ESP

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“O foul and unhallowed Slaad princes, I pledge to thee my heart; O, that I might serve thee unto death... Nay! unto the deaths of the stars which lie in the firmament, forever subject to thy repulsive majesty! ”

~ Oscar Wilde on ESP

The Progression of ESP

ESP is a little-known acronym for Extraterrestrial Solpugid Parasite, a debilitating medical condition. Only individuals with developed psychic powers have any potential of attracting and becoming the host for an extraterrestrial solpugid larva. Infestation is painless, but deadly. When the solpugids infest one's brain, one's soul is lost forever.

[edit] Infection

Extraterrestrial Solpugids are native to the astral plane, but reproduce in varied locations throughout the prime material plane. The repeated use of psychic powers draws the attention of the solpugids, especially if these psychic powers are used to contact or summon evil entities via the bible. Once an adult solpugid has chosen an appropriate host, it enters the victim's mind through dreams, sexual fantasies, and movies starring Ronald Reagan. The solpugid then lays a single egg in the psionic lobe of the victim's brain.

[edit] Primary Stage

Once the egg hatches, a larva emerges and establishes a network of roots throughout the psionic lobe and neighboring regions. The larva then feeds on brain juices, memories, alcohol, and cocaine.

[edit] Secondary Stage

When the larva has fed enough, it enters the pupal phase and begins to attend primary school. As it grows, the root network expands to consume the psionic lobe and spreads throughout the interior of the brain. During this time, the pupa begins to feed strictly on alcohol and cocaine in order to foster further growth.

[edit] Tertiary Stage

As the pupa grows, its expanding body places increasing pressure on its host's skull. When it reaches adulthood, the host's skull neatly splits in two and the solpugid emerges from the top, effectively preserving the host's life. After emerging from the skull, the creature is extremely vulnerable. It must avoid sunlight until its exoskeleton dries and hardens, or ultraviolet rays will nullify its psychic potential. When the solpugid enters adulthood, it gains absolute control over every center of the brain and feeds upon whatever psychic energy the victim attempts to use. When the host's brain is consumed, its soul eventually forced into Hell and is replaced by the solpugid's.

[edit] Symptoms

Symptoms of extraterrestrial solpugid infestation include alcoholism, addiction to cocaine, irrational behavior, slurred speech, difficulty learning, inability to concentrate, and maniacal urges to conquer the world and slay its inhabitants in the names of the Slaad princes. Victims will also develop a strong affinity (if not a sexual attraction) for particular religious or inspirational figures relative to the individual.

[edit] Treatment

In a majority of cases, there is no hope for recovery. However, depending on one's religious beliefs or attitudes concerning the inevitable destruction of our mortal bodies and what happens thereafter, one may indeed experience some semblance of "recovery," albeit, not on this Earth. For practical purposes and for the sake of humanity's well-being, Solpugid hosts must be made to submit to a lobotomy which will incapacitate both the host and the parasite. Alternatively, one could suck on a shotgun and blow one's goddamn' brains out like the bastard love child of Ernest Hemingway and Hunter S. Thompson

ESP controls your computer.