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At some point in the future this article will refer to a current event.

This article contains unquestionable divine truths.
Anyone who does question will be branded a heretic.
Any and all heretics will be guillotined immediately.

...The Kingdom come, on Earth as we tell you is Heaven.

"Once-in-a-lifetime experience. Simply unmissable."

~Oscar Wilde on the end of the world

"This is the only sure way of killing....manbearpig, i super cereal.":~Al Gore on the end of the world

"Be warned, if you do not repent of your sinful lives, the Lord will cast you upon his knee and beat you until the end of days."

~The Pope John Paul 2.0 on the end of the world

"This is how it will be. It will start with an earthquake, birds and snakes, an aeroplane... Lenny Bruce will not be afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn world serves its own needs, don’t miss-serve your own needs. Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt no, strength no. Ladder structure clatter with fear of height, down height. Wire in a fire; represent the seven games in a government for hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the furies breathing down your neck. Team by team reporters baffled, trump, tethered crop. Look at that low plane! Fine then. Uh oh, overflow, population, common group, but it’ll do. Save yourself, serve yourself. World serves its own needs, listen to your heart bleed. Tell me with the rapture and the reverent in the right - right. You vitriolic, patriotic, slam, fight, bright light, feeling pretty psyched."

~Nostradamus on the end of the world

“There'll be nuclear winter. Everyone will be dead except Australia. But they'll be dead soon. Fucking Kangaroos.”

~ Engrish Speaker on The End of Ze World

"...and then Uncyclopedia filled with vandals, and was destroyed."

~Anonymous Admin on a dream depiction the end of the world

"About 12 minutes away."

~Ford Prefect counting down to the end of the world

"So, you wrote one bad play. I've written many! C'mon, it's not like it's the end of the world..."

~a Blasphemer to Oscar Wilde just before the sinner was put to death.

"Aye, I sailed me ship to the end of the world, and off of it. And I tell ye, thar ain' no treasure where them east winds come from."

~a drunken Pirate on the end of the world.

“I feel fine.”

~ Michael Stipe on the end of the world

“The sky is falling! For real! See, it's about to hit...<gets hit>...me.”

~ Chicken Little on the end of the world, I guess

“It's the end of the world a few days ago, when everybody started to go crazy about Irwin's death, consequently tomorrow will be the end of the world because I'll stab myself.”

~ Tom Cruise on The end of the world

“To make the world stay calm, we must hide the fact that the probability of a meteor falling down to earth and killing every living thing is more than 96.2%... We're just lucky.”

~ NASA on FBI

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee... Boom”

~ Mitch on End of the world

“All that you know is at an end.”

~ The Silver Surfer on the end of the world

“I think the end of the world is where the world comes to some sort of end.”

~ Capt. Obvious on the end of the world

“They're after me lucky charms!”

~ Leprechaun

“In Soviet Russia, lucky charms are after you!”

~ Russian Reversal on End of the World

“I'm sick of these goddamn leprechauns, in this goddamn article!”

~ Samuel Jackson on The end of the world

We of intellect have long acknowledged that the Earth's time of existence is finite. Therefore, it is an unarguable fact that the end of the world approaches. In fact, the world ended a week ago yesterday.

The world as we know it

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[edit] Discovery of the World Ending

Copernicus, smugly looking up the dying Earth

Whilst working diligently on secular physics, noted Polack scientist Nicolaus Copernicus noted some oddities of the behaviour of Earth. Thinking he had stumbled upon something noteworthy, he presented his findings to the Nobel Prize commission. They were outraged at his questioning Divine Truth, and cast him out of the scientific community forever. Shortly thereafter, Copernicus was called upon by the Vulcans to face the Inquisition. Copernicus fled into exile rather than facing the council. Unfortunately for him he was a Polack. As such, regardless of where he fled from, he would always end up here.

What Copernicus found was shocking. In his absence, a long shaft had erected itself in orbit of Earth. Vulcans and Humans were being violently probed by its penetrating scanning rays. The seas boiled, the sky clouded over, and a giant man of made of marshmallows stormed through cities. Rampant destruction plagued the globe as the shaft-like probe and the man of soft, white, sticky stuff thrust their horribly gyrating motions upon the globe. Copernicus had no other choice but to hop onto the greatest bird of prey. He coaxed the bird into a dive in which they reached the speed of light (88 MPH). At such extreme speed, they fell through a rift in space-time.

[edit] Biblical Predictions of the End of the World

Many people believe that the Bible says the Battle of Armageddon, the Antichrist and the return of Jesus will occur in 2007. On this page I elaborate on this prediction and outline the reasons why. This hyopothesis may require modification as we are currently living in the year 2008.

[edit] The Scenario

The war will start in 2112. The Antichrist will stand in the Jewish Temple of Jerusalem and declare that he is God. The Bible calls this the 'abomination of desolation'. Shortly after this the Arab nations will unite against Israel. Egypt will lead Syria, Lebanon, Iraq, and Jordan - every nation with a border with Israel - against it. Russia and its allies will join on the side of the Arabs. During the fight the US and Russia will use nuclear weapons against each other. The war will leave 2 billion dead.

[edit] The Evidence

Don't feel the need to read all of the passages, I've highlighted key quotes in bold. There are many other passages I could have used but these illustrate the point well.

[edit] When will it happen?

This is a quote from Mark 13:14-28:

But when you see the abomination of desolation standing where it should not be then let those who are in Judea flee to the mountains. And let him who is on the housetop not go down, or enter in, to get anything out of his house; and let him who is in the field not turn back to get his cloak. But woe to those who are with child and to those who nurse babes in those days! But pray that it may not happen in the winter. For those days will be a time of tribulation such as has not occurred since the beginning of creation that God created, until now, and never shall. And unless the Lord had shortened those days, no life would have been saved; but for the sake of the elect whom He chose, He shortened the days. And then if any man shall say to you, Lo, here [is] Christ; or, lo, [he is] there; believe [him] not: For false Christs and false prophets shall rise, and shall show signs and wonders, to seduce, if [it were] possible, even the elect. But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things. But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light, and the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken. And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory. And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.

You must never forget. The God that does all this is a God of love. And God is a just God who does not discriminate between the elect and the rest.

Now the Bible has to be more true than the Koran or the Bhavdad Gita. And the Bible has to be more true than the Greek Myths. All this has to be true because Christians say so. Therte's no other reason. If you don't believe the Christians you will rue that.

The 'abomination of desolation' is the Antichrist. The 'elect whom He chose' is the return of Jesus. The reference to those in Judea fleeing is because of the invasion.

[edit] Continued:

Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near: So likewise ye, (Israel) when ye shall see all these things, know that it is near, even at the doors Verily I say unto you, This generation shall not pass, till all these things be fulfilled. Now in the first Century of the Christian Era Christians thought that the End of the World would happen while people who had known Jesus were still alive. For some silly reason that didn't happen. For two thoudand years Christians have expected the world to end soon but not just now. And their wonderful faith kept them believing all this. Christians just might keep on expecting the end of the world for another three thousand years or more.

The fig tree is Israel. This is because in Jeremiah's prophecies he used 'Figs' as a symbol of the children of Israel. If figs are the children, Israel must be the father, the fig tree.

'When her branch is yet tender' means that Israel will still be a new state (it was founded in May 1948). 'Putteth forth leaves' could mean when Israel recaptured all of Jerusalem in June 1967. 'Summer is nigh' means that the end of the world is near.

So soon after Israel takes Jerusalem the end of the world will occur. It says 'this generation shall not pass till all these tings be fulfilled'.

A generation in the Bible is 40 years, so the end of the world will be 40 years after 1967: 2007. Now isn't that wonderful. We're in 2008.

[edit] How will the war start?

This passage suggests that the return of Jesus will shortly follow the start of war on Israel. Read this from Luke 21:20-24

But when you see Jerusalem surrounded by armies, then recognize that her desolation is at hand. Then let those in Judea flee to the mountains, and let those who are in the midst of the city depart, and let not those who are in the country enter the city; because these are the days of vengeance, in order that all things which are written may be fulfilled. Woe to those who nurse babes in those days; for there will be great distress upon the land, and wrath to this people, and they will fall by the edge of the sword, and will be led captive into all the nations; and Jerusalem will be trampled underfoot by the Gentiles until the times of the Gentiles be fulfilled. So you see how it will be. Mothers who nurse babies and probably the inocent babies too will have to suffer because a loving God has decided to wreak vengeance on the evil people of the world. Never forget. The God who does this is a just God.

This clearly refers to the destruction of Israel by 'surrounding armies'.

[edit] Who will fight in the war?

The attack is described in Daniel 11:40 And at the end of time the king of the South will collide with him, and the king of the North will storm against him with chariots, with horsemen, and with many ships; and he will enter countries, overflow them, and pass through.

The 'King of the South' are the Arab nations; the 'King of the North' is Russia. 'Him' refers to Israel, so the passage clearly describes an attack by these forces on Israel. It also shows how the 'end of time' will occur after this war.

The nations involved are describe in Ezekiel 38: 5-7 Persia, Ethiopia, and Libya with them; all of them with shield and helmet: Gomer, and all his bands; the house of Togarmah of the north quarters, and all his bands: [and] many people with thee. Be thou prepared, and prepare for thyself, thou, and all thy company that are assembled unto thee, and be thou a guard unto them.

Persia is the site of Iran. Gomer and Togarmah are the sites of Turkey. All of these nations are Arab.

[edit] What will the war be like?

Revelation 9:13-16 states that the war will involve '200 million soldiers' and 'slay the third part of men.' This means that 2 billion (1/3 of the Earth's population) would die - a conceivable figure for a nuclear war. Such a war could use 200 million men.

This is a key passage - Ezekiel 39: 1-6: Therefore, thou son of man, prophesy against Gog, and say, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I [am] against thee, O Gog, the chief prince of Meshesh and Tubal: And I will turn thee back, and leave but the sixth part of thee, and will cause thee to come up from the north parts, and will bring thee upon the mountains of Israel: And I will smite thy bow out of thy left hand, and will cause thine arrows to fall out of thy right hand. Thou shalt fall upon the mountains of Israel, thou, and all thy bands, and the people that [is] with thee: I will give thee unto the ravenous birds of every sort, and [to] the beasts of the field to be devoured. Thou shalt fall upon the open field: for I have spoken [it], saith the Lord GOD. And I will send a fire on Magog, and among them that dwell carelessly in the isles: and they shall know that I [am] the LORD.

It says all but a 'sixth part' of the invading army will be destroyed. Israel's army could not do this, but Israel is known to have nuclear weapons so these could be used against an invading force.

Magog is Russia. 'Fire on Magog' could easily be a nuclear strike. Those that 'dwell carelessly in the isles' could be referring to the US, as it is isolated geographically from other countries. This then suggests that there could be nuclear war between Russia and America.

Many scriptures describe the sun and moon becoming dark shortly after the war, e.g.: Joel 3:14-15: The sun and the moon grow dark, and the stars lose their brightness

Matthew 24:29 The sun will be darkened, the moon will not give its light, and the stars will fall from the sky

Mark 13:24 But in those days, after that tribulation, The sun will be darkened, the moon will not give its light, and the stars will be falling from heaven

This refers to the end of the world. The references to the sun going dark could be describing the Nuclear Winter scenario, where dust from nuclear wars blocks out the sun. Remember, free will is so very important that God allows nuclear war rather than deny free will to those who pursue it. At the same time free will is so unimportant that God God does not protect the victims of brainwashing.

[edit] Revelations

The original copy of Copernicus's diary that includes his vision of the end of the world, as it was last seen

It was while out of the space-time continuum that Copernicus saw the world as it was, and as it would be upon destruction. This is an excerpt from his diary explaining the experience:

"But while I thought on these horrid things,

behold! The angel of Sophia appeared unto me

as in a dream, and said : 'Copernicus, son of science,

fear not to take unto this vision of life. That

which is conceived in these sights is but only a ghost

of days yet to come.' And She brought forth the bird,

and said, 'and though shalt ride it until both are sore,

for this cannot be a sin.'

'Behold,' spoketh another voice, which identified as one

Emmanuel, 'for what thou seethe in thy time shall be again,

and those days shall be the last before the judgement.' "

Another lesser known quote from God is that on this day of the end, we will all be cast as marshmellows and be forced to take part in another god awful movie starring barbra streiwhateverthefuckitis

[edit] Lost and Found

Copernicus's diary was censured by the One True Church and the Pro-Elitist Foundation, on the basis that it was heresy and anyone who read it would melt into the puddle of a fire-tortured hell-bound soul. Unfortunately, the peasants disregarded the protection of their superiors. Copernicus's diary was found and published. However, distribution started slowly. The Pro-Elist Foundation at the time controlled all presses, and rejected the diary. With Satan's "Holy" Reformation (where the prince of darkness cast the religious world into the darkness after pinning his thesis on a cathedral door), secular presses emerged, presenting a danger to the once clean print media. A campaign blitz to enlighten the public on the true dangers of the diary began. This was headed by none other than J. Edgar Hoover. At the time, Hoover was president of the PEF, and was regarded as the most powerful person on earth. Hoover was smart in his tactics, though, knowing peasants would erroneously call his campaign brainwashing if they could not see the benefits of it. Therefore, Hoover organized community events such as the following:

• guillotinings: By far the most popular of all of Hoover's activities, guillotinings were soon held daily. Practice would be done on banned volumes before prisoners were brought out. Productions from local thespians became a regular part of it. The actors would portray scenes from the accused's crimes, as well as satirical acts of Copernicus's most outrageous paseages. Finally, they'd closed with a silent biblical scene before the last beheading. Afterwards, the guillotine's blade would be cleaned by sending it down upon more volumes of the diary.
• witch trials: These were weekly events. Witch trials helped draw neighbours together, united against a single heretic. Gathering evidence against the accused required community members to talk with each other, and emphasized cooperation. Anyone caught with a copy of Copernicus's diary was deemed a "blaspheming prophet" (and rightfully so). As for anyone accused of possessing powers greater than the members of the PEF, they were branded witch4s and quickly cast away.
• book burnings: These were often held on town squares, only semi-annually for a long time. Book burnings benefited both the general populous and the PEF. Peasants could deposit their banned books in the fire, therefore destroying any evidence of having possessed such be cleared of the dangers of execution. The PEF disposed of confiscated volumes here, ensuring they did not return to the public.

[edit] The Real Lost and Found

Well, after about a month, we have collected all this junk from the office, and uh, y'know, we thought we could get people to uh, come up and try and find their stuff. Okay?

There is, um,

• Two t-shirts
• A tub of vaseline
• Lube (not in a bottle)
• A portable claw machine
• Bible-in-a-Can
• Priest-in-a-Can
• Can-in-a-Can
• A pair of dark, black sunglasses... hey! My sunglasses! Sweet.

[edit] Contradiction

The controversial toast in question; Copernicus contradicted himself on the best way to produce toast-idols, a favourite practice of heretics. These are the results of his two mentioned methods.

As everyone knows, the only perfect ancient text (i.e. non-fiction that does not contradict itself in the least) is the bible. Therefore, all other non-fiction volumes of the older days did. In contradicting themselves, said text lost all credibility. The diary was no exception. Copernicus's diary contradicted itself on a point of the nature of toast in later passages. It was upon the discovery of this that his "theory" of the end of the world was dismissed immediately.

[edit] Since Sin is Inevitable

Because the people of the world read of its destruction, the Earth's fate is sealed. The fruit of knowledge hath been plucked, and God will punish the sinners who have this useless knowledge by casting them from the Eden of Earth. Had not the knowledge spread from Copernicus to others, the world would be spared. However, anything secular learned or written instantly becomes a curiosity of the many. In the nature of humans to sin, the fall to the temptation of curiosity is inevitable. Degenerates let evil ideas spread like wildfire, while the learné d ask for more instead of rejecting knowledge as the righteous do. The words of the unrighteous are sinful, darkening not only their souls but also the souls of all who can hear. Thus spread trespasses until they weigh the world into damnation. So it is written, so it shall be.

[edit] Signs

If you wake up and the Earth looks like this, it just might be the end of days.

documentary photograph of the first man-made fire.

Artist's depiction of the eventual fulfilment of the fifth condition for the end of the world

The day the World Ends

This is the most debated point as to the destruction of the world, as the only person who saw the end of the world is a dead man. However, as the date of the end of the world (6,210,055) is already known, the identification of the signs is someone pointless. You only have to worry if they have all been fulfilled, for then despite what your calendar may say, it it time to be judged. The general consensus on these signs comes down to a few key points to signify the apocalypse:

• 1:Mankind will harness the power of fire, and let it run rampant upon the Divine's creation.
• 2:A great city noted for celebrations and gayety will be purged by flood, killing its sinners.
• 3:The world will be plagued with a sudden and acute respiratory syndrome.
• 4:The leaders of the world will wage war in the deserts and wikis.
• 5:Rumors will mount of such wars, even after "Mission Accomplished" speeches are given.
• 6:Bright pinpoints of light will emerge in the sky by night, led by a larger circular light.

• 7:A second cumming.
• 8:Someone will be born unto a teen claiming to have never been pregnant and emphatically denying having lost her virginity.
• 9:The birth of one who can never be anointed with oils, for such products are too scare in their native home of the Middle-east.
• 10:Televised evangelists will proclaim their abilities to bestow salvation.
• 11:Sheep will be cloned.
• 12:People will be born with odd skin deformities, or "birthmarks" on their flesh.
• 13:Starvation will ravage impoverished countries while the "First World" nations look away.
• 14:The Earth will shake in an unholy manner, breaking bedrock and toppling buildings, as well as ruining sets of good china.
• 15: Hayato will post a picture of a nude woman in the chat room "yrcyamlived."
• 16.Chuck Norris will round house kick our planet.
• 17. The rabbit will finally get the Trix. Silly rabbit!
• 18:Jews will start springing around the world like a plague
• 19:Muahaha
• 20:475,423,321 Cloverfield monster's will come out of your television. Gutted.

[edit] What to do

• 1: Don't Panic
• 2: Don't forget your towel
• 3: Get on a Hawaiian shirt and a pair of swimming trunks or a bikini
• 4: Grab a lawn chair
• 5: Make yourself a margarita
• 6: Run outside
• 7: Unfold lawn chair
• 8: Sit back on lawn chair
• 9: Sip margarita
• 10: Lie back and let the planet dissolve
• 11: Before the world is destroyed, scream very loudly "So Long, And Thanks For All The Fish!"
• 12: Smoke any woman you can find.
• 13: Take off all your clothes, put on the shittiest diaper you can find. And then, pull up your legs, scream, and make a nuclear fart. Repeat last three steps.

OR

• 1: Drink a mug of beer
• 2: Place a Paper Bag on your head
• 3: Lie Down on the ground

(NOTICE!!!: this won't help you at all but is easier than the above stated alternative.)

OR

• Hope that your best friend whom you've known for years wasn't from Guildford at all, but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse.
• Don't forget your towel, and curse the dolphins for getting away sooner.
• Save friend sometime in past.
• Hope said friend pities you and hauls you off the planet.

(NOTICE!!!: It is advised to drink a LOT of beer before hand (three pints recommended minimum) to dull the effects of the soon-to-happen hyperspace jump. Also peanuts are good for replacing lost salt and proteins from the before mentioned jump. Fortunately both of these can be found at any bar, pub, or airplane.)

OR

• 1: Go to the weapon store, and buy every gun.
• 2: Arm everyone in your town.
• 3: Go to the capital city and riot.

(NOTICE!!!: This won't help either but at least it'll be fun.)

OR

• 1: Steal a new Rolls Royce Phantom off the lot
• 2: Place a bumper sticker on the back saying, "Don't let the car fool you, my treasure is in Heaven"
• 3: Tune the radio to Bluegrass and crank it up.
• 4: Drive through the front doors of Target or Wal-Mart going about 70. Brace for impact.
• 5: If you survive pick up some corn dogs in the food court, and some nacho cheese.

OR

• 1: Sneak into Area 51.
• 2: You know what to do now, right?
• 2.42: Alternatively, if you don't, here's what to do.
• 2.5: Get something that looks like a flying saucer.
• 2.6: Ride it.
• 2.7: Due to the highly advanced technology of the saucer (courtesy of Hollywood, CA) it will automatically steer itself to the surface of an alien planet.
• 2.8: When the world will have ended, you will already be on another planet, hopefully having survived the enormous psychological impact and G-forces involved turning you into an inside-out smear of gibbering mush.
• 69.1 (hee hee!) If you do not in fact get turned into a pile of inside out mush. Do 2 things 1: Hope that the elements of the new planet which you are stuck on are not hostile to humans.

2: Hope that any alien inhabitants of the planet are not hostile to humans, if not make them take you to their King, Elvis (The destroyer of all things holy)

OR

• 1: Alternatively, if you don't want to see the end of the world, kill yourself: (If you just want to die, skip to step eight.)
• 2: Go to Elijah Wood's house and steal his bazookas (he has like, twenty of them) and his car.
• 3: Try to go back in time like they did in Back To The Future.
• 4: When that doesn't work, rip out your appendix. (assuming you haven't already had it removed) and inflate it like a balloon.
• 5: Hold on and randomly shoot people with the bazookas from sixty feet away in the sky.
• 6: Then float down and kill Gary Coleman for no apparent reason.
• 7: To end it all, shoot yourself in the chest.
• 8: If that didn't work, shoot yourself in the head execution style.
• 9: If you're still not fucking dead, spit on Chuck Norris. {WARNING: Use only as a last resort}
• 10: He will have castrated you with his bare hands, gouged your eyes out, skinned you, and ripped your colon out through your mouth and hung you with it.
• 11: You are now successfully dead!

[edit] Clergy

As the channel of God to the people, the clergy are automatically saved. Otherwise, there would be no way for the people to know which of God's laws they were breaking, and thus everyone would be marked unclean and sent to hell at the end of days. The exception, of course, is the clergy of any other church besides the One True Church, for those are blasphemers and should they escape the guillotine before the Rapture, they certain wouldn't make it past the Final Judgement. Also, even those who are clergy of the One True Church but either preach against or simply to not believe in its Dogma are heretics, and thus condemned to an eternity of listening to Greenday in ROT13.

[edit] Royalty and Nobility

Just as clergy are appointed to bring the flow of truth of Dogma to the people, the laws stated therein guide royalty and nobility. With such guidance, they execute anyone who those texts say they should. Thus, divine will through the hands of mortals.

[edit] Untainted

Those who have never sinned nor seen the work of evil shall be rewarded with salvation. However, any who reads this article is exposed to the sinfully blasphemous claims of Copernicus, and thus tainted. The tainted have no redemption, unless granted clemency by royalty or nobility. The clergy also has this power of absolution, but can only use it on someone who has truly repented by clearing mind and soul of all traces of the sin. Recollection of the misdeed poisons the mind, and thus so long as the sin (ex reading this article) and be remembered, absolution cannot be granted. However, absolution also requires acknowledgement of the sin, so amnesia does not free anyone. Those who have amnesia cannot acknowledge having done the sin without the taint being returned.

[edit] Sarcastic People

It has long been known that sarcasm is a divine gift. As some cannot grasp it

[edit] Alternate theories

[edit] Scenario 2: Otherwise known as WTF?

Fernando Burtoni, king, prime minister and former prince of Aliandra, declares war on Karlsburg (again), and in the process, uses the war to hide the launch of a nuclear missile at Pyongyang, but the operator set the target as The White House. Sadly, it hits The Black House, revealing Oprah's monster, Grue2, which immediately eats her. Sirius; the golden dragon, king of Montiverdi, is on a PR trip, promoting the skiing in his country. When he gets to Vermont, Grue2 attacks him. Grue2 is shredded into 1,676,565 pieces by a 206 mega pinto explosion, caused by a Zeeky H. Bomb, which Sirius summoned, from HammerSpace. Due to this explosion, George W. Bush declares war on Vatican City! Satan takes over Bush's body, and Fernando has to kill him with his Burtoni B-17 machine gun and his sword, Anfarandir II. The whole world cheered "Go Fernando! Go Fernando!" so loud that they could be heard from Aliandra, on Sigma Centauri, 4.13 light years away. Sadly, The Vatican is destroyed anyway, releasing Kuriei, a dragon so large, he could swallow Earth whole. He did just that, and a flood of acid destroyed Earth, but luckily, every liberal, socialist, and communist had enough drain cleaner to neutralize the acid! They used Pro-Choice/Homosexual/Feminist/Human Rights/Environmentalist missiles to destroy Kuriei, and escape. They went to Sigma Centauri, where they lived happily ever after. Or not...

[edit] After the end...

The above dialogue was heard on the International Space Station as Kuriei swallowed earth. The war that should have begun in 2007 never did, because of Kuriei's appetite. On board the space station, there were 5 Zeeky H. Bombs, each one with a power of 206 mega pintos. They fired them at the dragon, with no success. They found an escape teleporter, which got them to Pluto. Sadly, the Plutonians were still pissed off at them for demoting their planet to a dwarf planet, and, in Engrish, they said "You stupid Ealthrings! Make Pruto a pranet again befole we huff you fol the sake of Oscal Wirde!" That was the last the ISS crew heard. The Plutonians aimed a laser at the sun, and exploded it. The power of the laser interfering with the natural nuclear reactions destroyed anything within a light-year of the sun. The people who escaped from Kuriei could see this explosion. The ISS, for no reason in particular, entered an orbit around Sigma Centauri 1 month later, with only one crew member on board: a kitten.

[edit] Preventive Measures

To prevent the end of the world, a few things will be necessary. First of all, the gangstas, who are collaborating with the Scientologist aliens from NGC1337 (Teegeeack (Earth)), must be destroyed. This will only be possible when the Avro Arrow is resurrected, which will require the death of George Bush and Stephen Harper. The US must also make it up to Aliandra for various military conflicts in the high atmosphere of Sigma Centauri. That will require a MoneyGram transfer of $1,000,000,000,000 to Fernando Burtoni, which would require 9433 purchases of Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ices. This, of course, would lead to the end of time, thus requiring Meta Knight stealing the heart stars from Kirby and sticking them up Fernando's clarinet. This would create a song that plays at such a high tempo that it starts time again. Sadly, time would infinitely accelerate, and then the universe would blue screen, thus causing Fernando to inadvertently nuke The Black House. Then, you know what will happen, so this whole section is freaking pointless, unless an Avro Arrow destroys The Black House first.

[edit] Predictions

At 11:68 this morning, scientists working at MIT have come to the unanimous decision that the world will end approximately yesterday. Academics at Oxford and Rutgers University disagree; they say that findings indicate that the world ended three days ago.

Also, one prediction is: The blondes of the world will take over. The Canadians will get jealous of the blondes success. The Canadians will then kill the blondes, becoming overlords of the world. The Mexicans will feel that with their fast talking Mexicaness should be most of the world's culture, thus making them go koo-koo and kill the Canadians. The Asians, thinking that the world is theirs, shall kill the Mexicans. All the while, the Americans will be sad because the centre of all their jokes will be dying. Conan O'Brien, Jay Leno, and Chuck Norris will then team up, and stop the destruction by killing everyone, only to be killed by a vengeful Avro Arrow that thought that they were Conservatives.

[edit] It's Just A Place

Another prediction is that the End Of The World is just referring to a place, as portrayed in the Pirates Of The Caribbean movie. (Starring Tom Cruise, not Johnny Depp.) The End Of World is located either one of 3 choices:

1. Somewhere in the town of Hell, USA

2. Somewhere in the White House

3. Michael Jackson's ranch, also known as Neverland (Yes, Peter Pan does live there too. Michael Jackson keeps him for Desserts.) (No further detail needed.)

4. Derbyshire.

The End Of The World most likely has air, dirt, and water there. (Nothing else is known about the end of the world as a place, as a crazy Scientologist made up the place.)