EastEnders

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“Invented to keep idiots amused for 30 minutes, while the intelligent try to repair the damage of that day. ”

~ Anoymous

“This is one soap that's due for a plane crash”

~ Oscar Wilde

“Thou art out of order, son!”

~ God on EastEnders

“You can eat me in Ian Beale's cafe”

~ Egg on toast

“Shut it, you...peasant”

~ WestEnders on EastEnders

“Hey Bradley, like to wrestle with a sailor tonight *wink*”

~ Sean Slater to Bradley Branning

“And starting now over on BBC1, EastEnders”

~ BBC2 Announcer

“One does not watch this rubbish!”

~ The Queen on EastEnders

“Well, I'm off now - off to Hollywood. musn't trip over my ego (and break my neck) on the way...”

~ Robert Kaslingingoff on EastEnders

“Oops! Too late!”

~ Crowd surrounding lifeless Robert Kaslingingoff on EastEnders

“EastEnders, you're fired!”

~ Alan Sugar on EastEnders

“We can be as shit as we want and still win the National Soap Awards!”

~ The Entire Cast on EastEnders

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about EastEnders.

1 The Creation of EastEnders
2 The Ten Commandments of Albert Square
3 Current Characters
4 Chapter Two
5 See Also
6 External Links

[edit] The Creation of EastEnders

1. In the beginning God created EastEnders and Albert Square. And darkness fell upon the BBC1 schedules.

2. And God said, Let there be depression. And there was in abundance.

3. And God saw the depression and it was good. The BBC executives saw the ratings and they said depression is good, too.

4. And God called the depression EastEnders; He then created misery, which included rape, murder, binge drinking, market stalls and Phil Mitchell.

5. And God said, Let there be a pub. And God saw the pub and He called it The Queen Vic.

6. And God said, Let the people who populate the Queen Vic be the dregs of society. They must never smile or laugh, He said. And they must endure situations that are true to life, despite never watching their televisions on Tuesdays and Thursdays at 7.30pm.

7. And God called His people EastEnders. And God said to the EastEnders, Thou shalt commit acts of incest, with Mother and Sister being of one, and Z list actors and 'comedians' in guest appearances.

8.And God said, Bring forth a typical Christmas storyline in which death and misery and the occasional wife-beating must occur.

9. With all his power, God made appear a cast of characters; some yielded from Grange Hill, others from The Bill.

10.And God said, Let there be a big storyline once every two annum. And God called the storyline Who Shot Phil Mitchell?; And the people watching said, Who cares?

11. And God said, You are my EastEnders. Deal with it.

[edit] The Ten Commandments of Albert Square

And God created the Ten Commandments. All characters must obey the Commandments, He said:

1. Thou shalt not look for work outside the boundaries of Albert Square.

2. Thou shalt argue and fight during a party.

3. Thou shalt utter the phrase "You're out of order!" during every confrontation.

4. Thou shalt not discuss current events in the news.

5. Thou shalt not enjoy a successful marriage.

6. Thou shalt consume Breakfast only in Ian's Cafe.

7. Thou shalt only leave Albert Square by way of death, prison or Manchester. Or perhaps Spain.

8. Someone will die on every Eve of New Year.

9. Thou shalt not possess a washing machine. Use the launderette.

10. Thou shalt have thy wedding reception in the Queen Vic.

And He thought them, good. Oh so good.

[edit] Current Characters

Ian Beale - Man/Weasel who runs a chippy, thinks he is a businessman.

Dot Branning - Local Atheist, smokes an average of 500 cigarettes daily, speaks in the same tone of voice, and once spent an ENTIRE EPISODE TALKING TO A FUCKNG TAPE RECORDER!
Pat Evans - Fat ex-hooker with horrid looking earrings. Looks like the honey monster. Killed someone with her car once, but it doesn't stop people asking her for driving lessons.
Phil Mitchell - Likes deflating. A bit like Hagrid in the way he speaks, but has no beard or hair. Looks like an uncooked sausage in a shirt. On certain days, you can see your reflection in his head.
Peggy Mitchell - Dolly Parton mixed with a leprechaun, "Get outta moy pab!" Looks like some bird from the Carry On films.
Clare Bates - Got lost in Hollyoaks and ended up here. Playing the same character, but with shorter hair. Yup.
Ian Beale - THE most wimpy, feminine, unlikable, self-serving heterosexual you'll ever see
Lucy Beale - Hates everyone who's nicer than she is.. that's everyone. Apparently is only like 13 years old... yeah right. And Ian is straight!
Peter Beale - So much like wimpy father Ian it's uncanny, blatantly going to turn out gay.
Jane "Used To Be Fat" Beale - Got shot in the stomach, had her minge amputated.
Bobby Beale - Ever seen The Omen? Look at those eyes! The eeeeyyyeess...
Ben "Milkybar Kid" Mitchell - Little Harry Potter shit stain, likes broadway musicals and tap dancing, obviously gay.
Billy "No Mates" Mitchell - Is he a Mitchell really? Happy storylines so far: 0. And no, selling banana smoothies to EastEnd punters does not make you 'a natural entrepreneurial intellect.' Came into the Square as an emotionally-disturbed child beater, and for some reason doesn't understand why his family hated him for it.
Honey Mitchell - A member of MENSA. Likes looking on top of peoples heads.
Janet Mitchell - First downy of Walford!
William Mitchell - Less than a year old, and he's already been threatened by Sean Slater.
Darren Miller - Oh Kev's dead, boohoo. Get over it you prick! Looks like he's wearing lipstick. Still living in the Square despite the fact the rest of his family has moved away, despite the fact he's only 16.
Keith "Keef" Miller - Recent storylines included: Keith has a bath, and the critically acclaimed "Keith brushes his teeth saga" in 2007.
Mickey Miller - 20 years old and still hasn't reached puberty.
Dawn Swann - Pathetic slag. Has the abortion clinic on speed-dial.
Summer Swann - Spawned by a slut, so what hope she got?
Mo Harris - The resident crack dealer.
Charlie Slater - Drives taxis, thats about it. Really.
Jean "Retardation" Slater - Looks like a frog, stutters and shakes a lot and talks a lot of shit.
Sean "I'm Fucking Mad" Slater - Psychotic, angry brother of slut-face Stacey, local fruit loop. Fit though.
Stacey Branning - She'll screw your daddy! Slag! TOTAL SLAG!
Bradley Branning - Ginger. He blushes a LOT. Too stupid too see a gold digger is after him.
Tanya Branning - Likes zips, recently invented bread hoopla! (And buried her hubbie alive).
Abi Branning - Is a little too close to her guinea pigs and incidently, her very own father... dirty little bitch.
Lauren Branning - Started stuffing socks down her bra aged 7, a living bratz doll.
Max Branning - Ugliest womaniser ever? Strongly resembles cross-breed between a goldfish, a monkey and a scotch egg. One day his mother was walking through Regent's Park where she met an monkey who had escaped from London Zoo. The two had a brief passionate affair and Max is the result. Max is defacto leader of The Ginger Triad of Evil along with Paul Scholes and Mick Hucknall.
Jack Branning - A bit of eye candy, unlike his brother, Ginger Max. He can use his all-powerful chiseled jawline to charm anyone to do whatever he so desires.
Oscar Branning - Tanya's latest creature, just wait till he goes ginger. Going...going...going...GONE! Max is plotting to make him his eventual successor in The Ginger Triad of Evil.
Patrick Trueman - Yo mon!!!
Yolande Trueman - Yo-LAN-dee, or YO-land?
Chelsea Fox - Yet another slut, loves the ol' chewing gum she does. I'm cleaannn!!
Libby Fox - Biggest question is how did she ever get laid?! Madness.
Shirley Carter - Roughest bird you will EVER see, chews glass, spits it out, and chews again.
Gus Smith - Spends his time clearing up peoples shit or getting beat up by Sean
Jay Brown - Little chav.
Jase Dyer - Jay's dad, they met like 5 minutes ago and already hate each other.
Heather "'Ev" Trott - She bends over, a scene from Independence day comes to mind... and she runs/waddles everywhere carrying her minature handbag, and sporting a fluorescent plastic hairband. Probably never had sex. Somehow got married to Minty despite her name not being on the marridge certificate.
Minty Peterson - Fat guy with a hole in his chin. Started off as a unlikeable letch, then turned into a decent, loveable guy a few weeks later.
Zainab Masood - Fat postal worker, due to sell her daughter to a Pakistani.
Shabnam Masood - A quite sexy Asian, paedo's daughter
Tamwar Masood - A little library prick who is the perfect match for Libby Fox
Masood Ahmed - Zainabs punch bag.
Ronnie Mitchell - An alien/Michelle Pfeiffer half-breed!
Roxy Mitchell - Looks like the bride of Chucky
Vinnie Monks - Hey, it's BOBBY DAVRO!
Tracy The Barmaid - Works 43 hours a day, 13 days a week, surely she suffers exhaustion? Famous lines: "What can I get you?", "Weren't you in The Bill?" and "What was it like working with Kenneth Williams?"
Christian Clarke - Jane's brother, who once shagged her husband, laughs like a horse. Raped Emo Beale. And then some. Has a smile so freaky it would make the Joker wince.
Bianca Jackson - RICCKKAAAAYYYYY!!!!! Rough, but not quite as rough as Shirley.
Ricky Butcher - Likes to wear jackets that don't fit him. As thick as pig shite.
Liam Butcher - Related to practically everyone. About as clever as his parents, so doesn't stand much chance in life.
Morgan Jackson - Only eats chicken nuggets. The dinosaur ones scare him.
Tiffany Dean - Smart ass ginger kid. Enjoys destroying things.
Whitney Dean - Puts her make-up on with a shovel. Will no doubt turn out to be a bigger slag than her stepmother, so at least she will accomplish something.
Lucas Johnson - Appears to be mentally ill, seeing as he likes Chelsea. And why, oh WHY, is he bothering with the youth of Walford at all. THERE IS NO HOPE!!!
Winston the Market Trader - Been there for 23 years, and still hasn't had a storyline.

[edit] Chapter Two

1.On the seventh day, God rested from all His work. And He did name that day EastEnders Omnibus. Then the Lord formed man and women from the dust, and breathed life into the EastEnders.

2. And God began naming his EastEnders. He said, I shall create an Old Lady and I will name her Lou Beale.

3. And God said, I shall create offspring for Lou Beale. I shall bring forth a middle-aged glamour girl and put her in a cardigan. And he called the glamour girl Pauline Fowler. And also for Lou, a son, Pete Beale, who shalt drink beer from a silver tankard and call everyone 'Treacle'. But The Lord did smite Pete Beale after much backstage trouble, killing him instantly, with no chance of ever returning. And God allowed Pauline to live until Christmas 2006, when she was hit on the head with a frying pan and died with no chance of ever returning.

4. And God said, 'Let there be a wimp'. And he created a wimp and He named him Ian Beale. And He will have his head flushed down the toilet every 100th episode.

5. And God said, 'Let there be a religious chain-smoker, who for some unknown reason (other than dramatic license) has not yet succumbed to a fatal lung disease'. And God created Dot Cotton.

6. And God created Pat Butcher as the world was lacking an overweight, ex-prostitute and wearer of chandelier earrings.

7. And God realised that the viewing public deserved more misery, so He created two extra episodes.

8. And the viewers saw the two extra episodes a week and began to blaspheme.

9. The people began to call EastEnders "Stenders", so named after the cockernee word Stender, meaning the sort of loose-lipped rag cunt you'd find on the likes of that Wife Swap woman, Billy Beardsley, you know, the one who got her tits out in the Sport and they looked like the oversucked dugs of an old sow.

10. And God saw that there was a lack of violence on the Square, so he created The Mitchells, and all hope was lost.