Eating Friends

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The Hilton Hotel Chain has become the first to allow you to bring friends for dinner!

Eating your friends as a social custom dates back to Neanderthal times and has been found depicted in Cave Paintings found right across Europe, it was both seen as good method for them to commit suicide and that the 2 people would then be as one, the turds produced were frequently dried out and worn on a chain around the neck.

In the Roman Empire captured Germanic tribesmen not being used as workmen or for sexual purposes were ground up for consumption as sausages known as Frankfurters, soon this caught on as a fashion in Ancient Rome with people especially keen to be eaten by rich friends of theirs so as to share in their riches.

Quickly the practice spread across the Roman Empire and advantages were soon seen for example as an alternative to a Diet of Worms, in addition no one would suspect that someone would be eaten to enter a country - people have used the method to get for free into the cinema to watch films, or for purposes of immigration and one immigrant was found to have swallowed his entire tribe in a bid to get them into the UK.

People have escaped from prison this way, wait until a pal of theirs is released and then slip into their food and out they go.

Noel Edmonds and Jeremy Beadle have used the method to go undercover and pop out unexpectedly, many say that as they are shits anyway that this is an obvious method for them to use.

It is now so popular that advisory DIY books such as How to Eat Friends and Influence People, and TV programmes such as Friends for Dinner have sprung up.

Many Celebrities have jumped on the bandwagon of eating friends and of course as everyone knows Celebrities really are everyones friends and so they can eat anybody and following on from this ITV has introduced a new series Celebrity Friend Eating.

Opinion Polling has shown that most people want to be eaten by Madonna, Shilpa Shetty, Kate Beckinsale or Keira Knightley, among the over 50's Joan Bakewell, Delia Smith and Anna Ford are strong favourites whereas among under 16's Konnie Huq is far and away the favoured eater.

1 Lots of Varieties
2 Quotes
3 Favourite Things to Do While Eating People
4 Background Music
5 Films based on the concept

[edit] Lots of Varieties

Read a book about cannibalism while eating them
Read the book to your friend about cannibalism while eating them
Leave the door open so people can watch you eating your friend
Eat more than one of your friends together and then bury what comes out later, then they can lie in turd side by side.
Think about what your father would if he caught you eating your friend while you were eating your friend
Think about what would happen if you were masturbating while you were eating your friend
Find out and masturbate while you ate your friend
Think about masturbating your friend while you eat them
Think about a parrot masturbating both of you while eating your friend
Have a parrot masturbate while you eat your friend
Think about your parents watching you masturbate a parrot while you eat your friend
Eat your friend with BBQ sauce
Eat your friend with Reader's Digest
Eat your friend on the cover of National Geographic
Eat your friend with no hands
Eat your friend with a parrot's hand
Think about what a parrot's hand would look like
Think about what your friend would look like if they had a parrot's hand
Stick a parrot on your friend's hand
Eat your friend in front of a mirror
Eat your friend behind a mirror
Eat TWO of your friends at the same time
Eat two friends of the same sex
Eat your friend when a parrot's eating you
Eat your friend while sinking in water
Eat your friend on the bus
Eat your friend while playing videogames
Eat your friend while playing Halo
Eat your friend with french fries
Eat your friend without any dessert
Make your friend dessert after eating him (tastes better the second time)
Eat your friend before he eats you
Eat your friend without any dressing
Eat your friend when you have a tummy ache
Eat your friend while watching beastiality with your dad
Eat your friend while watching bestiality with a parrot
Eat your friend with chopsticks
Eat your friend with Chinese people
Eat your friend with a smile on
Eat your friend without bathroom breaks
Eat your friend with a talking fish
Eat your friend from Fnord in Norway
Eat your friend in drag
Eat your friend while you're naked
Eat your friend with an orphan
Eat your friend with Jesus
Eat your friend from MySpace
Eat your friend while writing his will
Eat your friend with a comb in your pants
Eat your friend with a water-based lubricant
Eat your friend after ejaculating on him
Eat your friend with suspenders on
Eat your friend with the Smuckers crew
Eat your friend with a thermal clown
Eat your friend with a thermal parrot
Eat your friend in a fox with a box
Eat your friend with green eggs and ham
Eat your friend with a proctologest
Eat your friend while watching TV
Eat your friend while eating friends
Eat your friend with a cannibal
Eat your friend while laughing
Eat your friend while going to the bathroom
Eat your friend while sitting on the toilet
Eat your friend while pooping in the toilet
Eat your friend while you sleep
Eat your friend while you go to school
Eat your friend while listening to the Teacher
Eat your friend while taking a bath
Eat your friend while you brush your teeth
Eat your friend while you have sex with them
Eat your friend with Mr.T
Eat your friend with Jessica Alba
Eat your friend while watching porn

[edit] Quotes

“I've tried'em all!”

~ Oscar Wilde on 101 ways to eat your friend

“Bbbbbbbbrains!Brrrrrrrrains!Braaaaaaaains!Braiiiiiiiins!Brainnnnnnnns!Brainssssssss!”

~ Zombie

“Buddha could have done with more salt”

~ Taliban

“Fools make feasts, and wise men eat them”

~ Benjamin Franklin on Eating Foolish Friends

“He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all of my substance into that fat belly of his”

~ William Shakespeare on On being the flavour of the day

“Oops I did it again!”

~ Britney Spears on eating friends

“I've been sitting on this toilet for the past day - I should have chewed harder!”

~ Madonna on Christina Aguilera

“I have always adored beautiful young men. Just because I grow older, my taste doesn't change. So if I can still have them, why not?”

~ Brigitte Bardot on Culinary Preferences

“He wanted a closer look at my butt, so I ate him.”

~ Nigella Lawson on Jamie Oliver

“I really just chew my friends, spit them out, and serve them to other friends!”

~ Evil Pizza on "meatloaf"

“Prepare it just like chicken!”

~ Delia Smith on eating friends

“I took him away from this cruel world and now we'll always be together”

~ Supergirl on eating Jimmy Olsen

“Shhh, we're about to make beautiful music together !”

~ National Symphony Orchestra - Wind Section on Nigel Kennedy

“I'll give him a burial at sea, off the Poop Deck!”

~ Hillary Clinton on Bill Clinton

“Where I come from it's called Charity!”

~ Dame Shirley Porter on eating friends

“Fancy some Lemon Kurd?”

~ Saddam Hussein on eating "friends"

“Hey, this crab is called Peter?”

~ John Prescott on For the Good of the Cause

“I've got the Trotskys?”

~ Stalin on eating friends

“I like to sit on them and cook them, I use gas on a high heat”

~ Supergirl on eating friends

“Eat my pies and you'll encounter a whole host of new friends, I bring families together”

~ Titus Andromochous on Eating Friends

“Just let me eat you and I'll make Chocolate Chip Cookies.”

~ Nigella Lawson on eating you

"Isn't he sweet, he'd go down really smoothly and could pop out lovingly for a nice swim at the end."

~ Your Friend's Mom on you

“I am not a chef. I am not even a trained or professional cook. My qualification is as an eater.”

~ Nigella Lawson on 101 Ways to Eat Friends

“We thoroughly researched it, it's a really scary situation, first do you struggle, do they hold you down and tear bits off you or hit you on the head, or are you a willing subject and then when you pop back out into the world later on - the director talked to many people who had been through this before we filmed it”

~ 'Brad Pitt on On his role in Shiteclub'

“John Prescott is filling in a new role, he made the ultimate sacrifice - I was hungry and a Prescott Vindaloo just hit the spot, this'll keep the cabinet going for a bit, here Cherie there's lots left, he was always pulling my leg now I'll pull his”

~ Tony Blair on John Prescott

The cat in the hat Will you eat your friend with a fox in a box with green ham and eggs?

[edit] Favourite Things to Do While Eating People

Screwing Jodie Foster on the Kitchen Table with a couple of bottles of Chianti
Relaxing with Readers Digest
Watching Jamie Oliver playing with his tomatoes
Sing "you've got a friend in me" from toy story.

[edit] Background Music

Water Music - Handel
Horn Concerto - Mozart
Jaws Theme - John Williams
Just Eat It - Wierd Al Yancovic
You've Got A Friend In Me" - Randy Newman

[edit] Films based on the concept

Down the Hatch (2006) - starring Michelle Pffifer, Susan Sarandon and a lot of baps and lettuce.
101 Ways to eat Friends, the Movie (2005) - Phoebe has found a novel way of dealing with poverty.
My Big Fat Greek Meal (2005)
Frost for Breakfast (2005) starring Nigella Lawson.
Nigella Bites (2001) starring Nigella Lawson.
Shiteclub (1999) starring Brad Pitt, Ed Norton, Ingrid Pitt.
Whats Gilbert Grape Eating (1993) starring Johnny Depp and a lot of ketchup including the notable quote "Come on man. She's not all that big, Gilbert."
Someone is eating the Crowned Heads of Europe (1958) starring Robert Morley.