Enemies of Doctor Who
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Contents |
[edit] Enemies, Foes and Ne'er Do Wells
[edit] Daleks
Daleks are The Doctor’s most despised adversary. The mutated survivors of the Great War, they are only capable of living within their colourful exo-skeletons. They are the only one of The Doctors enemies to come close to killing him. On no fewer than 15 separate occasions, the Daleks have actually come to within a sonic screwdriver of obliterating The Doctor, but something always seems to stop them. From a broken lift to leaving the oven on, some plot device always appears out of the blue, just in time to save The Doctor's skin. The Daleks are currently in tough negotiations about appearing in the 10th series, and only agreed to appear in the 9th series because they “had nothing better to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon. We’d only end up watching formula 1 anyway.” The Doctor has also done battle with their creator, Dyson.
[edit] Cybermen
A race of teenagers and 30-somethings who live in their parents basement, the Cybermen are pasty-skinned estate agents who have been beaten up in the changing rooms one too many times for their liking. First seen in episode 13.37, the Cybermen attempted to take over the Earth in an attempt to cause mass homelessness by buying huge amounts of real estate and then refusing people to live on it. Unable to go out during daylight hours, the Cybermen had to resort to wearing specially crafted helmets allowing them to avoid sunburn and taunts in the harsh conditions of Basildon. They are perhaps best-known for their LOL-bombs and ROFL-rayguns, which they use in abundance to prove how lame The Doctor is. The Doctor usually defeats them by asking them if they've ever had sex, whereupon the Cybermen slink away into a pit of despair.
[edit] Andrex Puppies
Seen for the first and last time in the one off made for TV movie starring Craig McLachlan, the Andrex Puppies are the mutant offspring of a Black Labrador and a Golden Retreiver. Standing a hair-raising 20 centimeters high, these adorable demons of the planet Softstrongandveryverylong are intent on enslaving mankind into playing fetch with them and tickling their tummies. In the movie, they chase The Doctor into hiding and he is only saved when his assistant Wanda, played by Vanessa Feltz, shouts "walkies". The Doctor is relieved and says "I sure hope I don't bump into those nasty fellows again in episode 35.3", leaving the door open for a possible return.
[edit] Zygons
The Zygons are a mysterious alien race from the planet Boris, known for their bumbling manner and incomprehensible language. Their vocabulary is limited to the use of only a handful of words, most notably, "cripes", "bugger", and "boobies". Their appearance is comical due mainly to their pudding bowl haircuts and large rotund noses. As such, they were never, nor shall ever be, any match for The Doctor.
They first appeared in episode 16.4, where one of the Zygons accidentally blew up the Houses of Parliament after attempting to light a fart to impress his peers (but not "The peers" they are far too respectable for that sort of thing), whereupon The Doctor, played by Dolly Parton, laughed and said "Let Zygons be Zygons".
Trivia: The number of viewer complaints resulting from this pun led to the series being moved from its 7pm Saturday slot to a 4am once-a-month slot on alternating Sundays, Wednesdays and Thursdays, with the episodes aired in a random order. (See also: the Firefly effect)
[edit] Wordy
The ruthless ruler of the planet Lookandread, Wordy has had it in for The Doctor ever since he first saw an episode of the 1st series and noticed all the spelling mistakes in the closing credits. He floated down to earth in his Spellmobile and set about turning the human race into giant letters with his ritual "Magic E" chant.
Small, lumpy, bright orange and covered in letters, Wordy is undoubtedly the most hideous of The Doctor's foes, and as such anyone who looks at him instantly throws up their lungs.
However, The Doctor easily defeated Wordy by looking at him in the reflection of a spoon, and shouting "If 'i before e except after c' is so true, then how come it doesn't apply all the time?". Realising that The Doctor was right, Wordy couldn't deal with the fact that he'd lived a lie, and destroyed himself.
Wordy was voiced by Brian Aldridge from The Archers.
[edit] The MasterChef
The Masterchef, played by ex-TV weatherman Lloyd Grossman, is the Doctor's greatest rival. The MasterChef was The Doctor's childhood friend, and as revealed in episode 11.5 "Oh Brother Where Art Thou?" he is actually the Doctor's evil twin brother who never did as well at school. The MasterChef has sworn revenge on The Doctor ever since his childhood sweetheart was "whisked" away by him.
The MasterChef, as his name suggests, is a culinary criminal of the highest degree, who specializes in the secret ninja art of "al dente", a martial art so deadly that no master dare teach it. Indeed, the only way to find out how to perform it is to do it by accident.
The MasterChef has had The Doctor in his clutches numerous times, including episode 15.9, where he strapped The Doctor to the inside of a gigantic blender. His plan was foiled however, when he forgot to pay the electricity bill.
[edit] The Slitheen
“The Slitheen are the greatest and let he who says otherwise be exterminated forcibly! Or deleted! Or whatever the hell hasn't already been done by a genuine, 'old skool' Doctor Who villain!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Slitheen
The Slitheen were a recent and controversial addition to the series, partly because they are childish, puerile and generally not suitable for the younger viewers, but mainly because they are real. Fat green creatures with the transplanted faces of human babies, they intended to conquer the world using their powers of flatulence (which are so powerful they trigger smoke alarms). Their evil plan was foiled, however, when Doctor Who nuked them all, himself surviving using his magic powers of invulnerability.
The Slitheen's evil plan was to convince misguided young fans that they were a worthwhile addition to the series by appearing in as many episodes and spin-off media as possible. However, they were finally stopped when a group of devil-worshipping Zoidberg-look-alikes sacrificed them during the production of the 2006 series.
Recently, a number of people other than Tony Blair have been accused of being Slitheen. The list is as follows:
- George W. Bush
- The British Royal Family (who may also be werewolves)
- Peter Kay (although he himself denies this, and spits on the Slitheen)
- Draco Malfoy
- Vincent Crabbe (aka sea creature)
- Gregory Goyle
- Pansy Parkinson
- Severus Snape
- Salazar Slitheen
- Rubeus Hagrid
- Barbie (this has been disproved as Barbie is way too skinny. But she is an Auton.)
- Willy on Wheels
- Oscar Wilde (quoted as saying "I am a Slitheen!")
- Homer Simpson
- Eric Cartman
- Peter Griffin
- Erin Esurance
- Shrek (it's kinda obvious, really)
- Dave Lister
- Boss Nass
- Yo momma
- David Tennant (you never know, he could be...)
[edit] Good Science Fiction
It has been found that Doctor Who in one of his matchups with the all evil and communist destructo organization known as the American public, they don't like him. In this irking, (Please expand)
