East Kilbride
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“Spearbrave. lol.”
“Looking for a good time?.”
~ Sandy's Mum
“Where's the nearest virgin?”
~ Obviously an out-of-towner
“Has a Child become a Fashion accesory?... even the Kids Have Kids”
East Kilbride (Chilli Brigade in an Ear in Scottish Gaelic) is the biggest and greatest city in Scotland. it is also its secret capital city, and the AIDS capital of central europe. East Kilbride`s most well known person is in fact the Pope. He grew up in an area called Hairmyres, or also known as `Bearpoint` to many others in the city.
East Kilbride also has a habbit of producing large industrial sized polo mints but without the hole so a mutli-million Peso operation has been planned to get the hole inserted.
The world famous `East Kilbride Shopping Centre` or know just as `The Centre` is the worlds largest goldfish bowl. it also houses the `Shroud of Turin`. this was actully blown up in World War 2 by an American A-bomb, pfft three years late and then bombing one of your allies, good work America.
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[edit] Education
Education is important in East Kilbride. There are around 1,078 high schools in East Kilbride. But as of next year there all gettin knocked down and everyone is moving into 4 schools. St.Andrew`s and St.Brides High School, Calderglen High School and Duncanrig.
These schools arent actually big enough for all the pupils, but the council do not know this and will not find out until the first day of the new term.
One of the highest attended classes in East Kilbride is Underaged lamaze classes. The least being "how not to catch chlamydia" resulting in one pupil attending every blue moon.
A lot of the people from East Kilbride are not educamated and cnat evn spell. This puroves that East Kilbrides educamation system is a load of carp.
[edit] The Village
East Kilbride is home to the world known "The Village". It is 12,000,000,000 years old and was where Jesus attended South Lanarkshire College and studied history, then vowed to change it during his unwritten 17-24 years old stage in his life, which was not mentioned in the Bible as Mark, Matthew, Luke and John were far too stoned to write anything. Jesuseses hoe also resided in the village, at what is known as The Mary Magdeline Arts Centre. Mary Magdeline tricked Jesus into having a baby boy by unplugging the highly popular contraceptive of crocodile dung, from the fabled loch of heritage. The baby boy's whereabouts are unknown, but research has pointed to it either being dead, or Tom Hanks. The Village also featured in M.Night Shymalan's film of the same name, ironically it is also stuck in the past as in the film and the residents only ever leave to visit the local supermarket eColiMorissons and visit "The Centre" for the annual christmas sales. It is home to approximately 1,156 restauraunts, 1,155 of which are of chinese origin, and three pubs, the most famous of which being Legends, where it is rumoured Osama Bin Laden recently dwelled for several months due to it being impossibly hard to receive mobile phone signal. Also, during 1 BC, the three kings were believed to be told to "fuck off" from Legends and find some other Inn to stay Inn. Other well known areas in "The Village" include the Samsung Arena, Cornia DIY and The Village Theatre, where it is rumoured Rod Hull lurks in the shadows after his career went down the pan. The local delicacy is "battered black pudding and chips mate" which can be purchased from the fine establishment of vodkamartinisshakennotstirred.
[edit] Transport
“NEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRNNNNN!”
~ A.Boyracer on East Kilbride's Road System.
The East Kilbride Bust Station is situated in The Centre, where from Adults and Children can ride Busts all day long from prices ranging from 0.35 peso to 12.75 peso for a single Bust ride. It recently underwent a £450 restoration which consisted of sticking corregated iron on already existing stations. Busts in E.K. come in all shapes and sizes such as single decker, or double-d(decker) Busts. In 1994, it won a Nobel award for its amazing Bust service, however, Bust Drivers can be cranky at times, due to the suspension adding to the bounciness of a Bust.
There has been controversy amongst E.K.'s taxi services, as many residents complain that overpriced journeys are leaving them out of pocket. One resident complained a recent journey cost him 12,432,567.45 pesos for a trip from his house in Bearpoint, to Bearpoint hospital, which should have only cost him 5.67 pesos. Not to take sides, but I would have called an Ambulance.
East Kilbride International Train Station also underwent a multi million peso restoration scheme recently, which resulted in a new bin and the miserable old bastard behind the counter going into rehab.
[edit] Religion
Catholics, Protestants and Alcoholics. As is with the rest of Scotland.
[edit] `The Schemes`
East Kilbride is divided into different housing areas, or more commonly known as `Young Teams`. These areas are:
- Greenhills - YGT or HIMSHIE
- Westwood - WYT or BOWRIE
- Whitehills - YWT, WHYT
- The Murray - YMR - Young murray rebels
- Calderwood - The Woody, or the Krazy Young Woody
- Coney Island - The Warriors
- St. Leonards - who cares?
- Hairmyres - these people havent seen a fight in their lives
- Mossneuk - YMD or Mossie Possy
- Stewartfield - Whats a fight?
- West Mains - Le Froy
- East Mains - EMYT
Then there are other wee areas like Lindsayfield, Gardenhall and Newlandsmuir. but no one really cares about these places, as they dont actually exist.
[edit] Sports
`East Kilbride Football Club Boys Club` (also knnown as EKFCBC or EKFCBCEFGHIJKLMONP) is the world`s first football (soccer for the Americans, and sakkaaaaaa for those Japanese people) team. They were the first team to win the World Cup and Champions League in the same season back in the 90s, during the clubs glory years under the management of Mr.Mac with his assistant manager, Granny Smith made famous with her alternative methods of giving out special Fiona Apple CDs at half time, which were filled with a magic ingredent: many said it was really a CD of the inspiring Dr Dre song "Nut-spring but a Glee Thang"(I dont have a clue), some also said it was pieces of rainbow others say it was just a normal apple and she was bullshiting them like they do in Space Jam. He recently retired after 325 successful years at the club. he previously played for the club, guiding them to back-to-back la Liga wins, and won promotion to the Eridivise which he won in the clubs first season there while he was captian. he then lead them to the Asia Cup final but lost on penalties to Grasshoppers Zurich! Mr. Mac scored 2 penalties and saved 7.
He was voted World Plyer of the Year in his final year as player, and beat off competition from Don Vito Corleone (of The Corleone Family), Zinedine Zidane (Barcelona) and `Eric the Eel`, who the inventor of the Slip n' Slide
Mr.Mac is regarded as a local, national and worldwide hero for his contribution to sport.
The other well know football team from East Kilbride is East Kilbride Thistle. They play their football at the Showpark, which is soon to be named Samsung arena, after the Korean electrical manufacturers will sponsor their kit for next season.
John Wrights Sport Centre will be hosting the 2028 Olympics. This has just been announced, so more details will come nearer the date.
Although East kilbride will be hosting the 2028 Olympics, the Special Olympics are hosted annually at Duncanrig Secondary School, where the worlds' finest minds are located. Each year at the end of the Specials, several children are elected to become East Kilbride's MP's.
2012 Will see Langlands and Torrance House host the Ryder Cup after securing PGA Status in 2008. Tiger Woods will be staying at the Penthouse above the Greenhills Bar and Country Club with Colin Montgomerie taking up residence at the salubrious Lindsay House.
[edit] Famous Landmarks
- The Centre
- Victors (the chippy) next to the bus station!
- To get drunk and dance about like a fanny, Crystals, or commonly referred to as `Stals` is where to go. Or if you prefer to sleep with pensioners then Center Point is for you. Plush is where you want to go on a Thursday, Friday and Sunday. hah do you really?!
- The Dolan, if you like to swim in pish which is Scotland's first 50m swimming pool
- Calderglen
- McDonalds and KFC on the Queensway
- The skate park
- Retail Park
- The roads that get you the hell out of there
- Yer Maw
- The High Point - Scotland's biggest urban hill.
[edit] Sexy People of East Kilbride
Drives the women wild, just a monolook in their eyes and they are his, his spearm is so potent that it just takes a graze on your shoulder and your pregnant no matter what species or gender you are.
“He'd soooo git it!”
~ Pope
"The Hill" Billy Joe
James Pennyworth(Born whenever you want it to be so if he wants to buy alcohol never want him to be under 18 your just screwing yourself from him screwing you), better known for his more attractive modeling name "The Hill" Billy Joe or just the simply beautiful "The Hill". The man is God's best work, models his own clothes every day and is immune to everything apart from he is a sufferer of chlamydia but refuses to receive treatment because it's a waste of money. He has stated he will never sell out mainly because the devil owns him since God created him and wanted nothing to do with him since he'll make God look like a transexual version of Jade Goody next to The Hill. His look has been atempted to be copied especially the look in his iconic picture(left) from the Calvin Klein "Are these the boots that are good enough?" campaign in 2003 which has touched everyone which asks the question "are these boots good enough for me?"
“Who wants to touch the boots? I said who wants to touch the boots, not steal them, you slaaaaaaaaag!”
~ The Hill
[edit] Music
East Kilbride has a rich history in music, with local band Spearbrave having won the Eurovision song contest on 6 separate occasions. Their victories spanning a time period of 5 decades. Spearbrave were founded by Oscar wilde in the 10th century to forge peace with the forces of light and dark. Dont really know if it worked. After Oscar Wilde left the band after stubbing his toe which he blamed on the success of the band, Ziggy aka Dec bought his way into lead singer for 208,924,850,973 peso which in today's munny is 9 pence since peso were worthless at the time just like Ziggy. The Band is now fronted by the Cleary Twins, formerly known as the Clary Triplets before brother Julian quit to pursue a career in being gay.
Probably E.K`s most famous musical talent is Ally McCoist, of girl group Glasgow Rangers. He rose to fame when he left them as they were not ambitious enough, and went on a pursuit of a single career. He outdone his former band when he reached 67 in the charts.
East Kilbride is famous for producing bands such as Metallica, Black Label Society, and hard rockers McFly. All connections between McFly and East Kilbride were damaged for being too heavy metal, and moved to some island called Inverness. Metallica`s James Hetfield and Kirk Hammet used to actually live down the street from the Pope (in Bearpoint). The Pope had to call the police on several occasions as the pair from Metallica used to make too much noise while rehearsing for their James Blunt tribute band they were both in back in the early 70`s.
It is not well known that it was actually a group of guys from The Murray who influenced Metallica in writing the song `Whiskey in the Jar`. This was then covered by Thin Lizzy, then later on adapted by The Dublilners. The original song actually went by `Whisky with my giro`.
[edit] Stewartfield Syndrome
Stewartfield syndrome (AKA S.F.S) has plagued East kilbride since the rich and wealthy early settlers arived from other parts of EK to set themselves apart from the "Scummy wee weirdos" as they put it. After becoming cut off from the rest of East Kilbride and isoclated S.F.S was born, S.F.S causes the victim to not have a clue about anything most severe cases have seen the inflicted been turned into "wee dafties" as called by the locals and are regualrly beat either by school mates or workmates as this is the only time they are exposed to the outside world.
S.F.S is highly contageous and has spread through Bearpoint and Calderwood, this has resulted in the St Brides High school to be packed with them and has now been razed to the ground to eliminate further infestation. However during the merger with "St Andy's" the survivors were exposed to new people although showing resilience those "wee bastards" took some St andrews puplis with them. They were not really missed so no one really cares bout them anyways
The government has order everyone that comes across someone with S.F.S to be brutally killed on site and will be given a cookie as a reward.
S.F.S Quotes:
'Whats a steak bake?
i've never seen a pig fly
Awwww!! So thats where my thing goes
Bucky? Who's that?
Communism? What a great idea!!
Neds!? Oh yeah that guy on the simpsons sure is funny
Father Ted? Is he the new priest at Our Lady of Lourdes?
Wow! pillows, they are like marshmallows you sleep on
People Who Are Not From Stewartfield Quotes:
"...took some St andrews puplis..." I mean what the hell?
Along the same lines: "...and isoclated S.F.S..."
Please, if you are going to try and insult a group of people, learn how to spell, hey why not try punctuation every once in a while.
[edit] Famous People from East Kilbride
- John Smeaton (cunt)
- Junkie with hand stuck in postbox
- Chuck Norris
- Kool and the Gang
- Ralph, the pixie Lord
- Herman Li
- Dave Grohl
- John Stewart
- Clarky
- Ally McCoist
- The Hill
- Samuel L Jackson
- The entire cast of M*A*S*H
- Mr. Mac
- Speedy Gonzalez
- Granny Smith
- Tom Morello
- Lance Vance
- The Pope
- Pikachu (Ash Just wasn't cool enough but a posthumanous appeal has been brought forward but was laughed off)
- Angela Kelly. Lucky B*tch.
- Frank Sinatra
- The Elephant from confused.com
- Your Pet Rabbit
- Kung Fu Panda
- Little Bo Peep
- The International KKK
[edit] People from East Kilbride who think they are famous
- Lorraine Kelly - Never up early enough to count her as famous.
- John Hannah - He's supposedly some actor, was reported to be in "The Mummy". Not been seen since. If you know his whereabouts, please don't tell us.
- Jade Goody - She was disowned by E.K after racist comments made in an Indian restaurant when she referred to one of the waiters as `Mr. Poppadom`...yeah thats the only reason why EK have disowned her.
- Ziggy
