Ed Gein
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"Ed Gein once gave me a belt fashioned out of nipples for Christmas. Quite disturbing, but a nice gesture nonetheless."
~ Oscar Wilde on Ed Gein
"I went to college with Gein. We were good pals, and he helped me cope with the loss of some close friends of mine that were mysteriously murdered."
~ Bob Saget on Ed Gein
“Ed was besotted with serialism. Everything he did was serial. But his major interest was -SPANKING.Man could that guy smack.He TANNED my arse, talk about throbbin' tonight, I was lucky to get away with both cheeks! - ”
~ Madonna on Ed Gein
Ed Gein was a famous American hero who saved the world thousands of times from hellspawn and mean people. He has received countless awards for his acts of kindness. Some people say Gein was actually a brutal murderer, but these are of course liars, since all Ed's killings were done for the good of America.
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[edit] Early Life
Ed Gein was born in 1926, a year when many great things happened. Not much about his early life is known, although many people from his home town mentioned that anyone that insulted Gein disappeared shortly after. It is believed God got rid of them because he loved Ed so much. When he was 4, his house burned down while Ed was making shrinky-dinks in his oven. Though he told authorities he didn't know what happened to his mother, brother, father, sister, aunt, pet dog, landlord, gardener, maid, slaves, and local mailman in the fire, he later led them to their bodies, which were cut up severely. Their deaths were later blamed on vandals.
[edit] Growing Up in the Hood
Whenever Ed was 9 years old, he was shot by a gang of pimps armed with Super Soakers. He fucked numerous prostitutes and had many children but killed them all and ate them alive.. Ed spent 9 months in the hospital with Internal Bleeding. The hood was indeed a terrible place. All the residents were white, and there were no liquor stores or gun stores. This meant Ed could not get his redneck fix of shooting deer and drinking Budweise. Enraged by the community, Ed moved out of the hood and spent a full 5 minutes camping in the mountains! When he returned he looked very much like bigfoot and Albus Dumbledore, with all his hair grown out to the floor, and a beard littered with bones and cigarette butts that went down to his cock. Shortly afterward, Ed graduated Elementary School, at age 14. After graduating, he bought a Big Wheel and fled cross country, out of fear the cops would catch him for an unforgivable crime he had committed: Playing Celine Dion at full blast at 4AM and aiming the speakers at his open window, for the whole neighborhood to wake up to. Ed claims he was in Nicotine Witdrawl.
[edit] Ed Gein: The College Years
College was a crazy time for a maturing Gein. There he met some many friends who later in his life would help him fight crime, like God and Hannibal. Strangely, when Ed began to attend college, many murders were committed there. Today it is believed that a killer was stalking Ed wherever he went, killing anyone who lived near him for some sick purpose. The bastard who did this to Gein was never found, but it is hoped that he died a horrible death at the hands of grues.
While at college, Ed met the love of his life, Tiffany. After only dating her for 3 days, though, police found her dead in a park, and her breasts were cut off and put in Gein's freezer. The police, of course, did not suspect such a nice man as Ed, so they hunted down the real killer nonstop, who just happened to be the first black man they came across.
Ed Gein, God, Hannibal, and a only a handful of others graduated from college in Ed's year, since the rest of the students were, coincidentally, dead.
[edit] Ed Gein's Legacy
After college, Ed was notorious for holding many parties. Some claim the parties were so good, that anyone who came into his house never left! Alas, his life of constant boogying was not meant to last. One day, when he was at the movies, a man's cell phone kept ringing, and everyone in the theatre was getting really perturbed at this. Ed Gein, being a leader of the people, took charge of this situation and stabbed the man in the face 7 trillion times. Though this was considered murder by some, to just about everyone it was considered Ed standing up for his rights as an American. It was at this time Gein realized he had to be a hero to the people, and use his trusty knife to protect the public from evil. All of Gein's stabbings of justice were encouraged by the people. Of course, with the government being corrupt, Ed had to stop protecting the people, since the government said what he was doing "illegal".
Just so you know, Ed Gein never stabbed anyone. he shot them in the face....and then later cut them open. but still, there was no stabbing of faces.
[edit] Gein Saves Lives
After his previous success in helping people via killing, Ed Gein decided to try a different method in protecting the galaxy, this time by saving people however he can with his trusty knife. It is assumed he saves exactly 3.8 people by this method, since most of the people he rescued died unexpectedly in the process. This phenomenon of dying while being stabbed is attributed to ghosts.
[edit] Ed's Final Heroic Battle
In 3052 AD, zombie ghost pirate nazi aliens attacked Earth. The nations of the world gathered together and pleaded to Gein to help defeat these monsters. Ed Gein, armed with only his knife, flew into space and singlehandedly destroyed them all, though wiping out about 1/3 of the Earth's population completely, without a doubt, on accident. But sadly, the great Ed Gein did not have the power to breath in space, and thus the greatest hero on Earth perished protecting the land that he loved...
[edit] ...Or Did He?
Recently, many people have been dying due to stab wounds in the face. These people were all considered "pretty uncool", so their deaths were justified. These deaths of justice are similar to Ed's early slaughtering people unwanted by society, so it is believed Ed may still be alive, continuing his heroic job by making the world a better place.
[edit] Ed Gein's Books
Sometime in the year 1, Ed Gein had several books published on himself. First, Ed Gein: The Ghoul of Plainfield. Next, Ed Gein: The Butcher of Plainfield. Third, Ed Gein 3: Regeined. Fourth, Ed Gein: The Return of Eddie. Fifth, Ed Gein: Apocalypse Gein. And finally, Ed Gein: The Final Geining. These books were met with severe laughs from critics. They questioned his sanity and kept right on drinkin' their long island iced teas. Finding their lack of faith disturbing, Eddie pulled them in two and then created some GEIN O's (Ed Gein's personal cereal) of their flesh.
[edit] Ed Gein's Inspiration on Media
Gein's tale of bravery and justice have inspired many novels and movies. Some of which are:
- Bambi
- Million Dollar Baby
- Beavis and Butthead Do America
- Robocop
- Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle
- Sin City
- Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman
- 50 First Dates
- The DaVinci Code
- Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
- The Dude in The Big Lebowski
- And the third season of Different Strokes
- Gigli
[edit] Fun Facts
- Ed Gein loved Pudding.
- Ed Gein has Fists of Fury. The tale of how he came to obtain these is chronicled in the movie Million Dollar Baby.
- Ed Gein and Tupac Shakur were best friends at one time. In fact, there was a picture of Ed and Tupac hanging out taken 3 seconds before Tupac was stabbed 8 times in the face and robbed of his bling by a mysterious person. Edward was crushed by his death, but comforted with some new gold chains he claimed he found in the street.
- Ed Gein's mom was not a zombie.
- Ed Gein is an anagram for Dingee. This word means nothing whatsoever, but it's still an interesting fun fact.
- Ed Gein once defeated Jeffery Dahmer but only by using his mind laser where he shot pistachios from his mind. Jeffrey Dahmer's last words were "I will be reincarnated one day as a peanut and I will destroy the entire human race with my trusty pal whaley the humpback whale."
- Ed Gein started a fashion line of skin-tight clothes made of people's skin. It was met with mixed reviews as to whether it was fashionable or not. Its status of uniqueness mostly differed from person to person.
