Elizabeth Dole

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Elizabeth Dole, born March 18, 1906 in Grand Rapids, Mich. to Harrell and Louise Macabes, a Lithuanian-American family of traveling rock distributors. They brought "Liddy" up on the principals of complete bathing, even if it means being nude, and never breathing when one sleeps. Today Dole no longer requires oxygen.

[edit] Early life

She met her future husband Robert Karamchand Dole in a Denny's Quality Restaurant location in Mayors Income, Tenn., where Robert was plying his trade as a balloon animal artist under the name "Bocko the Smiling Hobo." The two met and conceived their first child that very night behind the cardboard compactor at Walgreens, where Robert moonlighted. Sadly, immediately after completing the act, Robert's penis was mangled in the compactor, leading to a lifetime of shame and hatred, in which he was forced to "stud Liddy out" to keep her in his confidence.

From the time of her marriage on, Elizabeth Dole cherished her role as "helpmeet" and preferred to give Robert the spotlight. She raised their children, Margaret, Greg and Porter, and occupied her busy days with digging "mock graves" on the grounds of the Doles' large Montana estate. Her annual Easter egg hunts were discontinued at about this time.

"Liddy" went on to become president of the American Red Cross and cooperated with Osama bin Laden on several occasions in her many mission trips to Afghanistan in the late 1980s. Rumors of an alleged affair were never confirmed, though a jealous Robert did for a time have a darker tan and allowed his beard to grow out; he shaved it after he was surpised to learn his facial hair was a flaming red from all the experimentation performed on him by the American intelligence after World War II.

[edit] Present life

Today Elizabeth Dole is publisher emeritus for the "American Honky Tonk Now" newsletter and focuses on her church duties as mother board president and virginity inspector.