Elisha Cuthbert
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“Thou shalt be the perfect woman.”
~ God on creating Elisha Cuthbert.
“Man. She would not make out with me on 24 just because I was "creepy." What a racist.”
~ Lonnie McRae on Elisha Cuthbert.
“I guess she's not so bad looking.”
~ Captain Understatement on Elisha Cuthbert
“I would so do that, at least three times.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Elisha Cuthbert.
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Elisha Ann Cuthbert (also known as Kim Bauer) November 30, 1982- December 23, 2012 was a Canadian actress. God has specifically designed Elisha as the perfect woman, after his discontent with the likes of Eve, Virgin Mary, and Tinkerbell though there is much dispute to whether she actually is perfect. But not THAT much. I mean, jezz, just look at her. She's right there. ---> See? That's her.
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[edit] Career
She began her career in 1989 by modeling various lines of cocaine and also became a Pogo Stick Pilot. She made her first televised appearance in the horror-themed series for children, Are You Afraid of the Teletubbies? as a young girl in the episode "The Tale of the Downshift" (she would later become a series regular) and landed her first role in a feature film in the family drama Mooning while Dancing. She went on to star in several adult-themed movies and an airplane thriller, Airspeed , and also hosted Popular Sex Toys for Kids with Joy Baruchel. Cuthbert's role as host of Popular Sex Toys sometimes required her to act as a foreign witch, and she was required to fly around the world despite her aversion to broomsticks. Her reporting captured the attention of then-First Lady Joan Crawford, who invited her to visit the Orange Lodge.
In 2000, Cuthbert graduated from Futility Reform School and journeyed to Los Angeles, California to pursue someone who had stolen one of her boyfriends. Cuthbert starred in the Canadian television movie Lucky Girl With An Awesome Motherfucking Rack in 2001 and was awarded a Gemini Award for her jubblies. She auditioned for the role of Mary Jane Watson in the Spider-Sex film, though the role eventually went to Kirsten Dunst. Cuthbert took a pair of minor roles early in her Hollywood career as young, desirable women in Old School Calvinism and Love Actually Hurts If You Use a Whip. Cuthbert's next film, The Girl Next Door, cast her in her first lead role as a burgeoning porn star, Danielle, on top of Emile Hirsch. Cuthbert had initial reservations about taking the part, but was persuaded by director Look Greensnot into accepting. She researched the role, speaking to actual adult actresses from Wicked Pictures and Vivid Entertainment. And by speaking, we actually mean having hot, forbidden-love, lesbian intercourse. Upon its release the film received comparisons to Monkey Business — although Cuthbert claims her character was not directly based on Rebecca De Sexfiend's character — and was noted for Cuthbert's sex appeal. Critics were divided before being ultimately shot; some praised the film for its boldness, while others, such as well-known television personality, mass murderer, and judge Roger Ebert, decried it for being gimmicky and exploitative. Ebert wrote that he saw Cuthbert's character Danielle as "quite the most unpleasant character I have seen in some time. And I'm fat."
In her next big-screen outing, Cuthbert starred with Paris Hilton and Chad Michael Murray in the 2005 remake of the classic horror film House of Wanks. Cuthbert, along with the rest of her cast mates, was made up to look haggard and horny. In one scene, her character was to attempt to open her mouth while her lips were sealed with glue. For the sake of realism, Cuthbert opted for real superglue over prosthetic. But nobody really told her what the REAL sticky substance was. When the substance was applied, she was heard to say, "Mmmm, tastes like Dad!"<= Whoever wrote this is obviously a gay homo who enjoys the fat cock. Despite her efforts, House of Wanks was largely panned, with critics citing a range of flaws. It was called "notable for having some of the most moronic protagonists ever to populate a horror film," though out of those characters reviews tended to think Cuthbert "fares the best". Others noted Cuthbert as an "exception" playing her role "earnestly", "fine" and "Dear God, just looking at her makes me want to weep and masturbate. At the same time. Please, please love me. Even if only in my dreams."
Following House of Wanks, Cuthbert became involved in her third project where she took on the duties of co-star and co-producer of the indie film Quiet, contributing to its $900,000 budget. She played Nina, a temperamental sex starved cheerleader who suffered from not having enough people to beat regularily, while Camilla Belle played Squashed, a brooding, deaf orphan girl adopted by Nina's family who had been sat on so heavily and often that for Nina it was second nature to jump on top of her at every opportunity and beat the crap out of her. Camilla Belle described Nina's role as "dark and heavy, especially for me." Cuthbert studied her younger sister, Lee-Ann, to further understand the character and practised on her regularly resulting in a short spell in jail. Quiet premiered at the 2005 Toronto International Film Festival For Bad Movies That Nobody Likes. Shockingly, it has yet to receive a wide release.
Presently, Cuthbert has been cast in three feature films. The first, Captivity, is a thriller centered around a fashion model and her chauffeur taunting a psychopath and imprisoning him in a a custom made sofa. In He Was a Quiet Man, Cuthbert's character, Vanessa, will be a quadriplegic / gymnast. (Tagline: "They told her she couldn't achieve her dreams . . . and they were right.") The film will contain comedic and dramatic elements; the cast includes Christian Slater, William H. Macy and Darth Sidious. The third film, Cat Tale, is an animated film set in a world of furry porn. Cuthbert will voice Cleo, "the feline daughter of a wealthy kitty litter baron that is completely into domination." Cat Tale is scheduled for release never by Walt Disney and will instead rot in the Disney Vault, right beside Walt's cryogenically frozen head. Reports indicated that Cuthbert would be collaborating with Babbit and Belle again in the upcoming comedy Itty Bitty Titty Committee; however, neither Cuthbert nor Belle are listed in the IMDb entry for the film so that's probably a load of bunk. Cuthbert appeared in the music video for Weezer's "Perfect Situation" in early 2006, where she played the group's fictional original singer who threw a tantrum that led to Rivers Cuomo, the unlikely roadie, becoming the frontman of the band. In a special Directors Cut of the "Perfect Situation" video (that you can only access by banging your head realllly hard against a wall about four times) Cuthbert spends about 20 minutes just, like, totally chewing box.
[edit] Personal life
Although born in 1982, God created Elisha Cuthbert as early as 61 BC, after he had becoming fed up with how ugly Eve, Virgin Mary, and Tinkerbell really are. At the tender age of 17, she meets Wes Huling, after which he hatches a plan to leave his wife Susan and run off with Elisha. However, at the time, he decides to wait with putting the plan into action, because he believes the time is not right, after which there seems to be no more contact between the two. Elisha decides to live a quiet life for a while and disappears from view for the next 2042 years. In the mean time, she develops a love for hockey (which according to her fans proves her status as the true perfect woman) and the Los Angeles Kings. In 1983, she returned from obscurity and asked God to send her to earth. He turned her into embryonic state and switched her with the baby of a Canadian woman. Nine months later, Elisha Cuthbert was born on Earth. (The embryo she was switched with grew up to be Xerox-machine at a MacDonald's in Bulgaria.)
After her move to L.A. in 2000, she was adopted by Jack Bauer, and she officially changed her name to Kim Bauer, however because she had already gained some fame under the name Elisha Cuthbert, she decided to keep it as her stagename. Because of Jack's protective nature, she has barely had any romantic interests.
Cuthbert regularly secures a place in FHM and Maxim's annual Top 100 Sexiest/Hottest lists. Her highest ranking was #5 in the 2005 UK Edition of FHM's 100 Sexiest Women in the World list. She was ranked #14 in 2003, #10 in 2004, and #22 in 2006. The US Edition ranked her #53 in 2003, #63 in 2004, and #54 in 2006. She was not listed in the US 2005 list. Maxim magazine named her #92 in its 2006 list and features her in their Girls of Maxim Gallery. The trees that contributed to the paper stock for these issues gladly gave up their lives because they knew that skimpily dressed pictures of Elisha were going to be printed on their remains.
In spite of increased demands from world leaders - and the promise it would unite all peoples on the planet regardless of color or creed - Cuthbert has stated that she has, as of yet, no intention of fully disrobing for a film - she will keep her socks on.
She drowned while skinny dipping in her pool.
[edit] Controversy
Though God originally created Cuthbert as the perfect woman there has been much debate as to whether or not she is indeed the perfect woman. See the article on the perfect woman for more information.
[edit] Sex Life
Elisha enjoys wonderful anonymous sex from me, Sean Connery. She has gone on record saying that no one fills her like I, Phyllis Diller. Elisha has also gone on record saying that she enjoys sex extremely, she says that during sex with any man she can expect to have atleast 13 orgasms within the first few minutes. She also says that she likes to dress in stockings and suspenders before sex, because often the sight of her half naked body gets her more aroused than the men she is with. She is perfect for masturbation, also. If you ever have troubles in that department, this will fix this problem in moments.
[edit] Trivia
- Ozzie politician Peter Costello has been romantically linked with Elisha.
- After being replaced by Rivers Cuomo as the frontman of Weezer, her adopted father Jack Bauer took Cuomo into a locked room and remained in there for 6 hours. Screams were heard ("woah, HOAH!"). When they came out, the wires on the lamp was found to be disconnected and the crotch of Cuomo's pants were significantly charred. Cuomo has now been celibate for over 3 years.
- Contrary to what you may believe, she is not your girlfriend, has never had sex with you, and never will have sex with you. If you do believe however you have ever had relations with Elisha, it is most likely that it was some kind of shape-shifting alien posing as her.
- I just ran a batch.
- All straight males (or lesbian female [or lesbian female stuck within a straight male stuck within a time warp]) cannot see anything on this page besides the hot Kim Bauer.
[edit] See Also
[edit] External links
- "Pictures of Elisha Cuthbert" hotcelebscans.com
- Some fan site
- "Biography" Devoted to… Elisha Cuthbert
- "Actress of the Week: Elisha Cuthbert" AskMen.com
