Elmo

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“Mmmm... don't squirm...”

~ Elmo on a small child

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Elmo, as seen on TV

Elmo is a sexy Puppet on the television show Sesame Street. He is a small red incubus with large, cartoon-like eyes and an orange-colored nasal cavity that oozes red snot. He currently hosts Elmo's World, which is aimed at providing more Elmo, because Elmo is the best medium for PBS to brainwash our young children into beliveing giggling wads of cuteness is a good thing. Reportedly Kevin Clash's spirit is trapped inside of Elmo, and for that we feel bad.

Elmo likes to have hot hate sex with your mother. Elmo was born in 1154, which would mean he is not very old, yet he claims he is 3-and-a-half, to get close to the toddlers who watch his show and get mind warped. He frequently refers to himself in the third person because his daddy used to spank him too much, so after his skin turned from a dark purple to the light red seen today, he started liking little boys.

He has a monkey named Bubbles and whenever Bubbles acts up he has to feed shit to his monkey. According to his autobiography, "I have to shit-feed my monkey when it acts up. But I always make sure to tell it first, 'this is going to feel alot better for me than it is for you'.

Producers wanted to steer the show back towards original Sesame Street content before what they called "Red Dawn" but the volume of sales and ratings kept them from doing so.

Sesame Street staff writer Nancy Sans once described Elmo's origins: "There was this creepy red puppet in the corner of the room, but nobody wanted to use him for fear that he would scare the children. However, our puppet designer changed him into what you see today, by means of various plastic surgery methods, specifically in the nose." Elmo quickly caught on and was a huge star with other muppet actors shoved to the background and the content of the shows changing dramatically. Grover and Two Headed Monster were kept but Sweet'ums left for the Muppet Show never to return.

Elmo's biggest fan.

A popular doll called the Tickle Me Elmo was manufactured in his likeness, and became the must-have toy during the Christmas season in 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, and 2005. Elmo dolls fetched top dollar prices on places like ebay where people paid ungodly sums of money for them, all so that their children will love them. In some parts of Europe, Gypsies would stop dealing with children and would deal with Tickle me Elmo dolls. Elmo dolls were so desired that retail stores would turn into urban war zones akin to Detroit.

Elmo popularity at this point started into, like, a major fucking downfall dude, especially after a public meeting in 2000 where Elmo, blunted on some bad-ass buds, groped a 56 year old woman and later that year keyed a car outside the Diamond Mine Strip Club. He was out on bail of $500 a day later and assigned 60 hours of community service. Elmo continued to alienate himself from television stars that he already had bad blood with. Elmo made noise about going over to The Learning Channel, but never did.

[edit] Other Elmo Toys

Lets Play Hooky Elmo
Robbing a Liquor Store Elmo
Mighty Morphin Power Elmo
Stick em' up Elmo
Sink in Quicksand Elmo
Tickle Tit And Dick Elmo
Watch him crap Elmo
Uncle Fester Elmo
Dirty Liberal Elmo
Poopy Party Elmo
Mister Rogers Elmo, with real molesting actions and a toupee.
Cody Petts Edition Elmo with real roid raging action
Special limited edition Gunman Elmo
Evil Kill You Elmo

The Cody Petts edition was the most troublesome of all the Elmos. He was ostracised from Sesame Street after allegations of steroid abuse Elmo got a gun and ran big bird over with a Ford Ranger, after that incident Elmo went rouge and was last seen in Fucking Austriadoing more steroids and smoking a digeredoo sized hooka and doing anabolic steroids laced with a low grade platypus tranquillizer.

Elmo was the star of the 1999 full-length, theatrically-released motion picture Elmo in Pornland, however Elmo claims that he never got paid (or laid) for those movies, and is currently waiting for his payment and hooker. Upon receiving his payment three years later, it is reported that he spent it on meth to smoke in the washroom of a local walmart with Ronald Mcdonald. Producers found Elmo turning to shit on the floor and was rushed to a hospital. Elmo upon learning he would have to pay for the hospital bill, through a fit and hurt three nurses on his way out of the building to get drunk.

Elmo also appeared in a fifth season episode of The West Wing. In the March 3, 2001 episode "Eppur Si Muove", Elmo receives a medical check-up from Abbey Bartlet, the First Lady, and cheekily questions her about the validity of her medical license. He later states that, "Elmo did not know that Elmo was being filmed, and Elmo did not find out that information until after filming ended. Elmo is very angry about that." Elmo at first was a nice creature, subtle and playful, until he fucked Lauren Ghram. Their foray into porn didn't go well even though Elmo attempted to get a spot on the show again but sadly wasn't allowed and was then banned from NBC. Elmo tried to pull strings to get back onto PBS as an on air pornstar, but was denied and was told that he may be able to get a worthwhile position, but he didn't like that. After kicking the contact, Elmo was ejected from the house and was not seen on the property again, until 4 days later when they caught him at 8 am humping the neighbor's dog near the sprinklers.

[edit] Elmos crimes

Impregnating Prairie Dawn out of wedlock and leaving her with the baby.
Stealing from Maria's dressing room. Maria reportadly has had over 3 pairs of shoes and 4 pairs of panties missing during Elmo's tenure on Sesame Street.
Robbing Mr Hooper's after David died.
Killing David and blaming it on an illness
Using racist slurs leading to riots on the set of Sesame Street when reffering to people as "puppets".
Giving Mister Rogers And Gene Wilder Blowjobs While Reciting "How To Steal Suppositories From Poopytown".
Two counts of aggravated assault for beating Fraggles.
Running over Big Bird with a Ford Ranger (Special Cody Petts Edition Elmo)
Getting Bert to take the rap for many of his crimes, promising to "take care of him while he's in the joint" and then forgetting about him.

Mister Rogers wanted elmo to appear on his show, but elmo never showed up.

[edit] Elmo Today

Elmo tried to get a career going again by connecting with various Fraggles and other washed up kids stars in a one time only concert event. Elmo's fur was looking thin, almost pink and many of the Fraggles were battling drug dependancy or weight issues. The promoters took a bath on the whole project and Elmo was gone again from the public eye. As if to add further salt to the wounds, PBS put out a classic collection of Sesame Street DVDs which are all free of Elmo. Public eye was again back on Sesame Street and it's ratings improved well back to pre Elmo levels. Elmo was not asked to come back to the show and reportedly lives at home with his parents and he drives a Gremlin.