Eastern Unorthodox

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

This article contains unquestionable divine truths.
Anyone who does question will be branded a heretic.
Any and all heretics will be guillotined immediately.

...The Kingdom come, on Earth as we tell you is Heaven.

Eastern Unorthodox is a Christian denomination, dating back to the 1st Nicaean Council era. The founder of the faith is one Patriarch Zacharius of Mesia Inferior, who left the Nicaean Council insulted by the other Patriarch's disrespect for his idea.

[edit] Early Work of Zacharius

During his early service as a Patriarch of Mesia Inferior in Singidunum, Zacharius was noted for his unorthodox approach to faith. He was often heard saying "my approach to faith is unorthodox", as well as "I have an unorthodox approach to faith". Nevertheless, the Pope and the Ecumenical Patriarch ignored his unorthodoxy due to rampant heresy in both east and west parts of Christianity.

Zacharius' earliest work is his unorthodox representation of the Bible, which starts with "This is an unorthodox representation of the Bible", and then is followed by a verbatim copy of the original Bible. Among his peers, he was universally described as a "jerk".

[edit] The Schism

During the First Council of Nicaea in 325 AD the Patriarchs refused the Zacharius' ultimatum to adopt his unorthodox approach to Christianity or he will leave, so he unceremoniously left, threatening revenge on them all. Zacharius returned home to Singidunum, but he was not happily greeted by his flock. In his absence, the entire town agreed to proceed to ignore Zacharius upon his return, which they did. However, this didn't deter Zacharius from continuing to preach his unorthodox faith, which he did until old age finally caught up with him three years later. On his deathbed, he repented his unorthodoxy, and accepted L. Ron Hubbard into his heart.

[edit] Still in Practice?

Despite the apostacy of Zacharius, the Eastern Unorthodox still exist in several parts of the world today and totally deny that Zacharius actually converted. Infaamously the magmites of Nixonia practice this odd form of Unreligion with full gusto and transformationative properties. They are slightly ostracized for it, but in Unorthodox typicum, don't care.

Crest of Patriarch Rusty I of Dobsiopolis

The current patriarchs of the Eastern Unorthodox reside in Checkerstown (Patriarch of the Nixonians and all Peoples of the Magmite Race) and Dobsiopolis (Patriarch of the Ozarks and all Peoples of the Dobsie Empire). The patriarch of Dobsiopolis is considered the superior among equals, which doesn't make sense even to the Unorthodox, but "such is their wont."