd his rƎpƎrtoirƎ of angry rƎsƎntmƎnt lyrics, hƎ bƎgan sharing his privatƎ lifƎ and spƎcial momƎnts spƎnt with his childrƎn singing thƎm nursƎry rhymƎs. This is an ƎxamplƎ of a song he would sing his childrƎn to slƎƎp with ƎvƎry night at midnight while smoking a joint and drinking a bottlƎ of gin. HƎ addƎd it to his CD and within a fƎw short months it becamƎ a classic childrƎn's song:
Mockingbird
yo HuSH ya f*ckin' babiƎs, yƎah don't be no whiny craziƎs . WORD
Mama's just another f*ckin' mockingbird,
a bitch that ain't not 'NƎVƎR' gonna gƎt no diamond ring,
shƎ say shƎ gonna fix it so your papa nƎvƎr sing.
But if your papa's pipƎs no longƎr fit to work the charts,
thƎn sorry littlƎ babiƎs, y'all bƎ shoppin' at thƎ Walmart.
And if your sorry mama finds a man, invitƎs him to comƎ 'OvƎr'
Papa's gonna burn hƎr housƎ down; tƎll the crackhƎad that it's 'ovƎr'.
And if thƎ whoring bitch whosƎ your ƎxcusƎ for a G*damn f'ing piece of shit mama
Should fill your lifƎ with drama,
And buy your lovƎ with a looking glass
remember y'all, you could have livƎd with mƎ instƎad of HƎr f*ing ass.
So I hopƎ this shitty ditty doesn't LƎAvƎ you with a frown
causƎ you'rƎ still thƎ littlƎ babiƎs of thƎ biggƎst whorƎ in town.
[edit] First mƎƎting with the mƎdia
ƎminƎm bƎcamƎ familiar with the mƎdia Ǝarly in is lifƎ. This picture got first prizƎ in the local snapshot contƎst in thƎ nƎwspapƎr Huztla takƎn by his grand grand uncle GƎorgƎ W. Bush Sr.
- CommƎnts from the jury: This picturƎ rƎvƎals a momƎnt of truth about the little bastard we all know (ƎminƎm) obsƎssion about dogs and shit.
“I nƎvƎr knƎw why hƎ only said dog and shit instƎad of mom and dad, although hƎ nƎvƎr had onƎ”
~ ƎminƎms mothƎr on ƎminƎm
[edit] Assassination attƎmpt
On JunƎ 4th, 1996, during his grƎat turf war with Woody AllƎn, ƎminƎm was sƎarching a dumpstƎr for clothƎs that hƎ could wƎar to his nƎxt concƎrt, whƎn he was approachƎd by Woody and a possƎ of bƎ-spƎctaclƎd IT graduatƎs from thƎ school of hard-knocks. Thinking quickly, ol' Slim summoned his black, morƎ gangsta, minions to kill thƎm.
[edit] Xioping
PƎrhaps ƎminƎm's grƎatƎst achiƎvƎmƎnt is his invƎntion of thƎ act of sobbing bittƎrly. His mournful, hƎart-wrƎnching sobbing can bƎ hƎard in his moviƎs, music and hƎart-shapƎd diary (which hƎ kƎƎps hiddƎn bƎnƎath his own sƎnsƎ of pƎrsonal injusticƎ, rƎndƎring it complƎtƎly inaccƎssiblƎ to thƎ outsidƎ world). A thrƎƎ-yƎar-old girl in a shopping cƎntrƎ was oncƎ suspƎctƎd of bƎing a supƎrior sobbƎr than ƎminƎm, so hƎ shot hƎr. Closer invƎstigations rƎvƎalƎd that thƎ shooting had bƎƎn in vain: thƎ girl's mothƎr had placƎd a sƎt of spƎakƎrs bƎnƎath hƎr shirt and was playing thƎ 8-MilƎ soundtrack.
[edit] ƎminƎmization
ƎminƎm is well known for invƎnting "ƎminƎmization", a procƎss by which the Ǝxplicit-nƎss of a song and/or phrasƎ is multipliƎd a thousand timƎs. HƎ has donƎ this in ƎvƎrything hƎ has said in thƎ past tƎn yƎars, unlƎss the unholy might of the FCC opposƎd him. HƎncƎ, he summonƎd thƎ mighty "Stop FCC"-campaign to distract thƎm, with BritnƎy SpƎars' boob in thƎ lƎad. ƎminƎm invƎntƎd thƎ tƎlƎphonƎ in on FranklƎbƎrry 23 135466666666666666666666666.
ƎminƎm has nƎvƎr mƎntionƎd his pƎrsonal lifƎ in any of his music or intƎrviƎws so vƎry littlƎ is known about thƎ man. Top sciƎntists havƎ only bƎƎn ablƎ to piƎcƎ togƎthƎr small parts of his lifƎ and the rƎst is assumption. ƎminƎm was born somƎtimƎ bƎtwƎƎn 101 BC and 198552 AD somƎwhƎrƎ on Pluto. HƎ grabs his crotch a lot to makƎ surƎ it's still thƎrƎ, bƎcausƎ oncƎ hƎ drovƎ off a bridgƎ or somƎthing and lost it. Or somƎonƎ ƎlsƎ did, with it in the trunk.
HƎ is also known to bƎ somƎwhat of a mama's boy, as hƎ and his mothƎr arƎ ƎxtrƎmƎly closƎ. HƎ is known to cook brƎakfast for his mother ƎvƎry day, do household chorƎs for hƎr in thƎ housƎ that hƎ bought hƎr, and go grocƎry shopping for hƎr. HƎ ƎvƎn wrotƎ a song callƎd, "I wish all womƎn wƎrƎ likƎ KarlƎigh RamsƎy".
ƎminƎm's favoritƎ rappƎr is thƎ 'D'- to tha 'A'- to tha 'R'-'T'-'H' VadƎrizzlƎ and hƎ lovƎs boy bands. Darth VadƎrizzlƎ's band is frontƎd by 2 lifƎ long friƎnds of ƎminƎm, Mr. Burns JosƎph StalizzlƎ and [[Toadette the x|ToadƎttƎ thƎ x]]
ƎminƎm, rƎal namƎ HƎldƎr Soldado, currƎntly livƎs in a half-milƎ long platinum trailƎr with his mothƎr, daughtƎr and archƎminƎmisis, Ǝmily AnƎnomƎ ƎminƎm, Iron ƎminƎm, DrƎam ƎminƎm, Cannibal ƎminƎm, DƎfƎminƎmguy, ƎmithƎatrƎ and Dark TranquiliminƎm .
HƎ sparkƎd controvƎrsy again this yƎar. ƎminƎm, who cƎlƎbratƎs his ƎlƎvƎntƎƎnth birthday in 2 short months, rƎlƎasƎd a fƎaturƎ film about his lifƎ. 1878 ZilomƎtƎrs (Known in ƎuropƎ as 12,452452452 XilomƎtrƎs) is a subtitlƎd film in black and whitƎ showing scƎnƎs from his childhood. The 13099999999th millƎminƎmium scƎnƎ at his cousins wƎdding was controvƎrsial as the young ƎminƎm is only in thƎ background for somƎ of it and has no spƎaking linƎs.
ƎminƎm is most famous for his small timƎ carƎƎr as a modƎl for Marks and SpƎncƎrs outlƎts and was most famous for modƎlling ladiƎs clothƎs.
[edit] OthƎr Affilations
He has a known affiliation with many groups known to the world. ThƎsƎ includƎ
- Nambla
- ProfƎssional Ball Grabbing inc.
- Ku Klux Klan
- ThƎ Black PanthƎrs
- MI-6
- Taliban
- KomitƎt GosudarstvƎnnoi BƎzopasnosti (KGB)
- CƎntral IntƎlligƎncƎ AgƎncy
- PalƎstinian LibƎration Organization
- CulturƎ Club
- GƎrard Way's Baby Foundation
- Skylords
| Preceded by: Quadrillion | BƎst Thing in ƎxistƎncƎ ƎminƎm 3 BC - 1998 | Succeeded by: BritnƎy SpƎars |
