Oscars
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Awards created with the purpose of formalizing celebrity circle jerking, something more Americans care about that anything else. Winners use a secretive process of election that consists of nominees. These nominees are determined by the following:
- Is the movie financially successful?
- Is the movie well known?
- Will the movie sell more DVDs after it is nominated?
- Was the movie shown no more than three months prior to the Oscar night?
- If we give the Best Actress award to Angelina Jolie, will we get some?
- Can we tell our own ass from a hole in the ground?
- Is there a retarded guy in it?
- Number of Brian Peppers references
- Amount of color removed
- Amount of characters who die
- How ugly the actors\actresses are
- How much weight has he\she gained\lost?
- Has anyone connected to the production recently passed away?
- Does the director's name start with Martin and end with Scoresese?
- How many times did the lead actress sleep with the director? (fewest/most)
The actual selection process is based on the particular sets and musical numbers performed at the showing, as well as the speakers who present the show by reading from a series of 3x5 notecards. Because the show is an elaborate stage play, it only makes sense to downplay the role of certain films while elevating others in the performance. This is determined by the voting results of a selected jury.
The results will directly affect what is and isn't shown in the stage performance. For example, a speaker who comes on stage has already been determined not to win the Oscar. This is called a "sympathy speaker," or "you didn't win this time, but you can make jokes on stage to feel better about yourself."
The Oscar winners will, in fact, have elaborate stage performances celebrating certain scenes or musical numbers, even before the results are announced. While the "results" are kept in an envelope to be read during an America's Funniest Home Videos style drumroll, the entirety of the Oscar results are known entirely beforehand, by all who participate. This includes the set designers, sound technicians, and others who run the stageplay. The speaker who opens the envelope has of course memorized his or her lines, feigning surprise when the results are announced. In some cases, the winning musical number will play before the envelope is completey opened and read, due to the eagerness of the person in charge of pressing the "play" button at the sound stage.
Of course the actors, directors, and all others involved know the outcome to some extent. Not only do they know the results, they in fact influence the results at the last minute. This can come in the form of gifts, monetary gifts, sexual gifts, and the famous "an offer you cannot refuse."
Who are these "judges"? Despite their secrecy and nondisclosure of details, they are actually normal guys sitting in a room together. They turn on the old big screen TV, get out the chips and beer, then sit and watch movie marathons together for days. It's really not that complex. At the end of the day, judges will discuss what they have seen in conversation, stating "yeah that was ok" or "I kind of liked that one, I guess." This leads to movies being nominated not for their inherent quality, but because nothing else was really worth watching that day.
There's also the old saying, "There's no accounting for taste."
Past winners include:
- The Queen
- Best Use of Ink in a Film "Ink Is It"
- Bob Geldof.
- Best Actor: David Tomlinson in Schwastica
- Dude, Where's my Car?
- Homsar
The awards were set up in honour of His Wildeness, Ultimate Pwner, Galactic Emperor, Dark Lord of the Sith, Oscar Wilde.
| People named Oscar |
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| Oscar Wilde • Oscar Wilder • Oscar Mayer • Oscar the Grouch • Oscar Romero • Oscars (Academy Awards) |
