Elton John
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“Someone saved, Someone saved, Someone saved Elton John's life tonightâ€
~ Tonight
“Don't let your son go down on meâ€
~ Elton John
“I've never heard of the lass.â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Elton John
Elton John (or Dwight Reginald)is considered one of the world's foremost golfers, robotologists, longshoremen and biologists. Most notably, he has been credited for the inventions the meaning of the word "planet" and the Ballpoint Pen.
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[edit] Early Years
His first claim to fame was in one of the first Coronation Street episodes as a passing drunk at the Rovers, later proving priceless work experience as he broke in to the music industry and was recognised by a many people (including his mum). The pair of them bought his CD, making his profits rise into the tens of pounds. His career has escalated from there.
[edit] Climbing the Ladder
In one of the greatest movies of all time- The Lion King, Elton lent his musical talents, but it's a little know fact that his singing was dubbed over by a screaming baboon, and nobody could tell the difference. It's ironic that the baboon’s version sold over 3 million more than all of Elton’s previous albums put together. Unfortunately, the baboon (Nigel) didn't get any royalties as a result of a freak harpoon accident, but Elton only commented by saying 'Oops'.
[edit] Life Gets Better
On New Year's Eve, in the year of the flying tree squirrel, a drunken Elton John was seen straddling a turkey, wearing only granny knickers and a frying pan selotaped around his midriff, using selotape and not geese, which was the most common adhesive of the era. However geese had become extinct the previous year due to the rampage of Godzilla. On his turkey, he rode through the streets of Watford screaming 'I love you Dave, I really do!' Dave was later revealed to be the turkey’s name. Dave was spared from being killed for the dinner table the following Christmas, and now shares Elton’s mansion (built with baboon royalties), and looks forward to inheriting the glorious abode at the event of Elton’s death.
[edit] The Pigeon Incident
In Yorkshire, the famous pigeon-Noel (incorrectly named ESP by a drunken hobo) was proclaimed to be the missing link in the evolution of pigeon to man having been blessed with 5 toes. However in a fight over a park bench with local upcoming celebrity- Elton John, he lost one of these toes in an Ozzy Osbourne like incident (it was bitten off by Elton). Elton was later given the prestigious title of Pigeon Mouth and hated by pigeon lovers throughout the 7 seas.
When all said and done, the pigeon did excrete onto Elton’s pie which happened to be cooling on the bench beside him. He received a scratched eye for the trouble he took to dislodge the toe from the foot, hence leaving him to wear horrendous glasses for the rest of his days. This was mostly due to the fact he couldn't yet afford to visit his local Specsavers and he actually did enjoy wearing the stupid glasses found in the pound-basket of a nearby Oxfam. To try to repair his damaged reputation in the pigeon world, he resorted to selling 2nd hand Christmas trees off the back of his glitter spray painted moped. All proceeds went straight to a newly set up charity for the protection of pigeon toes (PPT).
[edit] Unicorns
Unicorns are said to make their home on Elton’s property- others say this is an urban myth. Coincidently, Elton contributes towards the fastest growing glue works this side of Dartmoor. Due to his generous donations, Elton's grand mansion is conglomerated entirely of Elmer’s unicorn glue, which they promise isn't made of Unicorns or Geese.
[edit] If I Put These Bits of Puccini in a Different Order Nobody Will Notice (1953)
Elton's first minor success in the music business came in the form of "If I Put These Bits of Puccini in a Different Order Nobody Will Notice", a song that he and the "Nasty old Women of England" (his reggae group at the time) wrote in the early 1950s. Elton has since referenced this song in many of his songs including "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" and "Shit I'm gay!".
[edit] Life gets Even Better
His short life was cut shorter by a short person. He happened to be taking part in a high end panto at the time. Despite this, he has been seen in Manchester's Canal Street and at Kylie concerts.
[edit] Eltonianism
Elton "The Raging Bison" John forms the figurehead for one of the larger world religions: Eltonianism. Eltonians (or Eltonianists, as they are called every third tuesday in march) hold the belief that the universe was created by The Elton Himself and his four disciples, John, Paul, George and Ringo. Legend has it it took The Elton seven days to write 'Saturday Night's Alright (For Fighting)', and on the seventh day, when first it was played, its sheer awesomeness actually brought the universe into being. Eltonians cite the fact that the stars were designed after Elton's glasses as further proof of this. The position of the devil, or antichrist, is taken by Cliff Richard, for obvious reasons. Eltonianism is a strictly pacifist religion except on saturday night.
| Preceded by: Chevy Trailblazer | President of the United States 525-567 AD | Succeeded by: The Unknown Bassist |
| Preceded by: Mario | Prime Minister of Canada 525-567 AD | Succeeded by: Michael J. Fox |
| Mythical United States Presidents |
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1st Eris Discordia → George Washington Carver → Billie Jean → Ruby Tuesday → Escape Key → Spark Notes → Jayson Blair → Garfield → Elvis Presley → 10th Thomas Jefferson → Michael Jordan → Ronald McDonald → Doris Day → Ayn Rand → Kermit the Frog → Teddy Ruxpin → Aretha Franklin → King Kong → Barbie → 20th Escape Key (2) → Fillard Millmore → Grover Cleveland → Harper Lee → Grover Cleveland (2) → Beetle Bailey → Grover Cleveland (3) → Abraham Lincoln → Chevy Trailblazer → Elton John → 30th The Unknown Bassist → Satan → Nicole Ritchie → Billy Ocean → Calvin Coolidge → Tom Cruise → Charles Nelson Reilly → Bill Clinton → George W. Bush → 40th Dick Cheney → Saddam Hussein → Ashlee Simpson → Emmanuel Lewis → Calvin Klein → John Kerry → Lyndon Baines Johnson → Jerry Seinfeld → Oprah Harpo 5932 → Bill Clinton v 2.0 → 50th Zsa Zsa Gabor → Madonna → Me → Your mom → Jesus H. Christ → Teeth → 56th Bob |
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