Engineer
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“Do you know the difference between military and civil engineers? Civil engineers design targets, military engineers design various contrivances with which to destroy what the civil engineers has built.”
Engineers are small furry creatures with buckteeth and thick glasses and professionally vacant stares.
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[edit] Purpose
"An engineer's sole purpose in life is to take simple processes and make them difficult."
~ Andrew Kelsey
[edit] Physiology
Engineers are known to have underdeveloped hindquarters, although zoologists are still uncertain whether this is a genetic adaptation to their habitat or simply atrophy from lack of use. Engineers have whiffly noses which are highly attuned to the smell of approaching carnivorous deadlines.
Engineers are easily house-trained and make great pets, but don't expect them to play with your children, unless your children are made of wires.
They suffer from hunch backs due to the many hours spent in cubicles (see environment). Despite appearing intelligent, recent discoveries show that engineers merely act intelligent due to their massive inferiority complex (instituted at undergraduate level)
Engineers are a strange specimen who ensures your roof does not fall on your head, they do this by ensuring any structural stability is promptly removed (their favorite way of doing this is by destroying any supporting members in a building, preferably with an axe or dead beaver).
Engineers are an evolved form of the geologist; and thus their entry criteria are always higher. Yet have a lack of common sense and would happly devise a formula to try and prove this.
[edit] Habitat
In the wild, engineers are most commonly found roaming the forgotten bypasses of the Information Superhighway, much like this one. At night, they are often found attempting to sneak into vacant office buildings and test facilities. Much like raccoons, engineers are not desirable late night visitors. They generally tend to fill their nest with shiny objects such as empty beer bottles, CDs, DVDs, and pocket protectors.
No recorded captive breeding of engineers has taken place. For that matter, there is no record of any engineers breeding, ever. At all. However, once captured in the wild, they have been successfully raised in Cubicle Farms on a steady diet of coffee and Thai food.
When taken out of their natural habitat, Engineers become very wild and are prone to acting out. This is seen in gratuitous alcohol consumption and the building of robotic monkeys to do their homework. Unfortunately most engineers don't understand existentialism, so many of the robotic monkeys lack the self awareness and depth of soul to do anything more than throw feces at tourists.
[edit] Engineers in popular culture
The terms "engineers" and "popular" are mutually exclusive, since they tend to bite when handled by any human who tries to handle them (now limited to well-meaning animal breeders and environmental activists). The only way to even fake some trace of crossover is for some media elitist to step in and blatantly make something up. Writers only attempt to portray engineers if the very last shreds of originality have been clawed to teeny confetti bits, but it has been known to happen, as shown by the following cases:
[edit] Star Trek
Star Trek is famous for its unrealistic, but very exciting, portrayal of engineers. In fact, nearly 83% of engineering students claim that they chose to pursue their specialty with the assumption that after passing their PE exam, they'd be assigned to a starship (NCC class or higher) and would spend their remaining days reporting warp core status to smooth, attractive captains or having sex with a diverse array of alien life forms. These engineers are incredibly disappointed to learn that their "captains" are mediocre managers who were promoted so the company wouldn't have to clean up their engineering. Even worse, it's uncommon for a real engineer to have sex with anyone but himself. Engineering colleges break these truths slowly and gently to avoid upsetting their retention rates.
[edit] My Three Sons
The main character of 60s sitcom My Three Sons was an aeronautical engineer. Given the cold-war time setting of the show, it was clear to viewers that he was plotting to develop mind-bogglingly devastating weapons, which is one of the few intriguing things that can be done with engineering. In reality, he spent his life like any other engineer, digging holes under trees to hide from the sun. The series was true to real-life engineering in that there were no women around... the engineer in this case claimed to be a "widower", which is a more sophisticated way of faking a love life than saying that no one could possibly know your Canadian girlfriend.
[edit] Glitter
This 2001 film starred pop singer Mariah Carey as an ambitious young biochemical engineer, struggling to succeed in the cut-throat Ontario agriculture scene. The main character leaves his woodland forest home to see if a human will adopt him and possibly provide a tiny car for him to drive around and take apart, but throughout the course of the movie learns an important lesson about self-introspection in the face of oppressive socialites. The film was a critical success, earning 4.6 Academy Awards, including one for "Best Stripper Pole Dance Scene". Unfortunately theater and DVD sales were dismal; aside from about 240 people scattered around a few small Eastern European nations, no one saw this movie.
[edit] Ritualistic Sacrifice
Engineers are rarely found in the presence of any other animals, and generally fear human contact. When forced to, engineers will group together and exhibit meager signs of friendship, though it is generally believed that this is strictly a survival instinct, and that no engineer actually wants to be friends with anybody other than their abacus.
Many engineers - oftentimes the ones that barely complete their engineering degrees - enjoy a good rousing chorus of song. One especial such chant is as follows
We are, we are
We are the engineers
We can, we can
Demolish forty beers
Drink rum, drink rum
And come along with us
For we don't give a damn
For any damn man
Who won't give a damn for us
[edit] Student Engineers
Student Engineers, or Engineering Students, are the young, developing engineer. They spend many hours on Uncyclopedia, getting drunk and watching Star Trek. These future engineers also spend much of their time unwashed, except when doing the latter of the above. It is also a fact that In their first few years of life, student engineers are amongst the laziest, most apathetic people on the planet, even more so than gypsies!
Freshman students often transform into engineers after wondering into buildings at their college campus at night after heavy drinking. Typically 5 to 6 years later, they will emerge from the same building they were last seen entering. Approximately 30% survive the gestation period, the remaining 70% can usually be found either in business schools or bars, sometimes both. Outside of the engineering building (the nest) student engineers are easily recognized when they leave the building as they travel in herds of other engineers and make jokes that no one outside of the group understands.
[edit] Little Known Facts
- Engineers may be able to hold a pen, but spelling is certainly beyond their abilities. If they have to identify themselves in writing, the result is invariably injuneer.
- The Female to Male ratio among Engineers is approximately 1:e^88 which contributes to their dwindling numbers in the wild. It is a common misconception that there are no female engineers. This is not the case. They simply look so alike as to be utterly indistinguishable. It's the beards.
- All offspring of Engineers mutate to become anything other than Engineers at first sight of their parents.
- Engineers' personalities are the most effective form of birth control in existence.
