Elvis Presley

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“It's my world and he still lives in it.”

~ Frank Sinatra on Elvis

“Elvis isn't really dead, He's impersonating himself in Las Vegas. He's quite good at it too.”

~ Aelphais on Elvis

“I met him at a party in the county jail once.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Elvis

“The King ain't dead; he just went home.”

~ Tommy Lee Jones on Elvis

“I shot a man in Reno once, just to watch him die.”

~ Johnny Cash on Elvis

“Johnny Cash got on Elvis last night.”

~ Tingle on Elvis and Johnny Cash <3

Elvis Larry Presley

Term of office:

1969 – 1974

Preceded by:

Lyndon B. Johnson

Succeeded by:

Gerald Ford

Date of birth:

1935

Place of birth:

Texas

Date of death:

n/a

Place of death:

n/a

First Lady:

n/a

Political party:

Elvisocracy

Elvis Reginald Dwight David Presley or Alvis Presli(1935 BC - ~~1977~~ ~~1979~~ ~~1982~~ ~~1985~~ ~~1986~~ ~~1989~~ ~~1992~~ ~~1994~~ ~~1997~~ ~~1999~~ ~~2000~~ ~~January 2002~~ ~~October 2002~~ ~~2003~~ ~~2005~~ ~~Christmas 2006~~ ~~February 2007~~ ~~Memorial Day 2007~~ ~~Last week~~ Present), popularly known as "The Devourer of Worlds", is a world-famous Dwarf rap artist, Savage Messiah, Lord High Duke of The Ghetto (Formerly known as The Artist Formerly Known As Prince) and considered as the most evil entertainer in the universe, maybe except from Vogons.

1 Biography
2 Conspiracy Theories
3 Favorite Foods
4 Additional Information
5 Philosophically speaking...
6 Did you know?
7 See Also

Biography

Early life

Elvis was the child of an black mother and Jewish father. He was born on January 8th, 1935 BC and was known for his success as a nude waiter. His accounting skills developed while his family were nomads, time travelling along the coast of Long Iceland. Famously, his method for sexing chicks is one of relatively few to hinge on the loose-leaf system.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Elvis Presley.

He was the 37th President of the United States with Richard M. Nixon, Elvis was the puppetmaster, Nixon the puppet. His dad and sister then wife, Courtney Love, became famous for deconstructivist architecture. Elvis was the contributing physicist to the fluxcapacitor, used in the Delorean car of "Back to the Future", this type of time travel doesn't follow Terminator rules thus winning Elvis and Dr. Brown a Nobel prize.

Elvis had a minor mental problem whereby he could only turn a TV off by shooting it, thereby ensuring the everlasting sponsorship of the Japanese electronics industry.

Crowning and Reign

In 1950, he was officially crowned the King of Crap after a rather bloody revolution overthrowing the former rulers.Elvis Was Also A bitch who stoled black music.His original name was Schicklgruber, but this was anglicized to "DePreslies", and later, due to large anti-fungal sentiment during the Gulf War, he changed his name to Parsley. He is the name-giver to the term depression as he depressed his ethics for the sake of getting rich.

His Political Party, the Dinner Party, now has a huge boost in membership during his Presidential Reign. It also could be a result of his Reign as the King of Rock and Roll.

He fled to Djibouti in 1324, shortly before his dictator period. This was due to the fact that a money whore had tricket him into travelling with him and becoming a famous Rock'n'Roll star. Unfortunally he never got the big breakthrough he allways wanted, and therefor returned to his home county to become the next President. He was also a midget who could carry a truck with a weight of 1000345pounds

Competitive eating

Many think that he died in 2004 by eating way too many buffalo wings, but it is elitist nonsense spewed by the snobbish New England intelligents. Everybody knows he just died on the toilet. He always wears Alex Chiu's immortality devices, thus still lives in bad health.

During his retirement, he had a stint at trying for an entry in the book of Guinness World Records. It was for maximum number of hip movements per minute. After many unsuccessful attempts, he finally did it when he achieved 497 hip gyrations in 5 minutes. No one since has been able to take that record away from him.

Present and future

Today, Elvis resides in a triple-wide mobile home at an undisclosed location in Transylvania. A residence he shares with Princess Diana, John Kennedy, Jesus Hasselhoff, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King Jr. his wife/sister Courtney Love and his son Tim Hiram Walker. He was recently abucted by FNORDian queen Amelia Earhardt, and made into her love slave. It is unclear whether he lives in space on Amelia's UFO, or in the mobile home at this point in time. What is known is that The Burger King and Elvis have an ongoing feud, which reached its peak as they battled for The One Ring.

He recently became crowned as the king of Dwarves, which is kinda weird because he is about 7 feet tall. He is now the king in 8 nations. He is also believed to be the criminal mastermind of a small British cult dedicated to caring for sheep. [1] and [2]

Nixon and Elvis

There is overwhelming evidence in Nixon era documents that Elvis's death was in fact faked. Actually Elvis is living in the lap of luxury in Cuba. This was all arranged by a Henry Kissinger in a brokered deal with Fidel Castro. Fidel knew having Elvis would ensure no future president would dare invade Cuba as long as Elvis was alive and well. This may be the explanation for why Cuba has such good medical care. Keeping the "King of Rock and Roll" alive and well is in Cuba's best interest. Fidel was also aware Elvis had a mortal fear of flying and travel so keeping him in Cuba was no problem. Elvis is living well in Havana Cuba today.

Little is known about the future of Elvis, but this will soon be updated when our time-travellers come back. But this is what we know right now:

In 2023, He will be featured on the cover of Guitar Hero XXVII.
In 2066, Elvis will found an occult terrorist group to aid the Norwegians in their struggle for world domination.
In 2378, Elvis will be elected as the 129th President of the United States.

Conspiracy Theories

As the Weekly World News confirms, Elvis is alive and well.

new evidence, gathered at the eurovision song contest 2007

Numerous fringe conspiracy theorists have concocted bizarre theories that Elvis died in the late 70s due to a drug overdose.

In fact:

Elvis sunk the Titanic accidentally while testing nuclear weapons on penguins, but luckily Shakespear built a submarine out of it's remnants so that Hitler/Elvis/Shakespear/Stalin survived.
Elvis built the Eiffel Tower.
Elvis has a Runescape account "Pifgig".
Elvis was tupac's homeboy
Elvis shot tupac
Elvis raped tupac's dead body
Elvis got caught
Elvis now lives in uber-alcatraz
Elvis was thought to be the returning messiah, but then Jesus sued him for copyright violation.
Elvis is a virgin
Elvis is bald, and usually wears a wig.
Elvis didn't do no drugs.
Elvis doesn't know what drugs are.
Elvis has always been anorexic.
Elvis doesn't know what death is.
Elvis lived such a pure life, he kept a healthy lifestyle, and was not overweight.
He led a Straight Edge lifestyle, and was a vegan.
He helped Richard Nixon get off his marijuana habit.
He was Big Brother.
He is the mole man and live underground in a secret casino,rollercoaster funland (comlete with peanut butter sandwhiches)
His younger brother, Joseph Stalin, is best known for catching Lucky the Leprechaun.
in 1892, Elvis saved a busload of children from certain doom using his amazing flying ability.
In 2006, Elvis saved a man from being eating by a giant ant by using his horrible singing voice to knock the ant out.
Elvis and The Burger King have an ongoing fight, which started over a lawsuit over the name "The King".

Elvis is very much alive, he is now cavorting with the martians and their leader David Bowie, they are now holding a telethon to finance their movement to dethrone the creator,Oscar Wilde. To offer donations or your undying loyalty, call 972-267-8433. However, people do argue that: If you faked your death and went into hiding, only to discover a few years later that your daughter was going to marry Michael Jackson, would you come back and do something about it?

No, I wouldn't, Michael Jackson is a very nice man, and he wouldn't do anything to contradict that.

Unless of course Elvis' daughter is in fact crazy Elvis with a sex change?

The principle ingredient in Elvis' hair gel is ground-up children's bones, apparently the bones of baby seals does not have the same consistency. The bones were supplied via an Indian 'summer camp' (Camp Ref-Ugee) run by a ruthless individual known simply to the locals as 'Ghandi'. The supply deal was finalised after Elvis agreed to supply India with 5 million tons of sand, this is why much of India is barren land. For decades the population has been divided over the issue of Elvis, many who have experienced the negative affects of the sand (e.g. finding it in their vagina) have been unable to let the issue go.

Favorite Foods

The majority of Elvis's favorite foods were unhealthy, unnatural, and downright dangerous. So it would only make sense that we immortilize them as American Foods

The following contains recipes from his cookbook:

Peanut Butter and Spam sandwich - This one is notorious as being a favorite in the southern states such as Alabama. The cooker is typiclly required to wear a NASCAR hat and a flannel shirt for maximum taste.
Pancakes and Bleach - Favored by the kind for its blend of slightly toxic fumes and fluffy texture.
Drugs - Elvis's favorite, he would take strong medicines and mix them together with just a splash of Pineapple juice. He would then blend them with whole oranges and then pour the whole mix over ice. This was considered very healthy at the time, and many people began drinking these so called 'Elvis Shakes'
Roasted Eyeballs with Ant Sauce - Many people in Massachusetts love this shit because of it's crunchy outside and chewy, sticky inside and the sauce made of squished ants they dip it in. People say it tastes like a mixture of cocaine and chicken.
Fetus sandwich - One slice of bread topped with a fetus and rusty nails. This snack powered Elvis's heat vision and gave him the ability to regenerate lost limbs.
Chicken Ass - He first got a taste of this delightful treat after he broke into his neighbor's chicken coup. He would eat up to twenty on sleepless nights (Elvis was an insomniac).

Additional Information

Elvis in Jail

His hair is a natural sandy brown.
He was secretly married to Dawn.
It is rumored that Elvis does not understand the concept of clouds.
An accomplished archaeologist, Elvis was the first to discover and later introduce asps in the Far East.
His favourite Cartoon Character is Emo Hitler.
It is said by the ancient Mesopotomairies that Elvis had a love affair with Ringo Starr aboard his Yellow Submarine.

Philosophically speaking...

Friedrich Nietzsche argued that Elvis was dead.

1. Belief in Elvis is known as Religion.
2. People that think he is alive are called Liberals
3. Those who can't make their bloody minds up are called Agnostics.

Did you know?

...Elvis originally stole this suit from Johnny Cash in 1972.

Elvis has left the building.
Elvis invented porn and gave the idea an acquaintance Hue Hefner in 1953
Elvis & Johnny Cash had the same hairdresser.
Elvis's sister was really Jayne Averill
Elvis did not secretly turn gay in the army.
Elvis has an addiction to hair pomade.
Despite his name, no Elvish blood runs in his veins.
Elvis died while on he was on the toilet. He then reincarnated again.
Did we mention the man died on the toilet? He then reincarnated again.
Elvis was the first to lead the transforming sub-race of pro christ beings known as the autobots, he was later succeeded by Batman, who, unlike Elvis, stayed true to his black roots. This is boring information, so don't read it.
Elvis is the Highlander
Elvis created the first Live Earth show back in the 1950s?
Before Elvis died his guitar broke down on Friday. He sang a song named Elvis' Guitar Broke Down Friday.
His name "Elvis" came from the word "Pelvis"!
Elvis liked to rock on his guitar to emo-core.
Elvis never learned to eat with a spoon till his mid-twenties.
Elvis was the real reason Hitler invaded Poland.
Elvis always wanted to be the pink power ranger.
After winning 1st prize in the worlds first burger munching contests in 1945 just after WW1; the battle of the burgers, he became known as Elvis "Where's my Angus Burger, Bitch?!" Presley