Edmonton, Alberta
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“I was in Edmonton once, I must say... It reminded me of Omaha...only colder
”
~ Oscar Wilde on Edmonton
“Oscar Wilde Sucks!”
~ Wayne Gretzky on Wilde's ridiculous comments
“Then why did you leave?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gretzky's even more ridiculous comments
“I like Edmonton, in THAT way!”
~ Albert the magic pixie on Edmonton
“Edmonton is greatest city I ever have pleasure of be in...........NOT!!”
~ Borat on Edmonton
“Who let you in without a visa?”
~ Canada Customs on Borat
“It makes hell look like Hawaii”
~ Everybody on Edmonton
“we were born here, what's your excuse?”
~ Saladfork on Edmonton
“We should be the capital, we have a million people (in a whiny, 5-year-old voice)”
~ Calgary on Edmonton
Known for its Mild Summers and Often Cold Winters...In the same way Johannesburg is known for being 'Mildly Dangerous' and 'Often Quite Violent.'
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[edit] Climate Control
During the "Mild Summers", when the sun glimpses through the Edmonton sky (Constructed in 1984), Edmontonians rarely have to crank up the air conditioning as the Kyoto-violating practices of Edmonton's shopping centres and supermarkets often chill the core of the city to a cool 4 degrees Celsius. In winter, it often approaches what Canadians consider 'cold,' which is known in the more popular American dialect as "JESUS-FUCK!" However these ambiant temperatures of -30 are considered quite balmy, and many Winnipeggers and Saskatoonites consider Edmonton the perfect winter holiday destination.
“This is my island in the sun!”
~ Winnipeg Orchestral Choir on Winter in Edmonton
[edit] Ancient History
Long long ago, in a decade far far away (see The 80's), the Edmonton Oilers were a great team. This remains the single point of pride among a slim majority (94%) of Edmontonians. Sadly, the greatest players were all traded away by a cruel and mighty demon, known to Edmontonians as He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-In-Edmonton-Since-He-Actually-Traded-Wayne-Gretzky ("HWMNBNIESHATWG" (pronounced /'pi.tər 'pak.liŋ.tun/) alternately "The Puck," or "That bastard who once owned Palm and Gainers.") HWMNPNIESHATWG was bored one fateful day, and thus sought out to wreak untold cruelty upon Edmonton, a city that really didn't have much to brag about in the first place. This forever changed the lifestyle of the meek and peace-loving Edmontonians, whose only pleasure in Winter other than snapping icicles off the frozen noses of their friends, was pretending to be Wayne Gretzky.
Since the ancient heresy of HWMNPNIESHATWG, the town motto has changed from "City of Champions" to "We used to be really really good! Honest!" Note that the Oilers have only been recognized as the greatest team in the history of Planet Earth. HWMNPNIESHATWG traded The Great One before a deal to play in a series against planet Jupiter's greatest team in history, the Titan Titans, could be finalized.
Travelers to Edmonton should be advised that cheering for any sports team from Calgary is punishable by death. This is likely because Edmonton missed the NHL, CFL, and NLL playoffs and Edmontonians are very touchy about these things. It doesn't help that public enemy #1 (Chris Pronger) is playing public enemy #1A (Mike Comrie) for the Stanley Cup.
About 7000 years ago Edmonton Oilers almost beat another team at hockey, in the finals, for the human race. The Oilers failed and then due to a contract loophole the invading Omicron Perci 8-ians get to eat every 70 year old in Edmonton.
Smyth uses his pyschic powers to save the oilers [edit] TourismWest Edmonton Mall, WEM, and after that there's the mall. Then you've got CapitalEx (this was actually thought to be an IMPROVEMENT upon the name 'Klondike Days.' Now it sounds like the superhero time forgot.) and Heritage days, Plus there's many indoor and outdoor activities year round! Given that Edmonton has a ratio of 3 vehicles for every person, West Edmonton Mall is also home to the world's largest Parking Lot and the world's largest trailer park next door. The rest of Edmonton is referred to as "the city by THE MALL." Also, "The Oilers"  A rather unknown fact about Edmonton is that it has no seasons. It is compised of areas where it is winter, Spring, summer, and Fall. Most people live here stay in the spring areas because there is a 10% discount on lard if you live there. Another unknown fact about Edmonton is that it is comprised of million and millions of the worlds illegal immigrants. The 'Credmonton' Campaign The Edmonton Tourist Luring Department's new campaign to attract tourists is slightly less convincing than one might expect. Department head Jhevonald Hoylarchuk has this to say: "What we're trying to do with the 'Credmonton' pitch is attract the segment of the population that previously viewed being stabbed in the lower abdomen as a negative thing. We just want to show that there's another, fun side to the whole Edmonton experience. Credibility is something you can't buy, but we're going give it our best shot to sell it to the dozens of people interested in visiting our beautiful burg! Taxpayers will also be pleased to hear we have an unwritten agreement with the city's stabbing population, and they have graciously agreed to stab anyone looking like a tourist for free. City of Champions!!"
Thanks to all the oil from Edmonton, the Canadian dollar boomed and finally passed parity. Which in turn gave Edmonton more money to buy police officers. Thanks to the abundance of po po's in the city, the millions of illegal immigrants hiding in Edmonton were forced to leave, reducing the population to 5. In the end of this tragedy, the town closed and was re-named Deadmonton. [edit] Food & BeverageDuring hockey season, the Edmontonian diet primarily consists of beer. In the off season, the Edmontonian diet primarily consists of beer mixed with the tears of last seasons defeat. An alternative to traditional "beer", "strong beer" or "malt liquor" is always a worthy alternative if one has some spare change in their pocket. Often liquor stores are so embarrassed to have Big Bear and Black Bull in their cooler that they will actually pay you to take it off their hands. The 40 ounce bottles and distinctively tacky labels will deter most from drinking it in its naked form, a Safeway bag will do wonders in concealing your shame. However, only a true Edmontonian will drink it exposed to the world and then break the bottle on a nearby tree/street light/car/school/rival night wanderer. Alternative dietary supplements include Pyrogies, Alberta Beef (preferably of the Mad Cow variety), The blood of environmentalists, and more beer. A little known fact about the whole Mad Cow-thing, is that the cow in question actually came from the US. Isn't Free Trade fun? [edit] Natural WondersThe Edmonton landscape is entirely flat with the single exception of Rabbit Hill. It is a known fact that Edmonton does truly and honestly admit to riding von dutch style on the New Jersey turnpike. The North Saskatchewan River, AKA Flowing Flesh, AKA The Brown River. Come the wet season, a fresh batch of mamallia appears on the surface and washes up on the mosquito-saturated crabgrass that passes for banks. Common Species: Human, Deceased - probably from the serial killer. (yes Edmonton has one!) other possibilities include your pigheaded friend who tried to walk (or snowmobile) across the river on a dare in the late spring. The Oilers 13 game losing streak in the last 12 games is not considered to be a natural wonder as it is the doing of greedy American Own-- Errm, that is to say, MANmade. Watch out for native tribes still roaming the land. They WILL scalp you! Usually because you're an insensitive racist who deserves to be taught a lesson in treaty rights. Although it is not a natural wonder, it is often argued the best wonder in Edmonton is the mysterious "Road to Calgary". It is known to locals as the "Highway to Hell" or the "Road to Nowhere". [edit] Natural ResourcesOil. See Prairies. Edmonton has the most bestest! water treatment facilities of any city in the western world. You would too if your local river was nicknamed "Flowing Flesh."
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