East African Rift

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Mr Tanganyika on arrest after beheading of local goat.
Mr Tanganyika on arrest after beheading of local goat.


The East African Rift began way back in 1972 after a waiter spat in an Englishman's soup inside a cafe near Nairobi, Kenya. The waiter known as Mwai Tanganyika was upset that the tourist had not left a tip on his previous visit the day before. Commonly mistaken for a geological phenomenon that has caused the land in eastern Africa to split apart after Adi Amin ordered that it be landlinked to Scotland, the East African Rift is now also a term applied to a 21 year conflict that occurred within Sudan between the Muslim North and the Catholic South.

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[edit] Court Battle

Mr Tanganyika fought a long and hard legal battle with Mr Gerry Smith of Torquay, England from 1972-75 who had come to Kenya to enjoy a spot of Rhino hunting at the nearby Nakuru Nature Reserve. Tension began when Mr Smith visited the cafe in the town of Nakuru and never left a tip after he thought 5 KES was not a reasonable price for a cup of home grown tea from the region. The next day, Gerry Smith returned but was disgusted when he discovered what he referred to as a large greener at the bottom of his cup, swirling around with his tea leaves at the bottom of his cup. Bedlam soon erupted which finally resulted in lost limbs of several machette yielding locals and the beheading of a passing by goat.

[edit] Present Day

Although Mr Tanganyika died at the ripe old age of 27 while Mr Smith now lives with his wife Betty and many, many cats at their dwelling house in Plymouth, England, the legal battle still continues. Mr Tanganiyka is currently being charged enormous interest rates by the British Government (no surprise there) as the African native has not turned up for any retrials for the past five years, despite being dead. "Just even more excuses by the Africans to avoid payments for loans that they've recieved" said one senior British judge in regards to a 76 KES loan taken out by Tanganyika to cover his legal costs.

[edit] The Other Kind of Rift

As mentioned above, the East Afrcian Rift in geological terms is also the world's largest rift zone, forming a minor section of the Rhine Graben and stretches from Mozambique in the south to as far north as Luxembourg. This active rift is forcing the East of Africa away from the West, as well as causing political tension within and around Jordan. Civil wars are common as the result of rifts and the dead militants of such wars can be found within the Dead Sea, a burial site within the Great Rift Valley which has been filled with salt to stop the spread of fatal infections.

The African Rift is the only place on Earth where the Core is exposed at ground level and provides both Kenya and Tanzania with an expansive mining industry. Volcanism is common within the East African Rift as several volcanoes are scattered throughout the region. 87% of all volcanoes are located within this Rift System and devastating lava flows, ash clouds and glaciers are commonplace. An area the size of Greece is wiped out every day although the Obsidian (black volcanic glass) by-products produced from rift volcanism provides the majority of resources required for the manufacture of tinted windows on cars and plane toilet cubicles.

Nobody truly knows how rift systems evolve, although the old fashioned Ridge-Push & Subduction-Pull has certainly been dismissed by the African Geological Society. The Ugandan Military Geological Survey however has recently written a paper on how a collapsed mine close to the capital may have sparked huge ground subsidence which is the most scientifically accepted to date.

[edit] See also

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