Earth's Children
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“Jondalar rammed his prodigious manhood into Ayla's babymaking hole. Oh Doni!!!”
~ Jean M. Auel on sex
“Clan of the Cave Bear? Is that a cult?”
~ Some guy on Clan of the Cave Bear
“ Are there drugs? Oh really?! Yay!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Clan of the Cave Bear
Earth's Children is a series, written by Jean M. Aeul, of historically innacurate, cinderblock sized, softcore pornography novels taking place in Prehistoric Europe. There are five books in the series: Clan of the Cave Bear, The Valley of Horses, The Mammoth Hunters, The Plains of Passage and The Shelters of Stone.
Contents |
[edit] Series Synopsis
A typical book in the Earth's Children series can be summed up as follows...
Jondalar and Ayla meet a tribe. EVERYBODY LOVES THEM. Long winded descriptive passage... Boring character interaction... blah blah blah... another long winded descriptive passage... eeeewww, some romance... ACK! A LEMON! MAKE IT GO AWAY!!! More boring character interaction... another lemon... more interaction, another descriptive passage, an herbal remedy lecture... another lemon... oh look, a hunt, thats sorta interesting... yaaawwnnn... more interaction, more romance, another lemon... Jondalar and Ayla gottta leave now, ONE FINAL FUCKING LEMON. End of book.
However, if one wishes to know the details of each book, plot summaries are included below.
[edit] Clan of the Cave Bear
She is raised by them and subjected to lots of loverly rape and ultra violence. She has special mystic powers passed on by her crippled adoptive father, but the combination of 1337 skillz and her larger fore brain are not enough to allow her to dominate the tribe. She eventually flees them, abandoning her child, because they are not feminist enough.
With her amazing brane, she was able to invent nuclear physics, the internets, japanimation, Lego and pr0n. Underwear, however, eluded her.
Although most unbiased sources figure the book should never have been published in the first place, an evil feminist rape conspiracy not only allowed the publishing of this book but also its adaptation into a movie, notable only for the appearance of Bart the Bear.
[edit] The Valley of Horses
In this book Alya busts out her 1337 skillz, domesticating horses, lions, and engaging in beastility with wolves until Jondalar comes along. Although Alya has sworn off men, Jondalar has "The Right One!": the original magical penis which men and women (no matter what their sexual orientation) cannot resist. In fact it is revealed in the naritive that Jondalar's magic penis is a result of a curse laid upon him by a wrinkled old crone after he refused to rape her 12 year old great grand daughter and knock her up with his Nazi babies. Jondalar cures Alya of her manphobia, and decides to take her on a magical visit to his home on the other side of Europe. 'Cause, you know, in those days people walked from France to Ukraine and back to France just to get with girls.
The most interesting thing about this book is, of course, Jondalar's magical wang. So much so that it will become the focal point for all to come.
[edit] The Mammoth Hunters
Because no French porn is complete without a huge-dicked black guy, Jean Auel decided to write another sequel. 99.9% of the book takes place inside a mammoth skin hut, where the characters constantly bicker. A love triangle ensues between Ayla, Jondalar and Ranec the Phat Nigga bonecarver. Having been cured of rape phobia, Alya decides to sleep with the black guy from the tribe they just stumbled across - despite the nigh impossibility of a black person appearing in central Europe without being stabbed and eaten as some strange beast. (No offense to black guys, but I know my ancestors, and in half a million years they haven't changed that much.)
Anyway, "Miss Perfect" charms the tribe, is adopted as a member, and then dumps them all to continue on her adventures with the magic penis of Jondalar instead of settling down, living happily ever after and letting the series come to its logical conclusion in a reasonable page count.
Despite spending the entire book in a hut, Ayla did at least find time to invent Blaxploitation.
[edit] The Plains of Passage
Notable for being the most boring book in the whole series, nothing of interest happens in its 5000 pages except for a one page velociraptor attack. Alya fails to invent anything, and Jondalar can't fuck around with Miss Perfect watching his every move. Eventually she forgets to take her "pill", having invented contraceptives in the first book but having failed to mention them till now, and ends up knocked up. Her tame animals seem to be saying "are we there yet?" by the end of the book.
Aeul would not write another god-damn thing for over ten years after finishing the Plains of Filler. Way to go.
[edit] The Shelters of Stone
No sane being has ever made it this far. If you have read this novel, you are a braver man then I. That said, the basic synopsis of the book is as follows:
Jondalar is afraid that he remembers his family being racist fucks and won't accept "Miss Perfect". Jondalar's ex is as magical as Alya and wants Alya to move in with her, disappointingly enough not for lesbian sex, but to become a juju woman in some sort of stone aged Harry Potteresque arrangement. There is a member of Jondalar's tribe who hates Jondalar who has some flathead blood in him (because you know homo sapiens and Neanderthal man fucked together like rabbits), and Alya can't resist trying to help him which just makes him angrier.
Oh, and there's moralizing on the crime of being alcoholic and getting raped by your partner. Because you know nothing says feminist book like "women who are alcoholics are all sluts who have children at random".
[edit] Characters
[edit] Ayla
Wish fulfillment on part of Aeul, Ayla is a tall, blonde, blue eyed, beautiful, god-damn Mary Sue who gets away with everything and can do anything. She is experienced, yet innocent, wise, yet nieve, strong, yet vulnerable. Her totem is the Cave Lion, the strongest of all totems. She is better then anybody with the sling, domesticated the horse, the wolf and the lion, and is single-handedly responsible for setting the course of human evolution in its current path. Yes folks, she's THAT awesome.
Background
Alya is the last survivor of her homeworld, orphaned when it fell into its sun. Her parents, Jean-El and Auel-El, sent her into space in a small rocketship. Due to exposure to the radiation from Earth's yellow sun, she has powers far beyond those of mortal Cavemen.
Wandering alone, frightened, hungry and helpless, Ayla crossed paths with a cowardly lion who chased her into a narrow crack in her butt cleavage. Using the power of her sling and triggernometry (which she invented at the time) she pwned it, but not before it left her with four neat scars left from its Strike Laser Claw to make her look even kewler.
Found in a reed basket by a tribe of Anachronistic Neanderthals, she was indocrinated into the tribe's ways of foceful sodomy, incest, and festive musical specials.
Powers
Throughout the series, there were references to Ayla having great spiritual and intellectual powers. Ayla also has a penchant for inventing things. During the course of the novels, she invented the following:
- Fire
- The Wheel
- The Bra
- Horseriding
- Lion Taming
- Dogs
- The Sewing Needle
- Beastility
- Electricity
- Lego
- nekular physics
- japanamaiton
- The internets
- Extreme Loonatics
- snow
- ice
- contraceptives
- the pro life movement
- alcholics anonomyous
- LSD
- bleach
- Dim Sum
- Vegetarianism
- Blaxploitation
- Whoring
- The travel documentary
[edit] Jondalar
Jondalar is the male main character of Jean Auel's Earth's Children series. He has pale blond hair, ice-blue eyes, is six feet six inches tall, and is described as extremely handsome. Introduced in The Valley of Horses, Jondalar is Ayla's lover, a primitive pr0n star endowed with a magical penis, which cures her of her rape trauma. He proceeds to have lemon-tastic advantures across prehistoric Europe with his lover, wangsting along the way.
Jondalar is a wangst sponge, nowhere near as über awesome as Ayla but still much, MUCH cooler then any living man. He is currently the spokesperson for Enzyte's male enhancement products. A typical excerpt of Jondalar's dialogue, taken straight from "The Valley of Horses"...
| I'm Jondalar of the Zelandoni! I'm so tall and handsome and all the ladies want me! I'm a talented carver and hunter and my COCK IS SO FUCKING HUGE and I'm a perfect lover!!! I have a winning smile and I have a BIG WET SOPPY PILE OF ANGST! Oh no... my brother died, waaaahhhh... and I got dumped by my Doni woman, waaaahhhhh... and I have a virgin fetish and can't find any women who can accept my GIGANTIC PENIS andIgottahidemyfeelingsandstuff... WAAAAHHHH... |
Born the love child of a shaman and a bonsai Banana tree, Jondalar was blessed by the holy spirit of the Great Wang. However, with this great power came great responsiblity. He was trained in the Art of Wang by his eighty-nine-year-old grandmother, who kept him locked in a safety deposit box as her sex slave. Eventually deciding that he was fit to use his great prowess for the Clan's benefit, he was released and unleashed upon his twelve-year- old half sister.
Disgusted at this turn of events, he ran away from his clan to live his lifelong dream of being in the chorus of a Broadway musical. Instead, he found his power again being ruthelssly exploited by a cruel and domineering female overloard, in the form of Alya.
At least this time they were not releated.
[edit] The Clan
A tribe of Neanderthals who raise Ayla as one of her own. Members of the Clan include...
- Creb
- Iza
- Uba
- Brun
- Broud
- Ooga
- Booga
- Chucka
- Fred
- Wilma
- Pebbles
- Barney
- Betty
- Bam Bam
- Captain Caveman
- Ragnar Magnusson
- Ug Witwicky
- Nathan "Rock" Adams
- King Kong Bundy
[edit] Bart the Bear
The most interesting character in the series and the best actor in the movie version. Is skilled at decapitation and looking scary. Bart actually won an Oscar for his role in the film version, even though in his autobiography, he went on to say that he was surprised by the award. He felt it was not his best performance.
[edit] Ranec the Phat Nigga Bonecarver
Probably the most well rounded human character in the series and a bad mother- shut your mouth!, Ranc relies on his black charms, enormous penis and natural charasmia rather than voodoo to get his mack on with the ladies. This, of course, means that Alya eventually throws his mover for someone who understands what it is to be marked by destiny. He is a bonecarver by trade, and in one notable scene stares down some "Flatheads" instructing them to pass him his tool bag - it's the one with "bad motherfucker" written on it in ivory.
[edit] The Movie
Aside from the Oscar-winning performance of Bart the Bear, the film was also noted for its "Caveman" dialogue; all lines, rather then being spoken in English, were in fact spoken in Welsh with subtitles translated from French to English via Korean in a Sweatshop in Belize, then sent through Babelfish.
[edit] Authenticity
Jean M. Aeul put a lot of research into her series, going to the library and traveling the world to study archeology and Kama Sutra. However, the constantly onward-pressing nature of science and further anthropological discoveries have rendered the Earth's Children series laughably out-of-date. For example, rather then being fans of country-western as portrayed in the EC series, Neanderthals were in fact rowdy heavy metal fiends. Also, it is now known that Neanderthals were not highly superstitious, primitive dullards, but were actually highly advanced rationalists who built quantum computers and engaged in buttsecks.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External Links
Categories: Books | Black | Pr0n
