Edward Norton
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“There is goodness, there is greatness. Then, there is Edward Norton.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Edward Norton
Edward Norton is the greatest actor in the history of the universe, a noted Republican and supporter of George W. Bush. He is also notable for being one of the only (if not the only) people to have a last name with no capitalization. In interviews he is known to pretend to have Liberal leanings for the purpose of humor much like Stephen Colbert, also has been known to protect recycle bins. Norton is also a world champion in many forms of martial arts. While Mr. Bigglesworth has challenged many actors to death battles, he leaves Norton's challenge unanswered. This had led many observers to question Bigglesworth's true karate powers. This has also improved people's views on the immense power of Norton. Many claim that Norton is capable of imploding the minds of the weak with mere psychic blowouts.
Dressing snappy and on the prowl for girls again, he can be seen strutting about New York City's fashionable districts being charming to the meter maids and getting out of parking fines. Always a patron of the Arts and SOLAR POWER (and God said "let there be LIGHT [for your renewable energy needs]!"), Edward Norton's favorite activities, besides the magic of movie-making, include giving back to the community, singing the great American classics, and flying small single or twin-engine aircraft over the curiosities of human civilization while listening to 'Paranoid Android'. Look out NY, look out World, for here comes Edward Norton! This kid is one good looking yuppie.
Edward Norton is remarkable as the only human to beat a bear in a fight but be rejected from the Bear Wranglers Hall of Fame on a technicality.
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[edit] Notable Films and Scenes
Fight Club:
One of his most famous acting roles to date has been as "the narrator," in the movie Fight Club. Fight Club is about a man who disillusioned with his life starts a fighting club in his aunt's basement. Every day they meet after work, fight each other and mutter things like "I am Jack's aunt," or, "Tiene un gato en mis pantalones." This movie won 20 Oscars and has since become a cult hit on D.V.D. A notable scene includes a scene in which the narrator having met and fallen in love with a singer named Marla is almost knocked over by a bus driven by his maniac aunt. Tyler Durden (a distant cousin of the narrator) is the narrator's only other friend.
Norton's role in Fight Club is also notable for having one of the most intensive Jared Leto Beat downs ever captured on film. Most historians have agreed Norton's demolishing of Leto's face alone should have won Norton the oscar. Unfortunately, Leto's face did not stay that way, as he is possessing of an ego bigger than any beat down, save that of Chuck Norris's. Chuck Norris is the only man who could give a better Nazi beatdown than Edward Norton.
The Illusionist:
A true life biopic of one man's struggle to live with a levitation trick that went askew. When magic goes wrong and leaves you suspended 4 inches off the ground for the rest of your life, how do you cope? norton plays Eisenheim, a man who lives a "walking on air" life, literally. Unable to bring himself back down to the ground after performing an extraordinary levitation trick, Eisenheim finds himself suspended in mid air for good. The movie chronicles the struggle to free Eisenheim from his "air prison" and the levitating nightmare that has become his life. Jessica Biel plays the love interest who tries to maintain some semblance of normality for the magician as he goes about his days hovering above the ground like a helium balloon. In those days there was no such thing as support groups, the movie is set in 1905 B.C. This movie is sure to win 6 and a half Oscars. norton is wonderful, bearded and oozing the kind of silent brooding only magicians have.
[edit] Calvin Klein Controversy
Norton was at the center of a very controversial ad campaign by Calvin Klein in 1998. The ad in question featured Norton sporting briefs in Calvin Klein's 'Dare To Be Dangerous' series. The ad came under fire by the media for supposed Pro-Nazi subliminal messages. When asked to comment about these allegations Norton said 'What these fucking sand-niggers don't get is that works of fiction shouldn't be taken seriously. I'm not a Nazi, my man Calvin's not a Nazi. Try telling that to those fucking kikes. This whole country is run by Jews.' Mel Gibson had this to say, 'Edward Norton knows how to advertise a pair of briefs!'
[edit] Winning the UEFA Champions League
In 2005, in preparation for an eventually cancelled film, "The Goal Keeper," Ed Norton visited Liverpool FC for advice on how to successfully portray a goal keeper on screen.
Somehow, Liverpool not only qualified for the knock-out stages of the Champions League, but actually got to the final. Furthermore, due to a series of unfortunate events and a drunken promise from Rafa Benitez, Norton found himself in goal for the final. Unfortunately, Norton had learnt everything he knew about goal keeping from Liverpool's' coaching staff. This led him to believe that as a goal keeper, he was expected to let goals in. He successfully accomplished this feat of acting in the fist half, three times.
During the half time interval, Milan Goal keeper, Dida (also an aspiring actor) met Norton to get his autograph, during a brief talk, Dida let slip that the job of a goal keeper was to try and stop the ball going into the net, and that the team with the highest score wins.
Upon hearing this, Norton realised his mistake and promptly gave the rest the team a crash-course in acting, instructing them on how to act like they could play football. Through out the second half, Norton and his men acted like a good football team. Norton also acted out an epic double save against AC Milans' striker, Shevchenko, a move which later won him an Oscar, in the rather obscure category of "Best Double Save Against Andriy Schevchenko in a Champions League Final." In which he beat fellow nominees Martin Sheen and Wesley Snipes.
Thanks to Norton's pep talk, Liverpool were able to act out three goals in the second half, taking the teams to extra time, and then to penalties.
During penalties, Norton had to call upon all his acting powers to win the cup, a move that consequently caused him to lose control of his legs. Norton acted out the first two saves, but had over-acted, and so had to recharge his ability, allowing Milan to get two back. Thankfully his ability had recharged in time for him to save the final penalty against Schevchenko.
To this day, Schevchenko and Norton aren't on speaking terms.
[edit] Trivia
In 2000 after the mild success of "Fight Club" he started a secret celebrity fight club with members ranging from Henry Rollins to Michael Ian Smith. It ended after somebody hit him in the fucking ear.
