Ebola
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I'm bleeding, is that bad?”
~ Emos on Ebola
“The bacteria look so cuddly!”
“Its like putting your guts in a blender.”
“I swear, I did not transmit that disease to that woman.”
“I could have used Ebola instead of anthrax, but I am a humanitarian.”
~ Osama Bin Laden on Ebola
Microsoft Ebola is a horrible disease affecting (BLEAUGH) people that often visit rainforests. It was originally planned to be a followup to Windows BSE, but after some really crazy shit happened it turned into something that makes your tongue turn into bloody gunk. The project was canceled, but unfortunately it was leaked onto file-sharing networks by a disgruntled employee for no particular reason. Everyone hates that guy now.
Contents |
[edit] History of Ebola
Ebola started out as a program for foreign and retarded children, though some claimed it to be used mainly as industrial latrine solvent. However, its programmers were unable to include a security feature and it soon became a virus. Ebola then began its reign of terror, striking fear into the heart of those who often come in contact with other people's blood. It is believed to have started in Turkey. Then, it moved to England, and after England, Japan. Finally, it arrived in the the big country that looks like a horse without back legs. The CDC filed it as a Class VVIXV Threat to canine health. After the Ebola Panic of 1980, the current president of the USA ordered a nationwide lockdown of Ebola and its affiliates in a secret plan to be the sole wielder of the Ebola virus in his secret plan to rule the world. Unfortunately, a condom broke during this lockdown and the epidemic continued to spread, foiling Bill Gates' plan, at which he immediately though of a better way to subdue the world.
[edit] How to prevent Ebola
The best way to prevent Ebola is to not go anywhere tropical, another good way to prevent this disease is to avoid contact with Christopher Buckley of Sellersville PA. Extra precautions you can take include avoiding fast food, not leaving your house (EVER), or huffing kittens. However, because of an increased chance of cancers of the lung, breast and anus, the kitten huffing prevention plan is not recommended.Another good way to prevent Ebola is to make love to your father before every meal.
[edit] Common Victims of Ebola
Common victims of Ebola include Japanese rock stars, Ethiopian children, and explorers. If you make contact with any of these on a regular basis, it is vital that you stop immediately. If you are one of these, then there is no help for you. Please enjoy the rest of this article. If you can.
[edit] Transmission of the disease
This disease can be transmitted through bites received from various insects, drinking tropical water, drinking toilet water, or eating raw lemurs. Causes have also been traced back to eating at the Grease Hut, however, the manager denies this. In rare cases, this disease is transmitted through sexual contact or making direct eye contact with someone infected with Ebola. Some employees of Microsoft are also known to secretly be able to infect people from just touch, these are the remnants of Bill Gates' plan Ebola0. If you use <error: Ebola virus detected> then you probably are already either dead, or have huge computer lag.
[edit] Symptoms of Ebola
The following symptoms include but are not limited to:
- Excessive Dirrhea
- Cravings for kitten huffing
- Visits from Michael Jackson
- Police bribes
- Failed children's educational programs
- Attraction from emo people and sadists
- Attraction to George Dubya Bush
- Attraction to ugly Soviet leaders
- Acne
- Cubism
- Asploding microwaves
- Black holes
- Bleeding from your eyes (for reals!)
If you experience any one of these symptoms, report to your nearest hospital for medical and psychological assistance.
[edit] Curing Ebola
If you have Ebola, you're essentially screwed. All you can really do is enjoy your last moments with your loved ones (or pets) before you start puking up your organs out and finding Nikita Khrushchev sexy.
