End of Time
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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from Before the End of Time to the End of Time.
 This article or section is able to see into The Future.Although Wikipedia is not a crystal ball, Uncyclopedia is, so we get to say what happens in the future and they don't.
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- Chuck Norris decides Time shouldn't exist anymore at exactly 3:48 PM Central U.S. Time, May 14, 9,020,364 A.D.
Have you ever noticed that at the end of every femtosecond, another one begins? See for yourself. At the beginning of the next femtosecond, wait until it ends to see if another begins. It did, correct? If it didn't, you have just experienced the end of time.
“It's the end of the world as we know it, but I feel fine.”
~ REM on the end of time
“Is this is the end of time... whatever 'cause I'm just gonna kill myself if it's as bad as my ultra dangerous underwear that's pure evil (aforementioned before in the "streaked underwear" article).”
~ Some sick bastard on Crack
“Is it tomorrow? Or just the end of time?”
~ Jimi Hendrix on the end of time
Contents |
[edit] Discovery
This message was sent by Express Direct Email Blaster V5.1, you can download it from: http://www.fastbulkemail.com Express Direct Email Blaster is a powerful email marketing tool!!
From: MR KURISU
Dear Sir,
michelle jackson died.......YAY!!!!!!!!!!! I am Mr Kurisu, Director of Project, Nigeria Ministry of Mining & Natural Resources, writing this during the end of time. I am making this contact with you based on the committee's need for an individual/company who is willing to assist us with a solution to a money transfer. First and foremost, I apologize using this medium to reach you for a transaction/business of this magnitude, but this is due to the inability to send messages through other mediums through time. In unfolding this proposal, I want to count on you, as a respected and honest person to handle this transaction with sincerity, trust and confidentiality.
I have decided to seek a confidential co-operation with you in the execution of the deal described hereunder for the benefit of all parties and hope you will keep it as a top secret because of the nature of this transaction. Within the Ministry of Mining and Natural Resources where I work as Director of Project Implemention and with the cooperation of four other top officials, we have in our possession as overdue payment bills totaling Thirty Three Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars (US$33,500,000.) which we want to transfer to your year (2000) with the assistance and cooperation of a past company/individual to receive the said fund on our behalf or a reliable past non-company account to receive such funds. More so, we are handicapped in the circumstances, as the South Africa Civil Service Act of End of Time does not allow us to operate past accounts, hence your importance in the whole transaction. This amount $33.5m represents the balance of the total contract value executed on behalf of my Department by a past contracting firm, which we the officials over-invoiced deliberately. Though the actual contract cost have been paid to the original contractor, leaving the balance in the tune of the said amount which we have in principles got the approval to remit by Key Telegraphic Transfer(K.T.T) to any past bank account you will provide by filing in an application through the Ministry of Justice here in Nigeria for the transfer of rights and privileges of the former contractor to you. I have the authority of my partners involved to propose that, should you be willing to assist us in the transaction, your share of the sum will be 10% of the $33.5 million, 70% for us and 5% for taxation and miscellaneous expenses and while balance 5% will go to charity organisation. The business itself is 100% safe, on your part provided you treat it with utmost secrecy and confidentiality. However, aid from the Solomon Project has been lacking when we need it most.
Also your area of specialization is not a hindrance to the successful execution of this transaction. I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not disappoint me. Endeavor to contact me immediately through my e-mail to confirm whether or not you are interested in this deal. If you are not, it will enable me scout for another foreign partner to carry out this deal. I want to assure you that my partners and myself are in a position to make the payment of this claim possible provided you can give us a very strong Assurance and guarantee that our share will be secured and please, remember to treat this matter very confidential, because we will not comprehend with any form of exposure as we are still in active Government Service.
Once again, remember that time is of great essence in this transaction. I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation.
Yours faithfully,
Mr. Kurisu
</pre>
With Bush's aid, Kurisu safely reached the year 2000. After giving Bush his cut, he then went on to give away secrets of the end of time that are now considered well known.
The end of the world will happen on 12/21/2012, supposedly[[.]]
[edit] How things will be different
- Everything will remain motionless, except for certain "time spurts", during which things can move. Even then, movement will be limited to "no faster than a cripple without a wheelchair".
- Time machines will simply be called machines.
- No need to sleep, eat, or go to the toilet.
- All clocks, calendars, sundials, and hourglasses will display a blue screen of death.
- You can go to work at 6:32 PM, leave one minute later, then tell your boss that you showed up early and stayed for your entire post and he won't have a clue.
- Because the rules of time no longer apply, you will finally be able to stop singing The Song That Never Ends whenever you want.
- You'll be losing The Game for the rest of your life. Dammit!! I lost the game!!
- Pop tart toasting will be illegal. However, heating them up by microwaving them for three seconds won't.
- 90% = 100%
- Doctor Who will simply be a lord, as there is no time.
- Windows End of Time will be the last version of Windows to be released.
- Chinese Democracy, Starcraft Ghost and Duke Nukem Forever will be released (ABOUT TIME!!!)
[edit] Events that will occur during the end of time
*Johnny Ksucka da dick
- POOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Everyone Get a life, stop jakin it!
- Chuck Norris shows up and kills you
- George Dubya Bush gets impeached ;-)
- This means that he was elected for a third term, most likely due to the use of time travel shortly before the end of time.
- crack will be legal :)
- Al Gore will kill the last Man bear pig!
- Hell freezes over
- Meatloaf will finally be able to ditch his girlfriend.
- Meatloaf will finally be willing to do "that" for love.
- Time will end. That is perhaps one of the main events occurring during the end of time. The feature presentation, if you will.
- Each member of the Bureau for Editing Time Itself will find themselves bored and eventually will commit suicide.
- Black Sabbath starts to tour Heaven and Hell again.
- Rush writes a song about the time and universe and knowledge and stupid bookwords and lik...talking trees and stuff.(written by Ricky(not song,article).).It is the greatest song in the world(written by God,well Gods cool hippie brother(not the song,the article).)
- God's judgment will begin. He will drive a honda because the bible say's that he traveled with one a-cord. Those people who have given their soul to God will be saved and sent to Heaven. Those people who have not done so will theoretically be sent to Hell, but since God doesn't own their souls, he can't do crap.
- The power high scores will be finalized.
- Satan will be enlightened.
- Linkin Park will perfect their new audio weapons system.
- Due to a clerical error, Time Magazine will mistake the end of all time with the end of its publication, which will then no longer be distributed. People with subscriptions will be refunded in full even if they have only a month left, so be sure to get one eleven months prior.
- The sand used in the Great Hourglass will be used to break the world record for the biggest sandcastle.
- Trailers for the sequel, Time II, will be released.
- KidsBop Series will end.
- Soviet Russia's most popular institution, the Russian reversal, will double-reverse upon itself, rendering a formerly factual statement such as "In Soviet Russia, teeth brush YOU!!" into the utterly nonsensical "In Soviet Russia, you brush TEETH!!" Stalin died then came back to life for this reason. It is also widely speculated to be one of the main causes for time's end, since the wealthy bankers who control the Russian reversal noticed that the fabric of the space-time continuum would be reversed along with the inevitable double-reverse of the Russian reversal, as calculated by famed Russian scientician, Boris Karloff. In Soviet Russia, space time continuum rips hole in YOU!!
- Your girlfriend will get run over by an Indian in a bunny suit, then you'll shoot him in the eye because he killed your hoe then a portal will open over you house and suck in a magical plane engine.
- You find an old man, a lightpost, some portals, and some Goku looking guy.
- Pigs WILL fly. So you can cash in on all of your friends promises.
- Pokemon and Digimon will become a reality, much to everyone's dismay.
- Tiberius, the great feline god of all things, will save Canada, Japan, Dragons, Cats, Nintendo, Aliandra, Liberals and Dream Land from the time freeze and King Dedede.
- The Great Pie (whom everyone thought was the Sun) finally finishes cooking. Tempted by it's own delicious filling, it swallows itself. Thus, a wormhole is created. The entire Universe gets sucked into it. Eventually, a new Universe forms, with the newly born Great Pie.
- Puffins defeat the Penguins after thousands of years of war. They did this by saying, "look over there!" While the Penguins looked away the Puffins killed them using nuclear weapons.
- The Body of Tom Cruise will be burned by all his followers.
- Pepsi will taste different than Coke, 7up and Squirt will taste different than Sprite, and Sunkist and Crush will taste different than kitten huffing.
- Duke Nukem Forever's release will be delayed until next year. Damnit
- Microsoft will ship Vista, with forward-compatibility.
- France will win a war.... then surrender.
- Michael Moore joins the Republican Party and declares a "War on Fast Food".
- Flavor Of Love 418,370,256,093.7 and 1/2 will be the last one, as Newyork has killed every other human being with her atrociously ugly face.
- Hunter Dunning will finger his dog....again
- The Trix Rabbit will get the Trix.
- Cricket, the popular English game, will become more popular than Football in the United States.
- Steven Morrison will go to Pluto and die instantly.
- George Dubbya Bush (George W.Bush's unknown son) will have a ban on Mexican, German, Hawaiian, and Rwandian food for unknown reasons.
- The Grand Republic of Cleveland will detonate an antimatter bomb at the North Pole, killing Santa and averting the Christmas Nerve Gas Attack.
- Kathy Lee Gifford will finally reveal herself as Kathy Griffin.
- The Final Battle between Heaven and Hell will resume on the fields of Pellennor where it took place so long ago.
- Jimmy Kimmel and Dane Cook will finally tell a funny joke... okay, not really.
- The little Lucky Charms leprechaun will finally be caught and horrifically mutilated by small children who will then steal all of his lifetime-supply of Lucky Charms.
- Pirates still will not beat ninjas
- Ozzy Osbourne will finally become comprehensible, just in time for him to say, "HOLY CRAP, WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!"
- World War π finally accepts that it did exist after all, and ends. Circles rejoice, before noting the end of Time and promptly commit suicide.
- A giant asteroid the size of Dubya's ears will hit Earth, causing all plants to evolve into mutant bacterial parasites which will eat the pubic hair of all living beings.
- The Soviet Union will form again and go to war with the United States and Germany, launching thousands of nuclear bombs and sending the world into a nuclear winter. British communist Comrade Neil Clark will celebrate this as an appropriate vengeance for "turbo capitalism". Meanwhile, the entire populace of the United Kingdom will watch the war instead of playing cricket for once, and the French will bake baguettes and croissants to feed both sides.
- The sun will expand and swallow the Earth.
- Johnny Depp will reveal himself to be an obese plad shirt wearing lesbian named 'Freda'. The genocide of all of earths teenage girls follows shortly after.
- Chuck Norris will lose a fight to Eric Corcoran. HA! Got ya. You actually believed that Chuck would lose? CHUCK NORRIS LOSING? Get a life. NOOB!
- Michael Jackson will implode into his "nose", then his "nose" will get pooped on by Triumph The Insult Comic Dog.
- Someone will finally solve a Rubiks Cube (I ALREADY HAVE!!!)
- It is dark. You will likely be eaten by a grue.
- Emperor Quintana will rule the Earth's moon, due to majority disapproval over world domination on Earth; he will also end up spending his cash on civilization, major plastic surgery, and total interplanetary war (after having to breed said grue in his subterranean laboratory).
- the muffin man will finally start baking cookies
- some kid named troy will pop n jam n rule all of saturns moons
- marijuana will be smoked in churches(cuz church sux)
- Limewire and Morpheus will finally let u download good quality porn
- Samuel L Jackson and Denzel Washington will have a baby named Krysta who suffers from A.D.D. and will soon marry Napoleon Dynamite
- Microsoft Sam will be shot by somone called Harman
- Afro Samurai n Vagina head jorge RULE THE WORLD.....n some fag named christopher columbus resurects n is Jorge's main bitch
- The worlds largest female strip volleyball televised. Men watch with pleasure... :D
JoeLatics 14:17, 26 December 2007 (UTC)
- Dial up will finally stop being used.
- Black metal artists finally figure out they look bad in corpse paint.
- Sony flat screen TVs will be 4 atoms thick and have one weakness, Scottish people living in Wales.
- The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
[edit] New Life
- Dinosaurs will come back but Chuck Norris will make them extinct.
- Tasmanian Tigers will come back and Steve Irwin will wrestle them.
[edit] Events that will NOT occur during the end of time
- Chuck Norris will cry.
- The Song That Never Ends will end. Did you really think a little obstacle such as the End of Time would affect the juggernaut of that infernal song? Suck on THAT, bitches!!
- Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and related mythical humans will cease to be the subject of 3:00 AM, seven-hour conversations between bored and undersexed computer nerds.
- Federal taxes will end. (Hahaha, nice try).
- A new Fallout game will not come out. Neither will Duke Nukem Forever.
- Britain will not be ruled by crazed Monty Python's Flying Circus fans.
- English soccer fans behave in an orderly manner at a match.
- Scientology will not be proved a credible religion and followers of Intelligent Design will finally be accepted by some one credible.
- Big bands will definitely not come back.
- Everyone will win 100 Million buckets from God.
- Will Fuehr will find his wienner.
- A dog will devour a horse.
- You will finally lose your virginity.
- You will develop a forked tongue.
- The Never Ending Story will end.
- Gordon Ramsay ceases to use profanity.
- Squash will become a sexy sport.
- you will have a girlfriend and you will be released from Michael Jackson (not gonna happen sorry)
- Tesco Value beans making you fart and stink and giving you the shits.
- Sony will realize that they're idiots for making the PS3
- The Beginning of Time (unproven)
- God will die. He's ETERNAL, for his own sake!
- Adolf Hitler will rise from the dead, realise he is gay, and lead the futuristic underground skinheads to victory.
- The Pacman high score will be beaten.
[edit] Fun facts
- It was originally thought that because of the theory that time equals money (bastard), that the end of time would also be the end of money. However, this has since been proven false by Trump's Toupee.
- Attempts to add sand to the Great Hourglass to lengthen time were proposed. They were shot down when leading scientists agreed that 2017 would probably suck major cock anyways.
- A calculating error in 1996 resulted in the belief that time ended in April of that year. Panic dominated the planet until Isaac Newton discovered his error.
- Time is not the only dimension that will be cut. In 2008, it is expected that height will end as well.
- It is generally assumed that the end of time is full of Popcorn, when in reality, it is generally motionless and boring
- USAM-Striker's Law: 2TK=Pr Squared P2=B Squared When TK=Teamkill, P=Punt, R=Radius B=Ban
- Would time have been Open Source, it would not have had this "Feature"
- In a freak internet meltdown, Tetris will become real... only to crush billions of people in the process.
- Turtles will take over the world.
- If you go into the room behind the old man standing by the lamp post, and walk along the wall clockwise three times, you will be able to use magic. Depending on the person, it can be one of many different elements. Currently in existence are Lightning, Fire, Ice, Water, Shadow, and AIDS though some say that they have heard of magics called the unforgivable curses. They are avada kedavra, crucio, imperio, and rape you hard. The only downside is that you need a wand to be able to perform them. I suggest Olivander's or Premier Adult Factory Outlet. After you are blessed with the powers of magic, you will then be challenged by the one who gave you those powers. It is advisable to kill him as quickly as possible so he doesn't change his mind and take your magic away. After you kill him he drops various helpful drugs and ability enhancers. But he is then re-incarnated as something stronger. You must fight him until he reaches his final form, Robo-Voldemort, and destroy him. Only then will your magic powers be secured. If you should fail, you're body will lie in his chamber forever in preservative juices so he can have fun with your corpse at his convenience. If you are a robot or a caveman, then you are out of luck in the first place as you cannot use magic.
- You're worthless
- bunnies playing will eat your food.
- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
- If you go to the post office, ask for stamps, dance the YMCA three times, run in 29 circles (clockwise), shoot a horse, ask from the postal
- I hear its amazing when the famous purple stuffed worm in flap-jaw space with the tuning fork does a raw blink on Hari-Kiri rock. I need scissors. 61.
- Fun facts do not exist
service to send your cock to your mum, cut it and send it,then eat a living horse with french guys and chopsticks, you will still be an asshole HAHA... ahh and time will probably end cos there will be no more stupid things to do.
[edit] Kronos
"I am the end of time!"
Explorers will discover Einstein's tomb, which contains unfinished research on the theory that time does not actually exist. Scientists prove this theory to be correct, and begin working on creating time.
It's Over NINE THOUSAAAANNNDDDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[edit] Other points in time
- Jesus Time*
- Beginning of Time
- After the End of Time
- Middle of time
- Days of Yore
- Some of the Time
- All the Time
- Do You Have the Time?
- Party Time
- Miller Time
- Game Time
- (STOP) Hammer Time
- Tea Time
- Peanut Butter Jelly Time
- Tool Time
- You have no chance to survive Make your time
- Chuck Norris time (AKA: killing time)
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Categories: History | Time | Years
