Emu
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“You idiot! Emus infringe on my copyrights!”
~ Ostriches on Emus
“Why do I feel like a cheeky clone of something altogether more omnipotent?”
~ Chocobos on Emus
“Because us ostriches were the original!!!”
~ Ostriches on Chocobos
“Kweh...”
~ Chocobos on Life, taking much of the same views as the emo, proving that they are in fact, an infingement of the ostrich's copyrights
An Emu, often mistaken as emo, attempts to reproduce electronic hardware through software. It is common knowledge, however, that emus are harmless and docile, until denied a knife to slit their wrists with. Or is that an emo? I can't tell sometimes...
The Emu is faced endangerment, as corporations would prefer they did not exist. Small groups of Emu preservationists insist on the Emu's continued existence, but the legality of this is under dispute. The Emu is not illegal per se, but it is frowned upon due to copyright law. This forces the Emu to exist in a natural "Gray Area." Some people play it because of loopholes they find like "I already own the game but I want to play it on an emu" and "I'll take the game away from my emu in 24 hours...Gee,this game is kind of addictive and cool..",so they can play it in a legal way.
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[edit] The Animal
The common Emu (not to be confused with the sadistic emo bird, below) is a very dangerous bird, they normally grow to about 8 feet tall, and specimens have been known to reach 10 feet. They have deadly sharp beaks that can disembowel a human in under 2 seconds, huge claws capable of tearing through tires like paper, and beaks that can get you beaked through the head before you can blink an eye or lose one. I tried to feed some Emus once, they tried to bite me.
"He likes eating avocado and punt-kicking little sissy dogs" - Johnny Bravo
"Who doesn't?" - Some Australian
They roam on the roads around Colorado, attacking passing cars, vans, lorries (trucks), motorhomes, random unlucky hitchikers etc. and devouring the passengers. They will also steal steak right off your barbie (grill).
When they reach adulthood, the metamorphasize into an Emo.
Once very long ago emus tried to take over the world with the mercenary penguins at their side. They ran under the pretence of Equal Rights For Emus (E.R.F.E. which many viewed as a rip off of Equal Rights For Animal Crackers) and tried to destroy their peaceful and noble brethren the Ostriches (Who were doing a noble crusade for Equal Rights For Ostriches) meanwhile ,in the background, Komodos were doing a serious manoeuvre over Equal Rights For Komodos. Not to mention the male ladybug awareness institution (yes there are male ladybugs...its just that they like other male ladybugs). All this ended up with was a kid with a broken nose and a put down emo...I mean emu.
[edit] Quick Facts
- If you want a pet Emu: Go to your nearest pet shop and order a large viscious animal with a beak like the jaws of life and a big fuzzy body that will take your hand off if you touch it.
- If you see an Emu: Hide. It is impossible to outrun an emu (their method of running is the emu equivalent of roundhouse kicking the ground with every step), your only hope is that it doesn't notice you.
- If you are attacked by an Emu: Jump into battle stance and do a slow-mo spinning kick right into the birds face. This will piss it greatly. If it continues to bother you, start dancing to Thiller. It will eventualy get pissed and go home to watch Animal Planet with co-host Adam Sadler.
- Since emo emus have no hands for cutting themselves, they have instead resolved to using their beaks and stabbing their emu testicles with them (including female emus)
- Emu meat is a traditional delicacy of Chinese businessmen: The best emu meat sells for up to $US200 a kilogram in Hong Kong restaurants. As a result, emus recently leapfrogged wool, wheat, uranium and platypus as Australia's largest export earner.
- You know how chooks can run around with their heads cut off?: With emus it's even worse - they can run around for two days sans cranium. The Australian government advises all home-slaughtering enthusiasts to build a pen sturdy enough to contain a headless emu for at least 48 hours.
- The only way to prevent an emu attack is find faith in yourself, give it a knife and put on some music so it can try to cut itself while listening to Emu Plan.
- All Emus are bankrupt after Emos sued them for being happy.
- If you make a bet that you can win a footrace against an emu, they will not race you. They will just destroy you.
- Emus were also responsible for the the great emu battle of 1876, in which they terrified Australians and, people have claimed, ate babies.
- Emus LOVE hamburgers
- Emus just are owners!!!!11
[edit] Racial schism, the other animal or "real Emu"
Some emus have appeared protesting against their identification with emos... According to these emos who do commit suicide are reborn as emus but proper treatment while dead makes them better creatures as emu. These emus are divided between the male and female even more than most species and homosexuals among them are unknown, not even bisexual emus of this kind exist. Their males try to be good fathers for other emu and tend become stay-at home dads, most often whipped. While their female seek the food, indeed this role reversal is thought by some to be their punishment for being emos and some emus are not strong enough to survive the humiliation and become emos... Those who withstand it find the conversion an ugly irony as, for them and everyone else, there is greater humiliation in being an emo. It's these the emus responsible for the protests against the larger emu population previously described... However some claim that these so called "real emus" are really the ostrich equivalent to human emos standing against as a minority against a majority which "does not tolerates" them.
[edit] The Great Emu war of 1932
TIS IS NOT A JOKE LOOK IT UP!
In the summer of 1932 the emus orginized themselves into a 50,000 strong hord which attempted to overrun Western Australia. After they realised no one cared they started destroying what little crops grew in the desert.In a bid to stop the advancing emus along the rabbit-proof fence farmers enlisted the help of the army. Armed with Lewis machine guns and 10,000 rounds, a party, led by Major Meredith of the Royal Australian Artillery, was sent to the Campion district where it was estimated 20,000 emus were causing damage. However, due to the abundance of food the emus were gathered in small groups, most of which were outnumbered by the 50 settlers who had turned out to meet Major Meredith and his men. A group of 40 emus was sighted and beaters were sent to herd them into firing range. At a distance of 1,000 metres the first burst of fire landed short, with the second killing about a dozen birds as they raced for the cover of trees. In an attempt to improve its tally the army party resorted to ambush tactics. Later the same afternoon the guns were set up at a dam. Close to sundown, as 100 birds approached to within 100 metres, again the gunners opened fire. The birds scattered and dispersed, so much so that further shooting was pointless. The following day a similar strategy was employed in a paddock where emus had caused widespread damage. This time a flock of more than 1,000 headed for water and the waiting guns. Again the birds ran off, their escape aided by the jamming of one of the machine guns. Onlookers were surprised by the emus' ability to sustain injury and keep running. Major Meredith was quoted as saying: "If we had a military division with the bullet-carrying capacity of these birds it would face any army in the world. They could face machine guns with the invulnerability of tanks. They are like Zulus...." Less than a week after the "Emu War" had begun the Defence Minister of the day, George Pearce, ordered a withdrawal. The action prompted debate in the House of Representatives, which included the following comments: Mr Thorby (NSW): "Who is responsible for the farce of hunting emus with machine guns mounted on lorries? Is the Defence Department meeting the cost?
Prime Minister Lyons: "I have been told the Defence Department will not be paying the bill."
Mr James (NSW): "Is a medal to be struck for this war?"
[edit] The Cowardly Emo
Emos that are too scared to cut themselves are regarded as emus. These "emus" are normally all the same, unpopular people who want friends so they dye their hair black. So if you find these rare breeds of emus, ensure that you give him/her/it verbal assaults as often as possible.
[edit] External link
Discussion about how one person was attacked (Site appears to be 404, eaten by Emus. Don't say we didn't warn you, mate.)
The E.R.F.E. Website (Be Warned...Hard On The Eyes And Ears!)
