Earthbound Zero

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Earthbound Zero (MOTHERFUCKER OF A GAME)
The Birth of a Slut
Developer	Ape Shit Crazy
Release Date	June 6, 666 A.D.
Genre	Role playing
Platforms	Nintendo Vagina
Rating	S for Sexy
Would Johann Sebastian Bach play it?	Obviously

Earthbound Zero (Captioned as The Birth of a Slut), is the first game in the Earthbound series and the first game to use the "Erotica" feature of the Nintendo Vagina. It was never released in the U.S. because they were pussies. They were afraid that many children would have a seizure because of a very complex autoerotica disorder (Also known as an Orgasm Attack). Their loss, because now there are rabbid fans demanding this to be released on the Nintendo Wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

[edit] Story

The year is 1988, on the outskirts of White Trash. A young boy named OJ is about to discover that he is the person who will save the world. One day, a CD attacks him out of nowhere, and there is reason to believe there is a poltergeist! His sister is then attacked by a vibrator, in which OJ destroys. After CHECKing the vibrator, OJ learns a special melody called a phat beat.

Soon, he learns of Queen Latifa, who is queen of a midget army in a strange place called Magicunt. She explains that OJ must collect the eight phat beats in order to save the planet from Slut Aliens who plan to make everybody as miserable as them.

And so, OJ must travel to different locations to find the phat beats and rid the world of stupid spoiled whores.

[edit] Main Characters

OJ Simpson- A young boy who learms he is the one who must save the world from evil Alien Sluts. He is also capable of using the secret powers of BI. BI is a special skill that do many things. His weapons are vibrators.
Jessica Simpson - A young girl who also knows the powers of BI. Her sister, Ashlee, will give you a phat beat in exchange for a recording of a song called "Catch Me When I Fall." Her weapons are high heels.
Issac Newton - A genius who goes to School for Scoundrels. He is outcast by his classmates, despite inventing porn. His weapons are ray guns.
Teddy Roosevelt - A young buff man who was abandoned by his parents....The poor knickerboxer, eh wot!? His weapons are guns, biatch.
Pippi Longstockings - OJ's lesbian neighbor. She gets her ass caught in a bear trap (Which is in the White Trash Cemetary).
ADAM - ADAM is Jamal's creation. He is a pimp-ass robot, too! He's got, like, infinite HP, nigga!
Google - The entity of all evil (At this time). The only way to destroy it is by playing the phattest beat of them all!

[edit] Walkthrough

Here is a quick and simple walkthrough for Earthbound Zero:

[edit] OJ's House

After naming your characters, you start off here, in OJ's house in White Trash. Go toward the door and a CD recording of "Rosie the Dyke" will fly right at you. After you beat the shit out of CD, head to your sister's room to see her being attacked by a vibrator. Just turn it off and you'll win. Then go and CHECK the vibrator to get the first phat beat: Wanksta by 50 Cent. Go downstairs and answer the phone. Your dad is calling from Las Vegas to tell you that you are capable of learning BI. Then go outside and CHECK the dog, who will give you a basement key. Go to the basement and get all the vibrators you can, as well as some coke. Head outside and go straight to White Trash.

[edit] White Trash

Your first priority is to go into the department store. There, go upstairs and buy a "bunny." When they guy asks you if you want a semi-automatic "bunny," say yes. This will be important. Next, the mayor wants you to go and find his lesbo daughter, Pippi Longstockings, who's lost in the cemetary.

[edit] White Trash Cemetary

Here, you must enter the synogauge and head to the basement. There, you'll find Pippi inside the secret lesbian dungeon. The maze is very easy. When you find her, mission accomplished!

[edit] White Trash Zoo

After rescuing that bitch, the mayor's assisant, Faggot, will give you the key to the zoo. Head there to see many different animals. However, a friggin monkey will steal your key. But it's okay, just beat it up to get it back. Next, go into the Zoo Office. Here, you'll fight a Yahoo! Jr. He's really tough, because he can use BI QUEEF Rho. When you beat him, go to the retarded monkey. CHECK the monkey to learn the second phat beat: Fuck the Police by NWA.

[edit] "Canary" Village

Here you will meet "The Canary." However, in order to protect himself from the police, he is hiding behind a silver cock-shaped rock. GIVE him the semi-automatic "bunny" to learn the third phat beat: Got Yourself a Gun by NAS. Then go into the cave to the east. There should be this gay seashell in there. USE BI TELEPATHY to transport yourself to Magicunt.

[edit] Magicunt

First, you should head north. There you will find the Blue Men Group, who will assist you in battle by banging their drums really loudly. Then go to the Magicunt Castle. To get in, talk to the Bodyguard. He asks you the riddle "Why is 6 afraid of 7?" USE BI TELEPATHY again to enter the castle. There, you will meet Queen Latifa, who explains to you that when all phat beats are collected, it will create the phattest beat of them all. The ultimate phat beat is the only thing that can save the world from Google. Now, you must leave Magicunt by talking to the man with the yellow hat at the end of a long dungeon. You'll then be sent to another town: Frillyville.

[edit] Frillyville

In Frillyville, head to the Little Sweetheart Cupcakes Factory. When you enter, you'll see cockroaches and rats everywhere. At the top of the facotry is a trash can containing an unlimited supply of Assmasters. You only need one to give to someone very soon.

[edit] School For Scoundrels

Head up to the rooftop of this boarding school. However, the door to the roof is locked, but the janitor will open it if you give him a picture of any girl. Thankfully, you have a picture of your girlfriend, Nichole Brown, so give it to him and he'll unlock the door after complaining about how his ho won't get his money. TALK to the trash can to meet Oscar the Grouch, who will direct you to the trash can behind him. TALK to that trash can to meet Issac Newton. Give him the "Assmaster" to have him join your team. He'll then distract the teachers using the Assmaster, allowing you to escape to Dunkin' Donuts Factory.

[edit] Dunkin' Donuts Factory

When you get to the factory, a rabid, fat lady will attack you. Don't worry, she's not that hard. When you go there, head to the back room and fire the rocket. ROCKET POWER! It will blow up the donuts and the Niggas D-Lux Line will be open.

[edit] Honkie Station

Here, hop on to the Niggas D-Lux line and go to Soqueer. There, Libarache will give you Jessica Simpson's makeup. You'll need this! Then go straight to Homan.

[edit] Homan

Immediately head to Jessica Simpson's house. She will explain that she won't go anywhere without her makeup. GIVE her the makeup and she'll join the party. She also explains her sister, Ashlee, is in Pimpstown. Just remember Ashlee Simpson--She is the one who holds one of the phat beats.

[edit] Forshame

Here in Forshame, you'll be attacked at various time by miniature Barbara Streisands. Avoid them if you can, they know the powers of BI BITCH Rho. Everytime you sleep at the hotel, a Yahoo! will attack you, so try not to sleep overnight. After you see some people, talk to the jew to get the key to the haunted house. USE the key on the house to the east. When you go into the house, you'll hear a voice say "Chicken..." Go over and CHECK the blow-up doll to learn the fourth phat beat: In Da Wind by Trick Daddy.

[edit] Desert

To the northwest of Honkie Station is the desert. There you'll find Howie Mandell trying to clean the desert. TALK to him to get a ticket stub for an airplane...Which is useless in the middle of the desert. After you find a Purple Cactus, you'll learn the fifth phat beat: Wonder Why They Call You Bitch by 2Pac.

[edit] Pimpstown

Here in Pimpstown you'll find Ashlee. Jesssica will ask Ashlee for the sixth phat beat, but Ashlee refuses. She then, however, asks if you can find a recording of "Catch Me When I Fall." If you get her the song recording, she'll give you the sixth phat beat. She says the recording can be found in EBay, so lets go there, now!

[edit] Swamp

Here, you'll find a trash can. CHECK it to register your name for the absolutely low, low price of $1999.99! It may seem like a lot, but with all the pimping you've done, this is easy money to come by. In the house you'll find Pippi having a threesome with Peppermint Patty and Marcie (You know, those two lesbo chicks from the Peanuts?). Anyway, Pippi will let you stay the night.

[edit] EBay

Here you'll encounter the Fagolicious Gangbangers, who are really easy to beat up. Head to the theater for a free recording of the song you need. However, they want you to SING first. So go and SING, however, the leader of the Fagolicious Gang, Teddy Roosevelt, will challenge you to a SING-Off. Beat him up to win the recording. Teddy will then decide to join you.

[edit] Mountain of the Future!

After learning the sixth phat beat from Ashlee, known as Get Outta My House, Bitch by the Class of 3000, head over to the Mountain of the Future! by Disney. After paying Eleventy billion dollars for entry, you'll meet up with a sexy robot known as ADAM. While exploring the mountain, ADAM will have an Orgasm Attack and break down. However, you will learn the seventh phat beat: Smack Dat Bitch Up by Your Mom. Continue going up through the mountains until you get to a gravestone. On this gravestone reads "O Lord, he is thine." However, because there wasn't enough room, it reads "O Lord, he is thin." Then, the eighth phat beat: Bring the Noise by Anthrax will be taught. Head back to Magicunt and Queen Latifa will teach you the phattest beat of them all: Ring Around the Rosy. Queen Latifa will then reveal herself to be Jamal's ho, Oprah, and disapear. Head back to the mountain and get ready for the fight against Google.

[edit] The Final Battle

This is it: The final battle against Google. The battle will be tough, but keep your pimp hand strong and keep on fghting. Eventually, the SING command will appear. Use it to bring down Google. Google then leaves Earth and the world is saved. And so, OJ goes back to bed for a good night's rest. But then, his father begins to call, asking for him to pick up...And then...A very faint, very disant meteor crash is heard...

[edit] BI Attacks

Here is a list of BI Attacks:

BI FREEZE - Turns enemies into snowcones for a good lickin'.
BI FIRE - Fire one of you party members and hire a new one.
BI THUNDER - Makes scary thunder noises that scares enemies.
BI BEAM - Takes out a huge metal beam and smacks the enemies over the head.
LIFE-UP - Gives you another continue to complete the act. If Sonic loses all of his lives, its Game Over.
BI QUEEF - Covers the enemy in humid fishy-smelling air causing uncontrollable vomitting.
HEALING - Heals one party member from lymphoma.
SUPERHEALING - Its like Super AIDS except, you know, without the penis.
BI SHIELD - Link defends using his Mirror Shield.
POWER SHIELD - It's like Power Beam, except, you know, without the penis.
OFFENSE UP - Everybody gets offended by your harmful words.
DEFENSE UP - The Amercian version of Defence Up.
QUICK UP - Sonic becomes faster as he puts on his Super Sneakers.
4-D SLIP - That bitch in class 4-D finally got a pink slip? YES! SCORE ONE FOR ME!
HYPNOSIS - Follow the pretty object...You are now under my control! MUWHAHAHAHAHAHA!
BRAINSHOCK - The enemy's brain gets an electrical shock to the brain.
BRAINCYCLONE - It's like Hurricane Katrina, except, you know, without the penis.
PARALYSIS - Pikachu used Thunderbolt! Bulbasaur is paralyzed! It can't move!
DARKNESS - Everybody is now Helen Keller.
BI MAGNET - All men are now attracted to you. It doesn't matter wiether they want to be, or they don't want to be, they're gonna get attracted.
SHEILD-OFF - The opposite of Head On.
BI BLOCK - A huge cube drops on top of the enemy.
TELEPORT - All characters spin around in a circle and time-travel itno the past.
TELEPATHY - Allows you to read people's minds. Like, this one time, I read Martin Van Buren's mind, and he thought to himself that he was going to read my mind, and I was like, no way, and he did! He's such an meanie!

[edit] Menu Commands

[edit] Main Menu

TALK - Allows you to TALK nonstop. It will torture your party much like The View has tortured everyone.
CHECK - Allows you to give people CHECK-Ups.
GOODS - It will show how good you've been in pimping.
STATE - Shows which state you are in. EXP is rewarded for those who live in Rhode Island.
BI - Shows the gaydar.
SETUP - Allows you to SETUP your Windows XD system.

[edit] Item Menu

USE - USE as a sex toy.
EAT - EAT out the female member of your party. OH YEAH BABYYYYYYYYYYY!
GIVE - GIVE items to the needy? Yeah right!
DROP - DROP your pants for the bitch.
LOOK - LOOK at the big, bountiful titties and the pussy on that blonde!

[edit] Battle Menu

FIGHT - Slap those titties around... Or at least attack your enemy.
AUTO - Your car is now put on "AUTO." Would you like to switch to MANUAL?
GOODS - Shows how good you're doing. From the looks of your medical chart, not that good.
BI - See if the enemy's gay.
RUN - Go for the gold in the 400-meter dash.

Categories: Video games | Nintendo