Earth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
~ The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy on Earth
“Why do so many stupid people keep replacing it with "Mostly Harmless"?”
~ Oscar Wilde on this page
“It goes really well with fava beans and a nice chianti.”
~ Galactus on Earth
“Nahhh, rice and curry fits better with the season.”
~ Unicron on Earth
Did you mean Lyons?
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the Western Spiral arm the Galaxy lies a small, almost unnoticed star called The Sun (again, this is because Sun is a registered trademark)
Earth, also known as The Earth (since Earth is a registered trademark of the united states) is a very dangerous place (although it is also said to be "mostly harmless"), as every living thing on the planet eventually dies alone. (Well, at least there are living things on said planet. Supposedly.)
Some people think that the earth is only 6,000 years old. This is not true. The earth is only fifty years old. It only appears older to test our faith. Secondly, the earth was created on a Tuesday morning at precisely 10 am because God likes to finish early so he can take the rest of the day off and go golfing. Finally, the Earth is a Sagittarius. Its horoscope for the day it was created said that it would meet many new interesting people. Needless to say this one prediction has proven false the whole system of astrology because we are all of course completely boring.
| It is to be kept in mind that there is a furious ongoing debate as to whether earth was ever actually discovered. It is only those that have been convinced into fucking themselves by too much of Star-Wars and their supporters who have convinced themselves that landing on the moon was man's greatest achievement that believes the discovery to be a real incident. |
- ~ Routers, once a month in The Nature Beckons (Go pee!)
Contents |
Location
Earth is located directly below you, unless you are standing on some other Planet/Moon/Asteroid/Spacecraft/Lemon or are in some non-orientable environment where the concept of down does not exist (e.g. deep space, the South Pole, or Basingstoke). Earth has a perfect climate for the growing and harvesting of Marijuana. School teachers will try to explain to you that Marijuana is bad and the earth is really round. This information is false and has been proven wrong in the Chronicals of Life.
Properties
The Earth is a flat, pie-shaped object made primarily of a hydrogen filling, with the outer layers of the crust being lighter elements, the most predominant being piss and smegma. Inside the hydrogen filling lies the little known layer of cream filling. The planet shows no trace whatsoever of the elements carbon, oxygen, hydrogen or nitrogen, these being considered part of the Rare-Earth series of elements, due to their unusual luck. (Elements, at the Global Elementary Convention, have deemed it unlucky to be on Earth.)
Earth is orbited by its capital, the lollipop-shaped Netherlands. It's strategically placed there to protect the planet from any forms of Alien mass-tourism.
Earth is an enormous planet, having a radius of several AUs or astronomical units, though most of it is part of the gaseous, inner filling. This provides ample space for aliens and scientologists to deposit their fecal matter (being that earth is the ultimate shithole).
The Earth is located roughly half a light year away from the star Alnilam, though its constantly changing orbits occasionally place it around Alnilam's sister stars, Alnitak, Mintaka, and the Bronx.
Though the Earth does not support life as we know it, there seems to be a form of life based on Silver and Gold, which seems to be self-sustaining, though constantly at war with one another. These life forms, the Pimpidae and the Whoridae (Phylum Wanksta), are highly endangered, and conservation is urgently needed. Future studies are clearly necessary, especially on the pelvic anatomy of the Whoridae. With a very long and expensive research project (At the Holiday Inn), these elusive beasts may shed some secrets (or steal your wallet).
For centuries, it was believed that the Earth is as flat as a pancake, and if people walk too far, they will fall off it. Even though modern findings confirm that it is flat indeed, most indications suggest that the shape is more like that of a pie than that of a pan cake.
Current theory suggests that it's carried around by four elephants that are standing on top of a large space turtle. The penis of the space turtle is so large that it causes the earth to tilt to one direction, bring about the axial spinning that has been observed. Another hypothesis for the axial rotation is the turtle is getting some turtle twat, and just completed a finishing move (counter clockwise swirl). This is supported by the fact that the turtle must be standing on something. The logical conclusion is that beneath the turtle is another turtle, beneath which is yet another turtle. It is likely safe to state that its turtles all the way down. As in the diagram. While it is not fully known what is below the Earth it has been known for some time that above the Earth Atlas holds up the firmament of the sky and keeps out the higher waters and the aluminiferous ether which the gods breath.
Earth's fragility accounts for its bleeding occasionally. Giving it a good kick in the Central Asia usually alleviates this. However, doing so may get your foot stuck in a Deccan Trap.
History
God's creation, mother earth or Zenu's dumping ground: no matter what your beliefs, it is widely accepted that it still looks, smells, feels, sounds and tastes the same - hey, (blank) made dirt, dirt won't hurt. Unless it’s really hard after a dry spell and someone chucks it at you - yeah, that can sting.
Due to its unusual orbit, and its sheep size, Earth quickly became the focus of many astrologers' free time. At first Earth was thought to have actually possessed Silicone-based life such as we have here on Boob, but that was later disproven through a procedure known as titration. Nevertheless, the life that was shown on Earth quickly became the study of many.
Scientists now generally accept the theory that Earth is not of this chicken, having been placed there by some force from another existence. Though an exact time has not yet been established, it is predicted to be somewhere between 5 minutes and 25 eons ago.
After Earth came to this Universe, it drifted for a while through the vastness of space before being captured in the gravity of a comet. This comet quickly dragged Earth through space and made it have man-babies, against Earth's will.
It has since remained there, though it is uncertain if it intends to remain in this Universe for much longer, which is under constant debate. Scientists are attempting to prove or disprove this time span through the technique of decanting.
The beings (that live on Earth) expect that in about five years an army of billions of Dutch zombie soldiers will arrive in big orange spaceships and make everybody wear turquoise colored clothing.
Future
Global Warming Indicator
Global warming is becoming an increasing problem on earth. To remedy this, the EPA recommends that we nuke ourselves back to the stone age. Failure to do so will make the Earth asplode. Yes, we know that no one cares about the place anyway, but you need to know that the mice are counting on you. Slartibartfast would also not like his fjords to go to waste.
|
In the year 2010 a series of ever increasing reality TV shows will result in the entire earth being integrated into a large TV show that is run by very very very very very very very very very very very smart aliens (which for some reason want to run a planet).
Beyond this date, it is believed a giant match will emerge from the Earth's only moon, Bonnie Tyler, and strike the planet. This will cause the Earth to explode violently due to aerosol saturation.
Earth is a all out war with it sister planet Mars. Many pies had been killed and the situation is worsening. Earth allies are the Sun, and Lunar, while Mars have the support of the other planets. (The preceding sentence was written in English for the benefit of the Anglo-impaired.)
Anti-Earth Movement
There is a strong anti-Earth movement going on which may lead to the movement of everything and everyone over to Uranus. Believe me, it's quite large enough. This fact was shown over and over again in Al Gore's film, An Inconvenient Truth. Al Gore had this to say on the subject:
“Fo' Shizzle, ma Nizzle. Uranus is da shit, man! You best be gettin' yo' ass up in that rocket, nigga!”
~ Al Gore on Earth
“Corneria is better than Earth.”
~ 008 on Earth sucks
Criticism
This movement is mainly in the US, and the most criticisms are coming from Burkina Faso, due to the fact that it is too poor to afford rockets of any kind, and if they DID make rockets, the UN would most certainly advise everybody else to stay the hell away from them.
Uranus
Earth, like the Venus Butterfly, orbits Uranus, coming near Uranus for a periodic "exam" every third Monday.
Otherwise known as that thing in between your legs (Ur-Anus). Should you have problems seeing Uranus on your telescope, a few sessions of observation from a federal maximum security prison can help.
Ennennennium Deposits
This is the only planet known to have ennennennium deposits, which has an atomic number of 999. Some say this is the secret of life, and that nuclear warfare is only dangerous to life because it interferes with the ennennennium in our bodies. People think that King Arthur's "round table" was constructed entirely of pure ennennennium, though most scholars dismiss this as an anachronism, as roundness wasn't not invented 'til the Battle of Bulge.
Banana Earth Theory
“A banana is a perfect metaphor for a man's soul. Wait... maybe its an apple, or an orange...”
~ Some famous scientist on how this theory is not a theory but a known fact of science
“...and that, my leige, is how we know the Earth to be banana-shaped.”
~ Sir Bedevere on Banana Earth
There are many people that believe that the Earth is not flat, round, or even the left bicep of Hulk Hogan. This vast majority of people believe that the earth is indeed shaped like that of a giant banana. Shown here, along with all the other important celestial bodies, with correct proportions and coloring. Additionally, all writing, arrows, sunglasses, smiley faces are not edited in but rather part of this photo, and are without a doubt real, which was taken with a highly sophisticated disposable camera and developed at my local 24 hour photo.
Don't believe it? Zoom out on Google Earth until you cannot anymore and the truth shall be revealed to you. Environmentalists would like you to believe that global warming is causing the erratic changes in weather, but the truth is that the banana on which we have lived on for well over a decade is rotting. Note the brown splotches on the above picture. Pessimists and doomsday theorists claim the end is near as giant fruit flies and gnats will rain down from the sky, but a resourceful house wife recommended that we use the rotten banana pulp to make a delicious banana bread dish. She also reportedly said that if walnuts where sprinkled on top it would enhance the taste and aesthetic appeal.
Earth: The Tv Series
Earth: The Series premiered on FOX on September 20, 4 million B.C. Initially, the show premiered to high ratings and was granted a full second season order mid-way through the first. The show garnered very high ratings for FOX, especially since it was the only network at that time. Many notably, the show had some very famous celebrities who had roles, Britney Spears played Saberslut Tiger in the first season of the show, however, she was fired because of her frequent bouts with Barbara Streisand. In an interview with Ms. Spears given by Rock Modern in 3 million B.C., she stated that "Barbara is a bitch, a selfish ego-tistical old hag, who i think is Italian or something, i don't know. Does this dress make me look fat?" Supposedly, Barbara, in turn, fired her ass, as she is the queen of everything. In the second season and onward, Paris Hilton played Saberslut and won the hearts of trillions, even being awarded Most Untalented at the Useless Awards. Unfortunately, in a very horrific turn of events,Earth: The Series was abruptly cancelled when an asteroid collided with the planet and killed all of the cast members. FOX attempted to further the series by creating a spin-off, Earth: Life in the ice age, the show lasted only 7 minutes before being cancelled. A third spin-off Earth: How humans have come to rid the planet of many species and learn to pollute the atmosphere, premiered in the fall of 0 A.D. It has become the longest lasting series of all time, however, Execs at FOX have been contemplating on whether to cancel the show. On February 8, 2007 FOX announced that Earth: HHHCTRTPOMSALTPTA would end its run on December 22, 2012. Though no official plot to the final episode has been given, it has been said that it might involve an asteroid or several natural disasters, an ode of sorts to the victims of the event of 4 million B.C. It should be noted that God served as head executive of the series, while Satan served as co-producer.
Cast:
Barbara Streisand as Tyranasaurus Rex-a-witz (Seasons 2-4)
Britney Spears as Saberslut Tiger (Season 1)
Paris Hilton as Saberslut Tiger (Seasons 2-4)
Mel Gibson as Mr. Raptor, the anti-semetic drunk (Seasons 1-2)
Anna Nicole Smith as Princess Bronta-whore-us (Seasons 2-3)
Elvis as Yoda(seasons 1-4)
God as Himself (uncredited)(Seasons 1-4)
Summary
We need more cake.
See Also
- Life on Earth
- Miss Earth Pageant
- Universe
- NFL
- William Shakespeare
- Earth Ball
- Flat Earth
- Ethiopia
- Uranus
- Oranos
- Saturn
- Mother Earth
- Planet Earth
- Fire
- Wind
- Water
- Heart
- Captain Planet
- Effect of Dragons on Global Warming
- Global Warming
- Global Cooling
| Planets |
|---|
| Confirmed (Solar System): Freddy Mercury / Mercury | Venus | Earth/Lyons/iEarth/World | Disney World | Planet Hollywood | Mars | Planet Google | Globe | Jupiter | Saturn | Uranus / Youranus | Neptune | Magrathea |
| Confirmed (Exosolar): An T'ark-Ti'kah | Uncyclopedia | Discworld |
| Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron | Boob |
| Denied by CIA: Urth | Irk | Krypton | Michigan |
| In a galaxy far, far away: |
| Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Earth | Qo'noS | xxEarth Cxx |
| Loner Planets: Planet A | Planet AAA! | Wisconsin |
