Emo kid
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“Nothing that actually occurs is of the smallest importance.”
~ Oscar Wilde on being an emo
“Just kill them....just get it over with.”
~ Everyone on Emos
Started in 1901 by Sir Edmund Barton, long known to be the world's gayest man, who ran out of distinguishing clothes and decided to wear goofy glasses and woman's pants as a form of protest. The very first "Emo Kid," however, is indubitably Edgar Allan Poe (see death by poetry).
A follower of emo style music. However, if you work with the assumption 'emo' means teenager, you don't have to know the actual definition. They can be destroyed if exposed to sunlight or winds greater in force than 3 knots. A classic example of an emo is "Mr Blobby" as he leads a sad and pointless life that is so dark.
The emo kid has evolved into its own corrupted breed. Whereas many believe that the emos are a breed of their own, this is certainly not the case. Others believing that the emo kid is a division of goth are also wrong, as any goth looking half that ridiculous would have the balls to just kill themselves.
The emo kid is a mixed breed originating from people who badly play guitar solos, who wear their hair long in front short in back, and who are "sensitive".
Let it be known that once corrupted by the bane known as 'Emo-ism', no one will ever return to normal human existance. If caught in the early stages, a proto-Emo can return to decent standards of living, but once past 3 weeks, the proto-Emo will evolve into full-blown Emo, decimating any possible chance of rehabilitaion and treatment.
[edit] Appearance
These individuals share common traits. They are often fat with uncombed hair (could be pushed up bed head or gelled bed head). Clothing varieties can include glasses (most often with dark square rims), multiple piercings, and unbuttoned shirt over t-shirt from Hot Topic, worn out jeans, Converses, and the ubiquitous studded belt that no self-respecting emo kid would be seen without. Problems arise however from the fact that emo kids have absolutely no self-respect.
There are few but significant differences in the appearance of the male and female. Males love to wear tight pants that naturally show off their small peni. They are often thin and sickly frail. Some of them also have a tendency to kiss other males on the lips. This can be analyzed as a strange mating call to attract other females. Males can also be spotted wearing black eye-liner and ridiculous glasses. Keep in mind that males who wear a death/grind metal band shirt just do so to seem "hardcore" . If you see such a thing , ask it the names of two albums by that band and if it can't , beat the shit out of it and steal it's shirt .
The females are much harder to document, however. They more than often are fat and possess multiple chins, as many chins as they have zits. Only the fat ones possess actual tits. Their hair is longer and usually less messy than their male counterparts', and they are unusually less emotional than the males. They are also most likely to show what is known as "cam-whoring" behavior. Though, this is more common in the scene generation, it is still alarmingly common in every online community.
It is common for emo kids to use messenger bags to carry their belongings; typically these include a number of pins ranging from shitty inside jokes that make no sense to anti-war slogans. Car choices tend to revolve around small "econ-boxes," such as Saturns, VWs, or Volvos.
It is interesting to note that Emo supporters widely believe that they are hated for their appearance, also erroneously known as their "style". The truth of the matter is that it is because they are whiny little pukes.
It is a fact that every emo kid has "razor" cuts on their hands. However, one may notice they are always in the incorrect direction so as not to cause death. It is also noted that these are usually caused when the emo kids accidentally cut themselves into cans of "I don't give a flying fuck about your problem" given to them by normal people, although scientists recommend we encourage this behaviour as they are using and testing emo dna hopeing that one day they will create emo garden lawn
Although emos often resemble the opposite gender, you can easily distinguish between emos and transvestites. Transvestites often wear colorful, tasteful clothing and indecent make-up. Emos rarely wear aquamarine and/or sequins. Although their make-up is indecent, they wear less rouge and use more black. Emo scarring is lighter and confined to the wrists.
Emos more closely resemble poser goth people (ex: mall goths, mansonites), although there is a slight difference: emo kids wear tight clothes to cut off circulation and goth-poser kids wear big baggy clothes with chains. Experts hope to discover a hybrid, hoping that chains could catch on and help citizens tell when an emo is nearby, but so far have not discovered any that mate.
I Jacques Paul /surname removed\ (EMO) personally think you are one of the biggest FUCK HEADS pussy liking donkey fucker cat raping ass holes alive.
SO DO US ALL A FAVOUR
fuck off and die .. if you do not know how to kill your self feel free to contact me at:
your a fuck head @ dick . ass
and i will be more than happy to fuck you over and have you kill your self!
[edit] Treatment
In case of contact with emo kids: Seek fresh air immediately. The chemicals contained in the smoke of emo kids' cigarettes are known to the state of California to cause PMS-like symptoms in both males and females who inhale the second hand smoke. Emo kids may try to coerce you into believing that they are constantly and heinously being persecuted, tortured, raped, and discriminated against(cuz they are so very faggy); and that they--being peaceful, loving, tolerant, and cooperative people--are constantly singled out and harassed at large.
This is a totally gay ass shit trick.
Emo kids do this to arouse the sentiment of the unwary listener. Do not feel pity for any emo kid, no matter how pathetic, downtrodden, pitiful, or sad one may appear to be. The phrase, "What're you gonna do emo kid? Write a song about it?" works quite well, as does the favorite, " Go whine about it on your livejournal."
All emo kids are borderline and therefore care must be exercised when dealing with them. For example, be careful not to care. This could be misinterpreted by the widely homosexual emo kids as a sort of "come on", and a full bout of face-humping may ensue.
Emo kids have a tendency to frolic and bump into eachother at their local emo shitshows so they can tell their emo friends that they were in a brutal mosh, in a feeble attempt to appear hardcore and seem less pussy. The truth of the matter is though, they know they will get knocked the fuck out in an actual mosh pit, and are too fucking stupid to admit it. A common practice has been to kick the living shit out of every emo kid that has been hardcore enough to attend your local metal show, hopefully sending them crying back to their packs of mascara ridden fuckbuddies where they will all hug and make eachother feel better.....then fuck their shit
I Jacques Paul /surname removed\ (EMO) personally think you are one of the biggest FUCK HEADS pussy liking donkey fucker cat raping ass holes alive.
SO DO US ALL A FAVOUR
fuck off and die .. if you do not know how to kill your self feel free to contact me at:
your a fuck head @ dick . ass
and i will be more than happy to fuck you over and have you kill your self!
[edit] History
The emo kid trademarks of tight pants, weird haircuts, an elitist attitude, and mediocre music didn't originate with the emos. There is actually a long history of of such groups dating back to the 1960s. It is also believed by many historians and kitten slayers that Emo kids came straight from Elmo. Beleive it or not, it has been told that when you mix the chode of Elmo with a tear drop and a pillow, you get an Emo kid.
The first Emo precursor was the Mod movement in England. Fronted by British rock band The Who, the Mods wore tight jeans, grew their hair long, and mostly listened to American R&B music. They used a lot of LSD and whined about the British government and clean-cut musicians like The Beatles. The Mods usually wore T-shirts with red, white, and blue targets on them. This made them easy to pick out, and they were eradicated by 1970.
Emos today are kept alive by the internet, where they can go to whine about imaginary problems and pretend to have lost their virginity while finding other people who do the same. In reality, all emo males are virgins (except for maybe one of them, and he hired a hooker with his daddy and mommys money) The emo craze is a epidemic of misinformed, self-proclaimed ``non-conformist`` that fail at that more than mall-goths, but still runs rampant among many teenagers who want to "stand out" while still blending into the crowd.
[edit] Emo Disease Theory
From scientific research taken by Eric stenson in the 21st century EMO (Excessive Molecular Occurrence)is possibly a disease related to those culturally known as Emos. Excessive Molecular Occurrence is a genetic disease found in 5.7% of the world's population. According to recent findings the disease weakens a persons psychological character and can result in bouts of depression and large fringes. The disease has also been found to make bearers of the disease vulnerable to corporate scams by the music industry e.g. emo fashions and accessories, manufactured emo bands, emo fringe gel, and commercial self harm.
[edit] Possible cures for diseases suggested by the researchers
- To grab an emo kid and shout loudly into face "Lighten Up!"
- To grab emo fringe and pull until it comes off.
- Burning them all in a pit playing SLAYER music
- To feed them meat
- Masterbating to Barbera StriessAnn
While close by to emo kid play good music loudly in some shape or form (Music of most rock bands from the sixties and seventies. Or even better, HEAVY FUCKING METAL \m/)
Recent discoveries have shown that emo may have evolved from prep, jock,cheerleader and other such viruses and common diseases to humanity. care and precision is recommended in eradicating carriers and hosts alike.
I Jacques Paul /surname removed\ (EMO) personally think you are one of the biggest FUCK HEADS pussy liking donkey fucker cat raping ass holes alive.
SO DO US ALL A FAVOUR
fuck off and die .. if you do not know how to kill your self feel free to contact me at:
your a fuck head @ dick . ass
and i will be more than happy to fuck you over and have you kill your self!
[edit] Emo Kid Farming
Enterprising farmers have attempted to raise and farm emo kids, however have yet to discover an actual need for emo kids, since no one wants them because, honestly, who really wants to deal with a suicidal cam-whore? This is covered extensively in a documentary available online.
[edit] What do you call one emo on the moon?
Problem. emoon
[edit] Announcement to all emo suicidals
Hurry up and do it!!!
I want them to die, they want to die, WHY ARENT THEY DEAD YET!?
[edit] What do you call all of the world's emos on the moon?
Solution.
[edit] Sample of an Emo Entry
- Dear diary, my life is crashing upon me. My parents hate me. My friends hate me. My girlfriend hates me. Even my boyfriend hates me. The world hates me.
I swear. why can't she just love me? am I really that unlovable? Why? Why does she have to fall in love with that jerk and not me??? WORLD. WHY THE HELL DO YOU DO THIS TO ME!?!?!?!
No one cares so I'll just be off slitting my wrists all the way up to my shoulders and drinking my beloved painkillers and cheap beer and sing along to all those cool bands I have. (that you haven't heard of.)
I need to go shopping tomorrow.
I really need new black lipstick, and maybe I'll repaint my nails. But I don't think I need new jeans, my five year old sister's are pretty tight. And they look really good on me.
"two very different people, too scared to get along. until two hearts beat together underneath one sun" <3 Emos rock I'm a whore because i hate emos
- Dear Die-ary
Mood: apathetic. My life is spirirling downwards. I couldn't get enough money to go to to Blood Red Romance and Suffacte Me Dry concert. It SUCKS cause they played some of my favorite songs like, Stab My Heart Coz I Luv You and Rip Apart My Soul and, of course, STABBY-RIP-STAB-STAB! And it doesn't help that I couldn't get my hair to do that flippy thingy either, like that guy from that band can do. Some days, ya know? My life is just a black abeyss, ya know, it's so dark and it's suffocating me. Grabbing hold of me and tightening it's grip, tighter than a pair of my little sisters jeans, which look great on me by the way. My parents just don't get me you know. They think I'm gay just because they saw me kiss a guy. Well, a couple of guys. But I mean, it's the 2000s. Can't 2-or 4-dudes make-out with each other without being gay. I mean, chicks dig that kind of thing anyways. I don't know diary, sometimes I think you're the only one that gets me, you're my best friend. . . . I feel like tacos
i'm an emo kid noncomforming as can be you would be noncomforming too if you looked just like me..... i hate my life
- Dear Diary,
This is the very last time you will ever hear from my broken soul. I'm writing this note to the condolences of my family , who by the time they read this note I will be dead.
Ps. Creamate me :)
- Dear Diary
So I herd U like Mudkipz?
I Jacques Paul /surname removed\ (EMO) personally think you are one of the biggest FUCK HEADS pussy liking donkey fucker cat raping ass holes alive.
SO DO US ALL A FAVOUR
fuck off and die .. if you do not know how to kill your self feel free to contact me at:
your a fuck head @ dick . ass
and i will be more than happy to fuck you over and have you kill your self!
[edit] <3
Emos tend to use the <3 combination frequently, as it resembles a heart, and so they try to be emotional and crap. They are just being idiots, as usual.
[edit] </3
The average emo kid on the internet tends to use a less than sign (<) and the number three (3) to create a heart.
However, sometimes the hardcore emo kid puts a slash (/) in the middle to express their inner pain.
As a matter of fact, this sign looks very much like a vagina attached to a pair testicles.
</3 </3 </3
[edit] It's Okay to Cry
Actually, to confirm that, it's really not ok to cry. Suck it up, pussy. There are kids who don't even know what a pastry from Starbucks is and you're stuffing your fat ass with them while writing in your diary, which I stole, and cutting yourself at the same time. Join the military...Gawd.
I Jacques Paul /surname removed\ (EMO) personally think you are one of the biggest FUCK HEADS pussy liking donkey fucker cat raping ass holes alive.
SO DO US ALL A FAVOUR
fuck off and die .. if you do not know how to kill your self feel free to contact me at:
your a fuck head @ dick . ass
and i will be more than happy to fuck you over and have you kill your self!
[edit] How to Write and Sing Emo "Music"
Writing and Singing Emo Music is much more simple than, for example, playing true black metal. Writing/singing may result in gaining massive amounts of sponsorship dollars from megacorps and still retaining your "Counter Culture" image. It may also have the same effect as large amounts of deadly nightshade.Also, if you believe that screaming random crap about some chick dumping you for an "equally androginous/equally as gay guy" as you into a microphone is music, wake up and smell the toast, its not. (Note: We in no way condone, encourage, or approve of the act of writing/singing Emo music). (Note on that note: Emo music shall no longer be called music. It shall now be called "poorly composed shit sound".)
[edit] Writing
A common misconception is that you need some kind of predicament or problem to write about a predicament or problem. Recent studies show that this is merely an urban legend. The bare minimum needed is:
- A made-up social situation ripped off from any other Emo song.
- Words with lots of R's, e.g. Heart, start, apart, etc. They make you sound more Japanese. Words with -tion in them don't hurt either, e.g. conversation, situation, masturbation, fluctuation, biomagnification, etc., Ad Infinitum.
- Use the same word over and over and over and over again, especially if said word sounds angry, pissed off, or otherwise negative.
- You may also want to include a pre-written emo phrase such as " I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart, love is not like anying especially a ****ing knife." (Lawls The Used is emo)
Now throw it all together and you're ready to comb your hair over your eye!And now lets jiggle breasts!
[edit] Singing
According to Harvard scientists, singing in Emo music can not technically be classified as singing, but more like a mild form of the mating cry of an Orangutan. The pivotal point in "singing" your newly-written song is not to open your mouth, but to stretch your lips wide open and sing through your nostrils (Unless pronouncing words with an R in them). Make sure you have others playing instruments along with your singing, so as to dilute the potentcy of the sound (again, these instrument players do not need to know how to play or even what their instrument looks like). The instruments should consist of;
- An Overpowering Grumbly Bass Guitar that sounds like your 80 year old grandmother coughing up mucus.
- A Trebley, Whiny, Grindy Guitar
- Drums (Any drums or drum-shaped rocks will suffice).
For example. If the word better was being sung and held, you would not pronounce it betteeeeer. It would be more like this: Beeetttooooaaaarr. During the oooaaarr, make your voice as high-pitched and faglike as possible.
Now perform in the garage of your parents' obscenely-large house in Boise and you're instantly individual!
ALL WRONG
All you need is
- A faglike singer with a cracked teenager's voice and who wears lipstick , paints his fingers black and seems like he's always suicidal
- Two shitty poseur guitarists who always hang their head one side to keep their fringe right
- A bassist who is drowned out by the drums and guitarists , who only joined the band to be popular
- A drummer with no talent who owns a double-bass set which he nevers uses the second bass , just to seem "experienced"
I Jacques Paul /surname removed\ (EMO) personally think you are one of the biggest FUCK HEADS pussy liking donkey fucker cat raping ass holes alive.
SO DO US ALL A FAVOUR
fuck off and die .. if you do not know how to kill your self feel free to contact me at:
your a fuck head @ dick . ass
and i will be more than happy to fuck you over and have you kill your self!
Now write all those faggy , clichéd and uninspired songs that fat 15 year old depressive girls will instantly worship .
- Free cuttin knife with admitions
- LEADER ARE:Emo Hitler, Emokipz , Julian and emo mudkipz
