Elva

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Elva is a city near Tallinn. It is the most famous city in Estonia, because the legend says that Michael Jackson visited it once. After that moment all male citizen of Elva like to molest juvenile boys. To be really honest, a few dastards molest young girls too, but they tell that there's more young girls than boys in Elva and it is just substitute.

[edit] Population

There live about 6000 people in Elva. 5999 of them live in one communal barn. There is one communal well and when somebody empty his/hers blatter in it, all others are mad for about 8 seconds. After ninth second they forget it, because the typical brushup time of Elva's citizen is the same as brushup time of Esox. The natural growth of Elva is highly negative, mainly because all older males love to make love with young males and those few who sleep with young girls are sterile anyway.

[edit] Architecture

As said there is one barn in Elva. It is typical estonian barn, it contains four walls and roof. And it is pretty decomposed. Anyway there is two buildings more in Elva. One is a local pub called "death badger" known also as "rotten badger" or "mad badger". And the second is town hall. It had a watchtower too, but a terrorist named Usamah Ibn Ladn drove a plane in it four years ago. After that all people in Elva view time from sun.

[edit] Political background

The meer is a man called Hr. Kepp (mr. Fuck). When he go out from office he says to his secretary: "Kui keegi keppi tahab, siis las helistab mulle mobiilile" (When anybody wants to fuck, let him call to my cell phone). He is the only politician in Elva, all others have something more interesting to do, like drink beer, pray a local god, "striitreiss" or just hang out and pretend that they are the coolest and funniest human beings in the galaxy.

[edit] Entertainment

The main place where to look entertainment in Elva is the same Death Badger pub. That is place where you can buy a cup of homemade moonshine that tastes like cheap soviet low-octane car fuel, but after that cup you feel yourself like a local hero. Be aware - you would meet other "local heroes" too, and there is a small chance that they kick your ass. They mostly wear sportsuits or "look, my balls are heavier than yours"-style jeans, a baseball cup and earrings. So if you see someone that looks like that, please let that moonshine to desk and get away. The other entertainment method is a meaningless drinking and after that crawling on all fours to the barn. It is like local contest, the winner is a person who have drunk the most and arrives at barn the first. Sometimes tourists would hear some arguing a la "I drunk two litres of vodka yesteraday and I am the champion! - No, you ain't, I drunk four litres!" Third entertainment is "striitreissing". It is the most dangerous of the three, not just because it means racing with cars, but the most popular car is a 30 yrs old soviet car called "kopejek". As all soviet cars it is not meant for riding, it is meant for watching, all non-soviet persons who have tried to drive it, have killed in mysterious accidents. But people of Elva drive them and god himself knows why they haven't had any serious accidents, maybe it's because Elva is not too hilly and thereby the official maximum speed ever attained is about 20 mph. Arguably one Opel made 25 mph, but it had an engine and because of that it is not an official record.

Although Elva is a nice small town and you all are welcome when you are tired being a urbanized million town citizen.