Elvis Costello
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“What's so funny 'bout peace, love, and understanding?!? ... Way to blow your street cred, pinhead.”
~ Oscar Wilde in response to Elvis Costello's slide into hippiedom
Elvis Costello (born Dicklan Big MacAnus), the son of Elvis Presley and Lou Costello, was born in Santiago de Chile no later than 1973.
Famous for combining the superpowers of both parents (karate moves and slapstick humour), Elvis Costello soon became the mortal enemy of Jackie Chan. On the winter of 1962, Costello and Chan tripped into each other, and a brawl started.
Soon, everybody was kung-fu fighting. Kicks and punches were flying all over the place. However Chan quickly imposed himself onto Costello, who was almost blind after losing his glasses during the bitchslapping.
He then moved to Florida and set up a small rebel army to fight the fascist dictator Jerry Bush, the retarded step brother of Neal Diamond. Working secretly as a data entry temp for the NSA he was able to write software for his masterwork Punch the Clock of Stephen Stills.
Elvis Costello on a five day kitten huffing binge experimented with various styles of musical clairvoyance while in a peak experience of ecstatic trance. His frantic skill of song writing led him to create his infamous Get Huffing album with 20,000 songs on each side. No one was actually able to play this record on any turntable with the most advanced stylus in the known universe. This breakthrough vinyl record actually inspired a group of amphetamine wired Japanese fans to invent the CD player with the help of the CIA and a small wood nymph seated on a lucky charm.
Before dying, Costello uttered the phrase "Father, I'm joining you now". After three days in a small tomb outside Nashville he was resurrected and became God’s personal stand up comedian. No one is quite sure who rolled the stone away from the tomb. Some Orthodox fans believe it had to be the handy work of God. Others believe Elvis himself rolled the stone away with his supra-human powers of karate. The first disciple to see Elvis after his resurrection was Diana Krall. God then gave Mr. Costello a bionic arm made of pure gold in which he used to write the lyrics for My Aim is North. And the cover for Diana Krall’s new really weird sexy Christmas CD was inspired directly from this work.
Elvis Costello dubbed himself the Beloved Entertainer during the great moniker gap in the late 80s. This was due to an overwhelming fear of Soviet style monikers such as, the King, the Boss, the Man in Black and the No Talent Hack I Can’t Believe I Just Paid $150 To See My Grandfather Play Tired Folk Songs and He Still Can't Sing!
Elvis Costello continues to bite the hand that feeds him, criticizing the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in his acceptance speech he blurted, “This is an event to amuse an overfed collection of circus freaks! I’m standing here holding this punk ass award, looking out in the crowd and I’ve written, recorded and pulled more songs out of my ass than all you clowns combined!” The crowd erupted in applause. Rolling Stone editor Jann Wenner was said to shriek, “Off with his head!”
Rumours have it that Elvis Costello is a Kobold.
