Enemy combatant

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“A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Enemies

An enemy combatant is a "specially detained individual" at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba or another similar American Military "Extraordinary Rendition Hotel by Hilton". Despite claims from Watchdogs and Watchdog Groups that individuals in these so called Extraordinary Rendition Hotels by Hilton are quote tortured unquote, the United States Military has claimed these 'enemy combatants' are really just guests at their fine facilities offering 3 or 7 night stays in a 3, 4 or 5 star atmosphere.

The following information on enemy combatants is not actually about them, but is very very strange nonetheless.

Some anonymous sources familiar with the hotel say that the residents are actually quite friendly despite their grave acts of violence like wearing Casio watches[1]. Still, it's important to provide good service to these notoriously picky tourists because, unlike their suicide bomber counterparts, who require improvised explosive devices to kill people, enemy combatants can commit an "act of warfare" simply by hanging themselves in protest[2]. In general, though, the service is quite good and so fewer than one percent of the guests have gone on the offensive in this way. In fact, many former residents are so proud of their time at Guantanamo that they continue to identify themselves as former tourists there with the term "No Longer Enemy Combatants[3].

Once, when Donald Rumsfeld was taking a tour of Hotel Guantanamo, he was mistaken for a tourist and offered some of the fine services available there. Because he falsely believed that the hotel's residents were tortured by the staff, he turned them down and instead gave Gerald Ford a piggy-back ride. In another mix-up,, Osama bin Laden was mistaken for an enemy combatant. Once he clarified that he was actually an enemy tactician and not a resident of the Hotel, he was denied entry and sent to Iraq. Elian Gonzales is the only year-round enemy combatant, though some members of his family like to vacation there.