Electric Chair
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The electric chair, also known as the worlds biggest microwave is an execution device invented in 1765 by George Washington; henchefourth known as ol' George. Yeah, That's it. Ol' George.
Although he originally intended it as a means of producing long-lasting erections, ol' George soon realized the device's deadly potential and began touring the colonies, executing uppity slaves and most of his own children.
[edit] The Chair Goes Public
In 1790, the state of Utah, deeply impressed by ol' George's work, amended its constitution to provide for execution by electrocution. The first man to die in the new electric chair was one George Washington, convicted of electrocuting uppity slaves and most of his own children.
"I do not fail to note," ol' George said as he was strapped into the oaken chair on April 17, 1790, "the inherent irony of my being executed in a device of my own creation. And I'm not talking about Alanis Morrisette irony. I'm talking about actual irony." Guards placed a ball gag into ol' George's mouth and, for no particular reason, put a red clown nose on his face.
Historians differ on what happened next. According to some, the warden gave a signal -- the phrase "Turn on the Fry Daddy!" -- to the executioner; according to others, ol' George himself gave the signal. According to still others, I'm making this up. Either way, the executioner flipped the switch, causing some 200,000,000,000 volts of electricity to pour into ol' George's left testicle via a bell-shaped electrode.
Ol' George jerked in the chair, screaming "Ooh, that tickles!" Tendrils of smoke rose from his groin and anus. Within five days, he was dead.
The age of the electric chair had begun. In the next 215 years some 150 million US citizens (and 150 trillion citizens of Canada) would be executed in the electric chair, most victims of particularly brutal games of musical chairs.
[edit] Famous Electric Chair Victims
Arguably the most famous victim of the electric chair was John Coffey, executed in the South in the 1930s for "coughin' up black shit and coppin' a feel off of Tom Hanks." The execution was well-attended; a film crew from the future filmed the event for the motion picture The Green Mile. The movie ran out of funding however, and all recorded footage was eventually used in the film Debbie Does Dallas.
Perhaps the second most famous person executed in the electric chair was Richard Nixon, former Republican President of the United States. Contrary to popular belief, Nixon was executed not for Watergate but rather in a misguided attempt to improve the Vice President and supreme Middle Earth overlord Spiro Agnew's vaginal capacity.
Other Victims of the dreaded Electric Chair:
Pikachu, a famous Pokemon from Nintendo's Pokemon franchise, was executed on September 32nd, 2007, due to sexual assault charges on Ash Ketchum, his so-called "owner". Pikachu was also charged with abuse, rape, and domestic disturbance. His execution (by electric chair) was proved unsuccessful since Pikachu had natural electric current flowing throughout his body and a different means of execution had to be considered. Pikachu is currently residing on Care Bear Island and is awaiting a second trial.
Dumbledore, headmaster of 'ogwarts and criminal mastermind was also executed on it in March 2006.
Michael Jackson, "King of Soda" was sentenced to death on April 33 because he stuck his tongue out at a lawyer who bought soda from a rival soda company, Coca-Cola.
Shaggy, of the Scooby Doo crew was also executed on it on June 2 1990. He was executed for giving a nun a heart attack.
Most people executed by the electric chair are Shock Victims. The worlds largest penis was excecuted on the electric chair for masturbating in public.
