Earthbound 2
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| THIS ARTICLE NEEDS A STEAMROLLER!!! |
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| Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.
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| Eartbound 2 (MOTHER3) | |
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| Developer | HAL 3000 |
| Release Date | June 7, 7777 |
| Genre | Role playing |
| Platforms | Nintendo GameGirl Advance |
| Rating | M for Mature |
| Would Natalie Portman play it? | Hell yeah! |
[edit] Story
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. Earthbound 2 tells the story of a group of unique individuals who will unite to save the world. Kinda like Power Rangers except, you know, without the penis. The story will range from a 1337 cowboy trying to kill the nigga that shot up his gal to a cowardly boy who saves the world...Kinda...How will the story unfold? Find out in one of the hottest video games EVAR!
[edit] Characters
- George Lucas - a sissy kid who wants nothing more than peace and quiet. He is capable of using BI powers. His weapons are vibrators.
- Claus the Great - a hardcore bastard of a child who likes to eat the heads off of animals! He disapears early in the game. He has no weapons 'cause he's a pimp, fool!
- David Boreanez - An assassin who currently works at McDonalds. He is regarded as the sexiest man alive. His weapons are guns.
- Angelina Jolie - The hottest woman alive. And she's bisexual :D! She is also a master of BI powers. Her weapons are her titties! :D
- Boner - A dog who constantly gets boners from Angelina Jolie. His only weapon is the Dog's Weapon, which suspiciously looks like a dildo.
- Clint Eastwood - The father of Geroge Lucas and Claus the Great, Clint is a badass, rugged cowboy. He's considered the sexiest man on the Lower East Side. His weapons are also vibrators.
- Elvis - A disco monkey who's better than Emmit Smith on Dancing With the Stars. He can dance like there's no freakin' tommorow! His weapons are feces. (Get it? 'Cause he's a monkey! And monkeys...throw their...Uh...Hm...Umm...Oh, just forget it.)
- Pamela Anderson - The wife of Clint Eastwood. She dies during the game after some gansta shoots up the place. Clint then goes on a quest to beat the shit outta dat punk! Word.
[edit] A Detailed Story Outline
[edit] Prologue
After naming your characters, you are immediately taken to a screen that says "Welcome to my face." Then, it shows an island, then a couple of places, then fades out...Then, you hear someone knocking on your door. It's Claus the Great! He's telling George Lucas to get his ass outta bed and go outside to play. Take George downstairs and talk to your mom. She tells you to go and get dressed. Answer no, and she'll hit you so hard you'll lose 10 HP! Go and get dressed and go outside. Head east to see Claus the Great ramming a Dragon (Pun not intended). He tells you to ram him to. Just make the bitch happy and ram it. Then, you'll get to fight a mole cricket! O glorous! Squash it and your mom will call you for some pancakes. Then, Pamela will write a letter to Clint and send it off via Carrier Pigeon. Just as she goes inside, though, a flying penis crash lands in the forest.
[edit] Chapter 1: Night of the Dancing Vaginas
You now take control of Clint Eastwood. Thomas, local flaming queen and sex shop owner wants to investigate the mysterious forest fire with you. Take him along and head into the Terry Hatcher Forest. Head north until you are attacked by Fireflies. But these aren't ordinary fireflies, they're SUPERfireflies! :O Then go into the house up north to see a Vagina Man blow it up. What's a Vagina Man? Nobody knows...For now. Anyway, go back to town and it starts to rain. Go home to read the letter from Pam, with an attached picture from her sex tape. After Clint jurks off to it, the entire town will go on the search for Pamela and the boys. After seeing one of Pamela's breast implants stuck in a tree, David helps Clint get up there and get it. They then see more Vagina Men. They make a gigantic boob and it attacks the gang! After beating it up, the Vagina Men escape on their flying penis. Later that night, the boys are found, but word reaches out to Clint that Pamela was killed after a gangsta gave her an Orgasm Attack. The next day, Claus the Great goes to avenge his mother by poppin' a cap in that gangsta's ass. Follow him and you'll meet a strange group of people called the Transgypsies, magical crossdressers...Magical crossdressers? What was this guy huffing when he made this game? Anyway, you'll finally find the gangsta. Give him some of your skillz to bring him down. However, Claus the Great is missing, too!
[edit] Chapter 2: Assasination Adventure
David got his ass chewed out by his Dad, Wes, to make him go into Oshit's Castle and go find the missing butt plug that is worth a lot at a sex shop because it contains many unknown secret STD dieases. David goes through a graveyard and was going to get raped by zombies. He then follows the Rabbit who was late down the hole in his house and ended up in OShit's Castle. He climbs a wall and sees a photo with Womanly Eyes staring at him. He then used his huge gigantic balls to break the floor and fell down just so a ghost could skeet all over his face! He then eats some shrooms and felt better. However, his ass has to go upstairs to a Stripjoint party with the ghost. They appear in shame when you come up towards them, with their dicks in their hand, jacking off to the female ghost shit. Since David wanted the butt plug because he's secretly wants to shove it up his Dad's ass, he contiunes to go upstairs. Then, he saw Angelina Jolie jump from the roof and dropped her tampon. David collects the tampon for masturbation purposes, and then goes to fight Mr. Passion, who had passion for David. After the long passion given, David found what he was looking for, and went ALL the way back to give it to his Dad. His Dad said it was worth shit, that he went back with David and went to look for the Buttplug. However, the Vagina Men went in to find the buttplug for their master, and they also found Angelina masturbating, and then wanting to do a threesome and S&M with the Rope Snake, they all go search for the buttplug. Finding it first before the Vagina Men, they remembered it was booty trapped (haha pun) And they get dropped down into scat, having to fight the Oh-So-Horny Snake! Upon defeating it, they get drowned in shit with the buttplug, and made it the the Golden Shower River where Lighter and Dr. Zoidberg saved them. They were split up, and they all went exploring for that dumbass David who has the buttplug!
[edit] Chapter 3: The Mysterious Traveling Terrorist
Poor disco monkey Elvis just can't get a break. Just as he's about to make sweet love to his bitch, Jessica Simpson, when Osama "The Trash" Bin Laden takes him on board the Mother Penis. They then go through the Gobi Desert and finnaly wind up in TatsumORLY? Village. Then then find a place to stay at the inn. The next day, some local asian kids challenge Osama to a Dance Dance Revolution dance off. He trains Elvis to dance, and the compettition begins.After he wins, Elvis opens up his own delivery service, in which he must hand deliver Fappy Boxes to the citizens. Afterwards, Wes and Agelina Jolie save Elvis and fight a giant metal douche. In the end, Geroge Lucas comes with a Dragon and the dragon fucks the shit outta Osama and his Vagina Crew.
[edit] Chapter 4: Big Titties Strip Club
Three years after the Mysterious Traveling Terrorist appeared, TatsumORLY? has been filled with fappy boxes by Osama and the Vagina People. Everyone too old to know how to jack off to one has been sent into Old Man's Paradise: a nursing home disguised as a miniature replica of a Guantanamo Bay interrogation compound, when really it's David Boreanez's house after hurricane Katrina. Thomas no longer sells sex after Osama made more sex an illegal form of payment and immediately instated money. Everyone incapable of sexually performing immediately opened sex toy shops.
George Lucas is now a whiny little teenager with a vibrator and Boner. He sets off under Wes's instructions to find David Boreanez and the Butt Plug on the east side, as Osama's Vagina People have Wes stuck in Guantanamo Bay with their giant nets made from fallopian tubes. All George Lucas knows is that Mr. Boreanez is on da' East side. Is it da' best? Well, after getting stopped by Mr. T for a safety lesson, having his BI powers unlocked by a naked Transgypsie in a hot tub on a hill, and nearly being killed by penises with cocks for heads (and dildos with eagles for heads), George Lucas finds that da' East side is where the plastic used to make sex toys is mined with giant blow up sex dolls made from that same plastic. George Lucas gets a job re-inflating giant blow-up sex dolls, and gets paid a few hundred dollars and a Happy Ending at Big Titties Strip Club.
Big Titties, it turns out, only has a male strip band called DVDA (Dead vaginas Dancing Asses), led by the White OJ Simpson. *note: OJ is the only Eartbound 2 character whose voice you can hear, as his is high pitched enough for the GameGirl Advance's speakers to play. You can only hear him counting and speaking Engrish.* Angelina Jolie is a waitress there, but she has to wear a Yoshi costume, making George Lucas grateful the naked Transgypsie made him bisexual due to the lack of any female sexual fun on all of da' East side. After DVDA's performance, Mr. Lucas is invited to Ms. Jolie's bedroom where they and Boner threesome in the shower and talk of how David Borianez has become the DVDA pupic hair wig wearing bass player after an STD on the Butt Plug caused him amnesia.
After George Lucas and Boner get stoned in Big Tities Strip Club's attic, systematically genociding all the old musical instruments with BI powers, they drop into Tanya's (or David's) room and George Lucas plays Rock Paper Scissors with all the DVDA members. David Boreanez, still thinking he's Tanya from the STDs on the Butt Plug, puts down his pupic hair afro wig and leaves with George Lucas, Angelina Jolie, and Boner the dog to find the Butt Plug he put into a faulty blow-up sex doll.
[edit] Chapter 5: The Tower of Gayness
You wake up on the 44th floor of a tower that resembles a dildo wearing a top hat and a thick mustache. Once you work your way down to the first floor you'll find an erectile distorter left by the Saturn Valley Bears. Once you activate it you get to make a daring escape which includes matrix styled cutscenes and a train crash.
[edit] Chapter 6: Field of Pretty Yellow Flowers
Outside, you find yourself in a field filled with pretty yellow flowers. You are attacked by a gang of dildos in pig costumes. When they are done with, Clint Eastwood comes over and explains some shit. Anyway, you have to find the legendary 7 Dildos to restore peace somehow.
[edit] Chapter 7: The 7 Dildos
Ok... this chapter is THE longest chapter and is so long, not even n00bs would do this chapter! Well actually they'd just go use some dumb cheat because thats how n00bish they are.. bitch.
[edit] Chapter 8: Everything and All Things Can Fit into Paris Hilton's Hole
After you get the 6th Dildo from the Chupiyopiyopi.....What Ever Temple, a giant flying Penis-Mobile will cum and take you away to the mystical wonderland of porn, New Porn City, and then the chauffer bitch abandons George Lucas and his bitches to rape the one behind the rape of George Lucas' parents and the Porn Mag army: Paris Hilton
[edit] Places in Earthbound 2
- NobodyCares Island
- Tatsumorly Village
- Teri Hatcher Forest
- Oshesohornii Mountain
- Oshit Castle
- Gobi Desert
- Cobra
- Molestation Forest
- Club Big Titties
- New Jersey Turnpike
- Gay Tower
- Goochigoo Mountain
- Gomyfoo Volcano
- Mr. Saturn Porn Studio
- Seriously Farked Up Island
- Chupiyopiyopi.....What Ever Temple
- New Porn City (also a stage in Super Smash-into-the-fence-while-skiing Bros. Crawl)
- Empire Pornography Building
- Pallet Town
- The Stage where Chuck Norris Round house kicks everyone to death
